Hale no, Hale yes
by tjbaby
Summary: Jasper Hale is Alice Brandon's epitome of a perfect man, until his sister Rosalie comes to town. A hot kiss shared in a drunken moment drives Alice to question all that she knows. Then she witnesses Jasper kiss Edward, the new Doc. What's in Forks' water?
1. The Alice Brandon

Title: Hale no, Hale yes.  
Characters: Jasper, Alice, Bella, Rosalie, Edward, Jacob, Eric, Angela, Emmett, Carlisle, Esme, Charlie, Paul, Seth  
Main Pairings: Alice/Jasper, Alice/Rosalie, Edward/Jasper  
Disclaimer: I own the chocolate I am eating, and my brain, but you don't want either of these.

AN: So here I was trying to write an Edward/Bella fic which then turned into a Jasper/Alice fic, that ended up here... So please be patient with me and try to not be weirded out. Even if I was to start of with...

Thanks to my team of pre-readers when I suffered pre-whatever nerves. **Darkira**, you rock, **vampisthenewblack **and **kuroiBlackNightingale****,** thank you for pushing aside any issues with content and pre-reading and beta'ing for me.

~*~

Summary: English teacher Alice has a plan: to lure Math teacher Jasper Hale to her side, but her plans backfire when he sets her up -- with his sister. Change of plans: ensure Jasper walks down the aisle -- with Edward AH,Femslash,Slash A/R, E/J

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**Chapter 1**

"Honey, these aren't going to dry if you leave them here. No matter how much you try. It's Forks, Alice, where there is more moisture in the air than there is in these poor undergarments of yours."

"I love the snarkastic tone you have when you call me honey, Bella. It makes your patronizing tone that much easier to take," I murmured, continuing my careful application of nail polish to my little toe.

My nonchalance was on purpose; I knew the dismissive tone of my voice would be irksome to Bella; just as I knew my room-mate hated it when I sounded amused by her. So I sniggered for good measure. My room-mate also hated that I was so dismissive of her well-meaning advice, especially when it came to living in Forks, Washington where it was constantly wet, cold and well... wet. Having grown up in Missouri meant at least periods of long, dry summers. Here - nothing of the sort. Just rain to cloudy days to more rain. I have no idea why I let Bella talk me into moving here with her.

Bella grew up here, but moved away to go to college. After living here for a year, I can see why. Did I mention it rains here? We met while attending Brown. Both of us were on scholarships and our friendship was borne out of the same plight: not of the privileged crowd. After meeting while feeling sorry for ourselves because we both had shitty roommates, we became fast friends. We were each other's rally crowd, cheering each other on to finish our respective degrees. We moved on afterward, bolstering each other's career paths; mine armed with my teaching degree and her with her science who-ha-whatsit-thingee... over my head stuff, but we got good jobs and managed to stay in the same city. However, when her father became ill, she decided to move back here. And being the schmuck that I am, I came back to keep her company, and to work at the local High School after some old lady died or retired or something.

Did I mention I moved in with her and her ailing Dad? Yeah, fun. A regular sorority house with an ex-cop under the same roof. Of course, I'm being sarcastic!

Huffing under my breath, I decided to get up to help her. Bella stood there and watched me cumbersomely get to my feet, my toenails freshly painted for the evening's events. Yes, announce it to the world - spinster Alice has a date! My first date. With eligible bachelor number one! Go me! Hallelujah! Tonight, Steve, my date is.... one Mister Jasper Hale. (Obviously I watch far too many game shows on TV.)

Jasper was the Math and Computer Science teacher, doubling as the Career and Guidance Counselor at Forks High School where I work. He also happened to be the only living, breathing man in within the Forks city limits who isn't gray, old, married... or jail-bait. (I will leave that last to your imagination, but I will say, I think there is something in the water here. Fine specimens. Fine specimens.)

Right, back to Jasper: he was a man who was passionate about racing motorcycles and a fan of something called the Moto Grand Prix, always rabbiting on about Melandri, Rossi and Takahashi... (or was it Yogimashi?), but at least he had extolled the achievements of our local Americans Nicky Hayden and Colin Edwards with great enthusiasm. A passionate man, indeed.

Luckily for me -- Jasper Hale also happened to be a tall, blond God... At least from where I stood. Yeah I know - not very high. I'm sure the weather climate was totally different from where I was, but I hoped for a glimpse into that world of his whenever he would lift me up into his arms. (I'm optimistic - sue me.)

Wiggling my toes in an effort to make them dry faster, I smirked a little at my thoughts. Still a little pensive, I blankly watched as Bella tried to simultaneously glare hard at me while moving my barely drying underwear from the front porch nearer to the fire, hanging them over the back of a couple of chairs. She stumbled and got poked in the chest for her trouble. Oops. I held in the snicker this time.

Rubbing her hand across her chest, she muttered, "Thanks for the help, Alice. It's your clothes I'm trying to get dry here you know." I couldn't help it. I laughed. Bella gave me a pointed look, before saying in a dry tone, "Brevity is the soul of wit."

Pointedly, I aimed the tip of my nail file in her direction. "Brevity is the soul of lingerie as Dorothy Parker once said. Don't get that luscious brown hair into a tangled twist, Bella Swan. If it bothers thee so much, hie us hence to the nearest laundromat. That dryer is not about to fix itself." Slowly, I narrowed my eyes at my brunette friend who squirmed, knowing it had been her fault our dryer was out of commission. As I shuffled across the floor toward said hanging underwear, I gave her a piercing glance for good measure, before I grumbled, "Seriously, who the hell let Emmett use it in the first place? You, thy good wench! You failed to mention to that big lug that football boots and shin guards do not belong in the recesses of a dryer lest it break, which it has." Yes, I could hear the proverbial eye-roll from her corner.

"Please do not start the thees and thous with me again. I know that you are the English teacher and I am but a poor pleb who is of lesser intellect than you oh holy Queen of Forks, but honestly, stop it when you're home? Save it for those poor defenseless students at Forks High." She muttered under breath, "Who knows? Someone might actually learn something..."

"I heard that, Bella! You started it with the Hamlet quote. I might have to teach you a thing or two, you know..." I waved the file at her threateningly.

She waved her hands theatrically, and making her eyes wide, she said in a breathless tone, "Oooh, big scary woman. As if you Lilliputian could do anything more than bite my ankles."

Her scoffing snort made me seethe quietly. I stamped my foot in frustration. _Dammit_. Bella knew I hated nothing more than being demeaned using my size. As my dark haired friend walked away, I screamed after her, "I'll have you know that I am taller than most adult pygmies!" The laughter rang back at me and I scowled, not feeling the slightest bit amused. "Well, it's true," I muttered to myself. I mean, everyone knows that pygmies are only what, four feet high and that makes me at least a foot taller. I looked down at my poor, smeared left toenails and scowled some more, knowing it would take another half hour to do them over. Fuck my OCDness. Fuck that - I shouldn't have stamped my foot. "You better be worth this much fucking trouble, Jasper Hale," I grumbled, taking up the nail polish remover. Shit, I'm going to be late for my date.

As I started the painstaking task of re-doing my marred nail polish, I contemplated the monumental event that was to be my first date in... well let's just say a very long time.

After dating a bunch of relative losers, I had decided on certain criteria: tall, blond, blue eyed, earning potential high if not already there and a touch of danger would be good too.

So far, Jasper Hale was not failing on criteria.

_He _was the epitome of man, at least the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

From the very first time I saw him, I knew I wanted him.

He had this amazing charismatic personality. He also had this amazing accent - a little Californian, sprinkled with a touch of mid-west, and more than a touch of Texan. I guess you can grow up in So-Cal, but you will never take out the Southern in boy in you. At least when it got to that deed, I'd never want to take that Southern boy out of me. After tonight the ball would be in his court. I snickered childishly at the slight innuendo. Ball.

Yes, I am five years old in maturity.

Spark, however.... _that _needed to be tested. I paused in my reapplication of nail polish as I thought about it a little further.

My thoughts were definitely headed southward, thinking about how _that _particular spark could be tested, especially with careful consideration of his Southern twang; one that arose with certain words.... words that would be useful at the height of _certain _things. I smirked at the thought of Jasper whispering, "Come for me," with that Texan accent stressing the word 'come'. The thought was definitely making me edgy and I squirmed in my seat, glancing quickly out the corner of my eye to ensure Bella had not come back into the room.

'Breathe, Alice,' I told myself. Closing my eyes, I focused on being centered and calm... centered and calm...centered and calm. My imagination took me to a darkened room a la Top Gun, McGillis and Cruise played by Brandon and Hale.

He leaned in towards me, his hand gently stroking my hair off my face. "Alice?" his voice whispered huskily in my ear.

"Hm mm... Oh Jasper Hale, you've certainly kept me waiting." I leaned in towards him as his lips grazed the shell of my ear.

"Alice?"

Strong arms gathered me into a hard body, lean and muscled, and I could feel him through my thin shirt. "Oh, yes, Jasper!"

"Alice! Alice!"

I opened my eyes with a start. This time I realized that the voice did not belong to the delicious hunk of man meat that was Jasper Hale, but instead belonged to one laughing Bella Swan.

"Alice, really?! Oh, Jasper!" she mocked. Grabbing a pillow, I threw it hard at her. Ignoring her, I checked the clock above the fireplace. Only one hour left to get ready. My heart was already racing.

Bella came and sat on the opposing couch. "Are you sure you want to go out with Jasper?"

I looked quizzically at her. "Of course! What makes you ask that?"

Shrugging, she started to trace the pattern of the armrest. "It's not like you've shown a whole lot of interest in him. I mean, he is the most eligible bachelor and he knows it. I think he's a bit arrogant to be honest. He knows woman would fall at the drop of a hat for him. And you turned him down three times before now. Are you desperate? Dying? Mentally incompetent?"

"Bella, Bella, Bella." I smiled at her indulgently before answering, "Have I not taught you anything? Men _like _the thrill of the chase. I was giving him something _to _chase. I'm not a walking doormat for anybody. You know that. If I had said yes that first time, it would have been a wham, bam, thank you ma'am scenario and I don't hold with that. I'm not that kind of girl."

"So Paul was not your quick fuck then?"

"Paul was different."

"Yeah, right." The sarcasm rolled off her in waves.

This time it was me rolling my eyes. "Go away, cow. I need to get ready and you're distracting me."

She laughed and reached over, hugging me quickly before she stood up. "I need to go do some research anyway. I'm off to La Push to see how the algae are going. Good luck with your date. Somehow I think it's Jasper that might need it."

I threw another cushion at her. Naturally -- it missed. I heard the faint traces of her laughter as she walked out of the house and her call of, "Have fun!"

'Oh, I intend to have fun, all right.' Watch out Jasper Hale, here comes _the _Alice Brandon.

~*~

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Quotes:  
Brevity is the soul of wit ~ Hamlet, Shakespeare  
Brevity is the soul of lingerie ~ Dorothy Parker

So, my first foray into Femslash. Still has an element of Slash. Can't seem to let go of those boys for some reason. Let me know what you think please?


	2. It's the Lesbian in Her

Title: Hale no, Hale yes.  
Characters: Jasper, Alice, Bella, Rosalie, Edward, Jacob, Eric, Angela, Emmett, Carlisle, Esme, Charlie, Paul, Seth  
Main Pairings: Alice/Jasper, Alice/Rosalie, Edward/Jasper  
Disclaimer: I own the chocolate I am eating, and my brain, but you don't want either of these.

Summary: English teacher Alice has a plan: to lure Math teacher Jasper Hale to her side, but her plans backfire when he sets her up -- with his sister. Change of plans: ensure Jasper walks down the aisle -- with Edward AH,Femslash,Slash A/R, E/J

AN: **vampisthenewblack **and **kuroiBlackNightingale****,** thank you for pushing aside any issues with content and pre-reading and beta'ing for me. I love you guys and your little colourful remarks in my draft docs. Readers: this is a femslash/slash

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**Chapter 2**

"Crappity crap crap crap!"

My eyes watered furiously, blurring my vision as I flailed around trying to find the tissues. Dabbing at my eyes, I peered into the mirror. Oh hell, one red eye. I'm going Terminator to my date. I glared at the eyeliner lying innocently on my dresser.

"I see you. Don't think you can come off all innocent on me, eyeballer." Cautiously I poked it with my finger, watching it suspiciously as it rolled over. Holding it up, I examined it carefully. "I'm warning you now, mister, I can break you in half with these teeny tiny little hands so don't you go getting all Mr. Pointy on me. I'm no vampire. Got it?"

Gingerly, I started to re-do my eye makeup; it's not like I can go out with only one eye done. But this time, I was extremely careful about using the evil little pencil.

(You know, sometimes I wonder how easy is it for boys to prepare for dates. I mean, they don't have to to worry about shaving their legs and other bits, worry about what clothes to wear or whether their make up is right.)

Voices wafted up through my open window and I recognised Bella's voice. Curious, I peeked out. A sleek, late model sedan was stopped at the side of the road and Bella was talking to the driver. Huh. Oh, that's the doctor's wife. What was her name again? Ellen? Esmeralda? I searched my memory. I had always prided myself on my unequivocally good memory and once more it did not fail me. Esme! Esme Cullen. Yeah, I get excited over the little things.

"...well, stop in on your way back, Bella. We're happy to provide a warming agent for you - hot chocolate, coffee, tea. I made coffee cake earlier and Carlisle would be glad to see you too. He's feeling short on company since Charlie's away."

"Yeah, Dad should be back this week. Hey, um... isn't Edward due soon? I thought you said he'd be up for a visit?" My ears perked. Edward? Wasn't that the one that Bella has been interested in for years? I listened a little closer.

"Yes, but not for another week. He's coming back with Rose, a friend of his."

"A friend? Oh, so would this Rose be a very good friend?"

I snorted as her oh-so-not-casual question. Poor Bella. I had to laugh silently. She was so painfully transparent. Apparently Esme thought so too, because she laughed as well before replying. "No, he and Tyler are bringing her for a visit. I don't know all that much about her. Just that she went through some messy breakup and needed to get away. Apparently she knows someone up here."

Wow, I thought. The girl knows someone from here? That's got to be a first. Most people here didn't seem to venture far at all. They are usually all so 'Little House on the Prairie-tude'. Home Sweet Home and all that.

For a moment, I wondered where they were coming from. Bella had mentioned that Edward had gone off to Seattle to be a hot-shot doctor or something.

The wind chose to blow in a different direction at that moment and I missed some of their conversation. Annoyed, I huffed and quickly moved into the bathroom to see if I could hear them better from there, but when I managed to hear them again, I think I may have missed some pertinent points. Dammit.

"...going to help Carlisle out at the practice."

"Really?"

I laughed quietly at her disinterested tone. Far-from-disinterested Bella had a thing for the doctor's son. I'd never met him, but I knew how much my friend liked him. That was all she ever talked about through college. Edward this, Edward that. Hmm... Maybe I needed to break out my match making skills again. Edward and Bella Cullen. Up a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G... I quietly snickered at this thought and crept back to my room. I had a date to get ready for after all.

Two hours later I was nervously smoothing down my dress in the parking lot.

(Talk about getting ready in record time. Needless to say I think I may have broken a few speeding laws as I had driven along the Olympic Highway.)

I checked my reflection one final time in the side mirror of my car before I teetered precariously in my new slingback heels toward the restaurant's entrance. Bella Italia - the sole place in the nearby town of Port Angeles that boasted a cuisine other than just plain old American. It loomed before me and I gulped in my anxiety.

'Breathe Alice. He's only a man. Your first date in like...' my mind raced with faint memories of nervous past dates, so ancient they might as well have been in another lifetime- 'like in...like...fuck, well in for-fucking-ever,' I finished silently.

I sighed and crossed my fingers for luck against my skirt. Little by little, one travels far.

Clambering up the narrow stairs, I squared my shoulders and entered the small eatery. The dim interior took some adjusting to, and I blinked ferociously.

"Can I help you?" asked a bored voice.

Startled, I looked up to see a tall, disdainful-looking server. Stupid Amazon woman. I pinned a cute smile on my face. "Um, reservation for Hale?"

She looked down at me, her gaze sliding down my figure; rather disparagingly I thought.

"Yes, your party arrived a while ago. You're late." I flushed at the snide comment.

The white tablecloths were mocking in their 'pristine-ness' as we walked through the dimly lit interior, making me acutely aware of the creases that had formed in my dress in the hour-long car ride here. 'And to top it off, you're late for your date.' Silently, I snickered. 'Great, you're a poet and didn't know it.'

I followed her stiffly held figure, making faces at her ramrod back, but when we neared the table, I stopped in shock.

Not only was my _date _waiting for me, he was also accompanied by three other people! My mouth dropped open in surprise. Hello? A date does not bring other people along!

"Alice! So glad you could make it!" Jasper's voice was warm and welcomed me like the sun.

Forcing my lips to lift in a semblance of a smile, I simpered, "Yes, sorry, but my car was a bit troublesome. I hope I haven't kept you waiting long." Yes, I know. I didn't really mean that sincerely. I mean, it's not like he would have missed my presence. He had company.

"Well you did keep us waiting, but I can see it was worth the wait," came the softly spoken reply from my left. Even in my distraction of staring at Jasper, I thought, 'What a beautiful voice,' before I turned to the speaker.

The speaker of the melodious voice was in short - gorgeous. Really gorgeous. 'Platinum blonde hair piled high atop her head, gleaming brightly in the candlelight' gorgeous. Full red lips, stunning blue eyes, and a flawless complexion completed this Madonna-like vision.

Then my heart sank for Jasper grasped this woman's hand tightly. Holding back my disappointment I smiled at the speaker, looking at her fully before gasping softly, "I-I-I'm Alice."

"We know. Jasper has done nothing but talk about you for the past hour. I'm Rosalie." She extended her perfectly manicured hand and I reached over and grasped it weakly. A shiver of recognition ran over my skin and I let out a light 'oh' of surprise and raised my eyes to meet Rosalie's.

A look of confusion crossed the blonde-haired woman's face before she let my hand go a fraction later than was polite.

"Pleased to meet you," I finally got out. _Idiot_.

"Pleasure is all mine, honey," she murmured, her eyes raking over my figure and I couldn't help but blush in the light of her perusal. Unfortunately, unlike most people, I don't blush becomingly. It's more like a gradual red heat that crawls up my neck and up my face, resulting in this tomato-like red-faced complexion. Not at all the calm aplomb that radiated from the perfection that was opposite me.

"Alice?" Jasper's hand hovered at my elbow, pulling me into the vacant seat next to him. He leaned over to softly intone, "Ignore Rosalie. She's a bitch when she wants to be and a downright flirt at every other time. It's the lesbian in her." He winked at her.

She made a face at him, but smiled warmly. Obviously, this was a running joke between them. I smiled weakly but my thoughts raced. Why was Jasper here with other people? Who _were_ these other people? Who was _she_? And what the fuck was _that_?!

I smiled politely as the others introduced themselves, taking little notice of names as I peered from beneath lowered lashes to the pale, blonde woman seated across from me. The hairs on the back of my arms were still tingling and aware after our light touch.

As dinner progressed, I settled into my seat, calmly drinking my wine and taking in the atmosphere of the table around me.

...

...

All right, I lie. Actually, I sat in my chair on tenterhooks, guzzling immeasurable glasses of wine through both the menu perusing, and the entrees, while stealing glances at the bombshell before me.

There. Happy?

Everything about her enthralled me and that alone disconcerted me. It didn't stop me from staring.

I watched as she gestured with her hands, long fingers tapping the table to punctuate a thought. My eyes followed the movements of her head - nodding when she agreed with someone, shaking disbelievingly when she thought someone was woefully wrong. A shiver went through my small body as I watched her tongue snake out to touch her upper lip while deliberating an answer, and I listened as she eloquently fought for her beliefs.

Spirals of something unknown swirled in my lower region, somewhere around my ovaries and confused, I ducked my head for a moment, garnering a moment or three to pull my thoughts together.

I had 'accidentally' dropped my napkin earlier and found out that by peeking under the table she was wearing black leather pants. Talk about a surprise. She did not look like the type, but it sent this thrill through me, similar to that tingle when I found a guy that had that slightly naughty side to him. I let my eyes rove a little before I noticed what I was doing and sat upright with a jerk. It wasn't until after I came back up that I realized that she had noticed what I was doing and she gave me this look - a sardonic look of amusement. Complete with a raise of one beautifully arched eyebrow.

Yes, I flushed. Now you know why the guzzling. Dutch courage.

I jumped as Jasper touched my arm, brushing it with his as he reached for the salad dressing. He looked at me, a silent question in those eyes and fleetingly I wondered how it was I thought they were beautiful. They paled in comparison to Rosalie's.

_Oh God._

The abrupt scraping of my chair drew all eyes towards me.

"I'm sorry...um, I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve," I stammered as I stood up.

Shit. I just quoted Bilbo's speech. They are going to think I'm the worst type of Hobbit ever.

I gave them a large cheesy smile, and very crisply and succinctly said, "Right! I, uh, have to go. I'm not feeling too great. Thanks for waiting... and sorry for leaving... Jasper, see you Monday. Right. Bye!" Thankfully, I didn't stumble too much over the final words before grabbing my purse and high tailing it out of there.

I barely heard Jasper's confused words, only able to focus on the piercing, knowing gaze of Rosalie as her blue eyes stared hard at me as I literally ran from the table and out the door. I'd like to think I looked calm and collected, but oh who the fuck are we kidding?!

Once outside, I drew great gulps of air, while I willed my heart to quit racing. 'Should have slowed down on the wine, ol' girl,' I admonished myself.

My head was spinning. I don't know how long I stood there, but obviously a little while as....

"I hope you don't expect him to pay for your dinner," came a smooth voice from behind me.

Shit. Dramatic exit fucked. I turned around slowly to meet her eyes; those perfect eyes, framed by sinfully long lashes, and accentuated by her perfectly done mascara. Her long legs encased in black bike leather sauntered towards me and I stood helpless as if a deer in headlights.

My tongue felt thick, awkward, and I couldn't say anything. Now that might not mean anything to you, but in my world - Alice world - hell just froze over. Because Alice always has something to say.

However, right now, with the statuesque blonde standing before me, I felt like some awe-struck munchkin from Munchkinland looking at Glinda the Witch.

I shook my head violently, willing my throat to unfreeze. I cleared my throat - several times. "Look, Rosalie," I managed huskily. "I didn't mean to run out like that as if the one hundred and one Dalmatians were after me. It's just - I'm not exactly comfortable when the situation changes and then the whole 'I thought this was a date... and obviously, Jasper didn't' thing ... And now I feel like I'm the village idiot, or in the world of stupid idiotic blunders, I rate above the Britney Spears shaving head incident and just below Martha Stewart's colossal blunder with that insider trading thing."

She laughed and the sound ran through my body, a shiver of excitement ran down my back, and little frissons of awareness swirled around my stomach region.

Her eyes held mine. "You ramble for a little thing. Are you on any mood-stabilizers?"

"No?" Her words confused me.

"Pity. I'd like some of what you have."

I sighed. I was not in the mood for someone to take the mickey out of me and I felt that she was amused _at _me. "Look - as pleasant at this is, I'm freezing. I left my coat in the car, and it's a super coat, good for keeping warm and cozy when standing out here talking inanely to complete strangers. A little like we are doing now." I motioned between us. "Plus, I look cute in that coat _and _I got it on sale. So unless you have something really important to say to me, I suggest you go inside the nice cozy building over there, and I go to my car and my nice snugly, warm coat, and we let bygones be bygones."

She interjected, "Or we could use body heat-"

"Or we could use body heat..." I repeated then stopped as I absorbed what she said. "Whaa...?"

However, she had already closed the distance between us, her warm palms on my cheeks as she lifted my face to hers. Her lips did not fasten on mine immediately.

Instead, she skilfully slid her glorious tongue along my lower lip and back again; they parted willingly, and it was only then did she slowly dip her tongue into my mouth. All Rosalie and wine; sweet and tart; hot and soft; delving into every recess of my mouth with smooth, gentle ministrations - coaxing and inviting. Her scent rose up to fill my nostrils and I was enveloped in Issey Miyake and warm, sex-goddess personified, and by God, it was heavenly.

My hands scrambled uselessly against her jacket front, my fingers furling and unfurling as they warred with my head whether to touch her or not. Then... she took the decision away from me.

Without breaking our lips' contact, her hands dropped to grasp mine and she moved them to wrap around her waist. Her mouth continued its soft exploration of mine before with a final press of her lips, she gently pulled back to look at me. Our eyes met and held.

Now or never, her eyes said to me.

Signaling my acquiescence by dropping my head back, I heard her soft chuckle before her lips trailed along my jaw, and down the column of my throat. I moaned lightly. It felt so right.

_I feared Alice world was turning upside down, like falling down the rabbit hole._

She gathered me into her arms and pulled me closer.

_But I liked it. _

I felt like I was drowning in the sea that was Rosalie... all azure blue and gold enveloping me as her eyes burned hotly into mine while she plunged her fingers into my hair. Mine tangled within her glorious tresses, freeing them to whip wildly around our faces, golden strands sinuously stroking and floating over flushed skin and barely hidden desire. Her taste mingled with the wine; all swirling and turning inside me, enticing me to dip out my tongue to meet hers, my thoughts singular in their quest: slide, stroke, suck. Taste. Heaven. Now.

Idly, I thought, 'Good tagline.'

It was the sound of a snicker as someone walked by that made me realize where we were... and what we were doing.

I stilled under her exploration.

It was with a great wrench that I dragged my mouth from hers, pulling away from that sinful temptation. She, however, continued to rain gentle kisses along my jaw until she reached my lobe upon which she wrecked havoc on my senses once more with a gentle brush of her lips and a husky indistinct murmuring in my ear.

"Rosalie..." I croaked throatily, alarm and awareness flooding through me - "stop, please."

The suddenness in which she stilled evoked a strange twist in my chest, her mouth still on my skin. It was with agonizing slowness that she lifted her head, and I knew from the minute she wouldn't meet my eyes, that I had done something very wrong.

She let me go with startling abruptness and stepped away from me, arms quickly folding akimbo. The defensiveness of the stance hurt me, surprisingly enough, but I couldn't think why. My head was whirling, both with the effects of the large amount of alcohol I had consumed, and with the suddenness and randomness of the evening's events.

Stumbling wildly, I pulled away, turning to run to my car, but she quickly pulled on my arm.

"Stop," she bade. I tried to pull free, but that girl had a grip on her and I was, well, a stumbling drunk. "You cannot drive in this condition, Alice. I won't let you." A heavy breath exploded from her then she added, "Edward can drive you home," before she walked away, back toward the restaurant.

Emotions overwhelmed me, but all of what I had drunk finally caught up with me and mixed with the turmoil, the garlic pizza bread and the calamari, that had been the only food I had consumed with my toxic amount of wine, well - needless to say, it all came flooding back up. It was while I was retching all over my pretty new shoes and my eyes were glazed over that Edward (apparently he'd been there all through dinner - go figure) walked out and found me. Lovely.

Wordlessly, he patted my back while I heaved and purged both my dinner and the wine, but not the riotous profusion of feelings: confusion, excitement, uncertainty, and for some reason, guilt. Guilt for responding to someone who was not the object of my sexual orientation, yet at the same time, I could not find it in myself to reject the idea of thrusting her from my mind. Ha, ha -- thrusting. I found myself chuckling weakly, lethargy starting to flow over my body as Edward struggled to hold me up. 'Reminder to self: I'm five.'

~*~

* * *

Quotes:  
Little by little, one travels far. ~ JRR Tolkien  
I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve ~ Bilbo Baggins, The Hobbit

The BtVS reference is for you, vampisthenewblack :)

Hope the rest of you liked it.


	3. The Willow Rosenberg of Forks High

Hale No, Hale Yes

Disclaimer: not mine. For longer disclaimer, see Chapter One.

AN: Thanks to my team: vampireisthenewblack and k . blacknightingale You girls rock.

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**Chapter 3**

When I awoke, it was clearly late into the day. The sun streamed through the gap in the curtains, the brightness indicating it was at least close to, if not just past, midday. As I buried my face into my pillow, slowly rising out of my dreamless, alcohol-induced sleep, I could make out sounds around me, but could not make them out distinctly.

I slowly started to shuffle through my mind, piecing together last night's events.

Vague memories surfaced of my stumbling down the path to the front door, of hugging Bella when she opened the door, of the surprise on her face at seeing who accompanied me. Gradual images came to me of the sweet, shy smile on my best friend's face as she acknowledged Edward's presence, and of the blush on her sweet face as she worked out that she was dressed in only her sleepwear: a pair of long pants and an old long sleeved, almost see through sleep top. My shins decided to throb at that moment - to help remind me of my sprawling stumble on the steps of the front door. Thanks. As I gathered my thoughts through the niggling pain, my mind touched on a recollection - of my sudden awareness of Bella's feelings towards the man that brought me home. She liked him. She liked Edward. I giggled at the thought, then groaned as my body and brain objected to the small movement.

Oh right, the morning after effects. Great. Hangover. Ugh. I turned over slowly, trying to recall pertinent facts, like what day it was.

Sunday. Joy.

Only one more day before I have to face Jasper. Jasper Hale - the date that was a non-date, but it certainly was not a non-event... not with -- oh _fuck _me -- Rosalie_. _With the sudden recall of my interactions with a certain female blonde, I abruptly sat up, but as nausea arose and my head complained, I lay back down, albeit gingerly and a lot slower than when I sat up initially.

'Shit. I am so screwed.' My eyes stared unfocused at the ceiling. 'I kissed a girl....'

This time I had enough sense to not sit up, but instead shut my eyes tightly and buried my head further into the pillow, dragging another over my head as I groaned. Loudly. Images raced through my mind and my skin tingled in remembrance as memories of Rosalie flooded my brain. My eyes snapped open. _And I liked it_. 'Fuck you, Katy Perry,' I managed to mentally intone despite the moment of self-revelation.

"Honey?" a gently spoken query as Bella poked her head through my door. Ignoring her, I rolled onto my back and stared blankly at the ceiling. She came into the room and sat carefully on the side of my bed. "Alice? How are you feeling? I have aspirin."

I rolled toward her, my hands curling and uncurling, "Oh, my Saviour. Give... please."

Chuckling quietly, she handed me, "The gift of the Gods, two little pills that will make the world a better place. For you, and for me, and the entire human race." As I swallowed them gratefully with the water she offered, she added, "I have a beef burrito with your name on it out in the kitchen. Do you want it now?"

"Yes, please. You are a goddess," I croaked, nodding. Wonderful woman, my friend Bella. Saint. Angel. Blessed one. I will place her on the mantle and put five dollar bills at her feet.

"We talked about this. I don't fit on the mantle," she said, walking out to retrieve my essential hangover food. I think she can read minds. (What? I'm hungover. Please to be quiet now, kthxbai.)

Bella waited with me as I slowly ate my food. Feeling better with each bite, I slowly sat further up in my bed as my head pounded less. Finally, I could hold my head up and Bella made me get out of bed - apparently I smelled like a brothel. Like she'd know.

Showering made me feel marginally better, but images of the woman last night invaded my thoughts constantly. I looked hard at my reflection in the mirror as I got out of the shower. As I stood there, the reflection grew distant as I looked stoically over my body. I slowly lowered my towel and impassionately assessed myself: small, high breasts, flat stomach, slight hips and proportioned legs; muscles that were toned but not seen. I could see no visible difference in my look - not that I was expecting to, but I felt like there should have been something to show the momentousness of Saturday night's events. My eyes were drawn to the apex of my legs: to be precise, to the small amount of coarse hair situated there. Idly, I wondered if Rosalie would make a comment on the sparseness of it. My hand brushed across it, wondering what her touch there would be like.

A knock against the door broke me out of my musings. I suddenly noticed where my hand was situated. My face flaming, I jerked my hand away and wrapping the towel firmly around me, I left the bathroom for the sanctity of my bedroom. Bella followed me through the door and sat back on my bed as I got dressed.

"Wow, so much better," she observed. "Not a hundred percent, but let's say at least seventy-eight percent Alice."

"Gee, thanks, Bella."

"Well, you looked like death before."

"Really? Have you met him?" I queried as I pulled my t-shirt over my head.

"Yeah, pale, dark hair, chatty... reminds me a lot of you actually, Miss Brandon. So.... enough procrasturbating... you going to tell me why the gorgeous Edward Cullen drove you home?"

Bella couldn't refrain from asking as I joined her on my bed, just as I couldn't refrain from baiting her about it.

"Gorgeous, huh? So you were busy ogling him instead of taking care of your poor comatose best friend?" I teased.

"You were too busy practicing your bedroom eyes to 'Feeling Good', warbling along in your rendition of Catherine Zeta-Jones à la Chicago," she retorted with a snort. "I think you were just fine without my help."

I moaned and pulled my pillow into my lap, burying my suddenly hot face in it. Oh yeah, hazy images appeared of a dining chair I had pulled out and trying out my burlesque dancing. My face flamed at the thought of _anyone_ being privy to that little show.

Great. Edward Cullen. So that was him... Dr. and Mrs. Cullen's son who had been living in Chicago, but the gossip tree had indicated he was moving back to Forks to help his Dad with his practice. Yes, that very same one that Bella and Esme had been talking about. Yippee-do-dah. Just my luck that Edward would happen to be friends with the most eligible Jasper Hale. So not only did I throw away any chance with Jasper, I made out with his friend's girlfriend when said friend was probably the new-doctor-in-town...and said new-doctor-in-town then took me home (after I stuck my tongue down his girlfriend's throat) after I threw up and ... oh shit.

My voice muffled, I replied, "He dropped me home after I met my friend Ralph. Then I passed out, I think. Oh wait, there was a moment about introducing the word 'pornunciation' to the dictionary before I passed out. Um, I think I came to, on the drive home and-I-I sang," I peeked out from behind my pillow for her reaction. I wasn't disappointed.

Bella gasped, her hand flying to her throat. "You didn't! Oh Alice! You vomited on Edward?! Tell me you didn't sing Spice Girls to him cos your attempts to mimic their voices are pretty bad!" A heartbeat length pause passed before her quizzical tone sounded, "'Pornunciation'? Aren't you the grammarz girl?"

I winced at her tone and volume. Yep, hangover was still hanging. Then the bed bounced with her movements. Ugh. I faceplanted my head into my covers and waited for the nausea to die down. "You moved again hooman. Why you move? Pleeze to be getting over hangover? Andz teh nauzea. Don't movez."

"Oops. Sorry, Alice, I'll keep still. Just..." Frustrated and exasperated - with the lack of details I suppose - Bella slapped her hands on the bed, the sound loud in my head as she exclaimed, "Oh God. Explain. I need details! What happened with your date with Jasper? Why was Edward there? Why did _he _bring you home?" Her voice was increasing exponentially with every question she uttered until finally she was shaking me, trying to get her answers.

"Bellaaa.... ugghhh...."

I think I must have turned an awful shade of puce because not only did she stop, but she hauled me to my feet quick smart and threw me into the direction of the bathroom. Swallow. Breathe. Swallow. Okay, burrito stayed in place. Sigh. Turn around. Face friend. Poke out tongue childishly.

"A-_lice_..."

Gingerly, I climbed back into my bed and pulled the covers over me and sniffed, feeling sorry for myself. I felt the bed sink down as Bella clambered on it and her body molded around me to hug me tightly.

"It's okay, Ally. I was just messing with you. Shh...sorry. Just rest."

I felt overwrought and very fragile as I clutched my covers tightly to my chest. _Shit_. I shut my eyes as memories bubbled and rose again, and Rosalie's face floated before me. _Oh God_. Tears pricked at my eyes as my emotions tugged at me. As I lay there, with my best friend and my hangover, I could only think of how Rosalie tasted sweet, and not like a boy; felt sort of soft, like firm jello, and how her skin was silken to the touch. The scent of her hair and the feel of it trailing against my skin, as I licked and sucked upon her full lower lip caught between my lips... Oh God - how am I going to explain to my best friend that I flipped sides?

I sniffed again, "Bella, I think I fucked up last night."

"Oh, sweetie... what happened, Alice?" The gentleness of her tone made it easier for the words to spill from my mouth.

"I kissed a girl..... and I didn't mean to, I swear! It just happened! Besides, she kissed me, not me her! And yes, before you ask, Ikissedherback!" Even I could hear the defensiveness in my tone.

"Honey..."

Instinctively, I cringed under my covers. "Fuck, if you had felt the way she kissed, you would have too. Responded, I mean." I sat up abruptly, defensiveness be damned. "Oh my God, I kissed a girl?! Me! I mean, I am so not into girls. Right?" I looked at Bella for reassurance. "I mean if I was, I probably would have gone for you! I mean, that would be the way, right?"

"Woah, slow down Alice! You kissed a girl? Like Katy Perry Kissed a Girl? When? Before or after your date with Jasper? What happened to Jasper by the way?"

"Yes! Like Katy Perry! Well technically not exactly like that, more like a 'Paris kissed Rory at Spring Break' moment, but I _did _kiss her back. I didn't walk away."

"She kissed you first?" Bella clarified.

"Yes," I admitted softly.

"And?" Bella's voice was extremely calm, unlike mine which rose amazingly high and shrill as I went into panic mode, leaping out of bed and proceeding to pace around my room.

"What do you mean '_and_?' Bella? I'm freaking out. Am I going Anne Heche on your ass? I don't know! I mean, is that why I haven't had a date for this freaking long?! I'm turning into a Calliope Torres! But I didn't get time to even get married in Vegas! Or argue! Or fight, and lose him to some skanky ex-roommate girlfriend of his and then divorce his sorry ass and then fuck, get some hot schemexing with some McSteamy before I got it on with some hot girl surgeon! I got kissed on the fucking sidewalk like some skanky ho!"

"Are you insulted now?" Her amusement added to my growing ire.

"Yes, dammit! I deserve more than the freaking sidewalk! I'm not a girl you can molest on the side of the road!"

"Yeah, you're better in the back seat of a car." Giving her my best withering glare, I stared her down, but Bella just ignored me and lay back, hands clasped behind her head. She smirked at me before asking, "So what are you going to do?"

"You're not surprised? Shocked?"

"Nah. You're hot. I mean, we've always known that. I'm hot, you're hot. We've always asked why haven't lesbians tapped this, and now you know that they would. It's an ego boost, really." She shrugged.

Her words and manner seemed to calm me. Mad woman-induced adrenalin rush slowing down, I fell on the corner of my bed, letting myself sprawl out any which way.

Wordlessly, I stared at the ceiling unsure of how to feel now. "Why did I go for her?" I questioned quietly. "I mean, she's just like Jasper? God, Bella, she is just like Jasper. Maybe I'm just liking her because she reminds me of him? I mean she has like the whole blonde hair, blue eyes thing and all that, but oh my God, she had on black leather pants. Like fuckhot leather pants. Seriously!"

"Like Jim Morrison leather pants, Season Six Dawn leather pants or Isabel Evans opening credits?"

"The latter. Exactly like the latter." I paused as I recalled what she looked like walking towards me. Sinful, beautiful and ... Another picture popped in and superimposed itself upon my memory of Rosalie. Dawn Summers. My face scrunched up in a grimace. "And ew, Bella! Dawnie - Season Six Dawnie? Too innocent and ew...." Shakily, I ran a hand through my almost dry hair. I peered up at Bella, seeking what exactly, I'm not sure of, but I was sure that Bella would help. No dice. She just sat there looking at me, her face expectant. I resumed my stare at the ceiling. "I didn't mean to kiss her, Bella. I was drinking, and I was watching her all through dinner and then I realized I felt the same way towards her like I do with guys I like, and I ran out of there."

"Hmm... denial..."

"Then she came out and she virtually glided to me as if sex-personified. I swear Mae West had nothing on her. Rosalie could have done the whole, 'Why don't you come up and see me?' and I would have willingly gone."

"Good. Acceptance."

"I kissed her right there on the sidewalk, Bella! On the fucking sidewalk! Where anyone could have seen! After I ran out of dinner with Jasper! Shit!" I turned my head sharply to look at Bella, lounging against my headboard. "What if he saw?! Oh my God! I'm so going to be branded the Willow Rosenberg of Forks High. Oh my fucking god! Bella! What the hell am I going to do? He's going to tell the Principal! And I'll lose my job and no-one will hire me because they'll be worried about my influence on their precious little female girlies. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!"

"The gods are just, and of our pleasant vices; Make instruments to plague us."

"Oh do not quote King Lear at me! I made you read that!"

"Settle, petal. I'm sure if he did see, he'd have thought the same as any other guy: 'Woah, that's hot and I wonder if I can get in on the action?' It would have been some turn on for him. I mean, I'm a girl and I'm imagining it, and it's totally turning _me _on." Bella paused and I could almost feel the wheels churning in her head. But her next question wasn't what I was expecting...

"So... what was it like?"

'Heavenly,' I wanted to say. 'Unbelievable' or even 'fan-fucking-phenomenal'. I stared at Bella for a split second, wondering if I should tell her. Then I shrugged. Well, I guess if you can't share the details with your best friend, who can you share it with?

After spilling the proverbial beans to Bella (in great detail, cos that's what you do. Oh, and sharing a tub of ice-cream with her) I spent a good part of the remainder of Sunday moping around while she went to work. Yes, she worked on weekends. Microbiologist or something. She checks algae for a living. Why? Because she gets off on that shit? I don't know. It was always over my head. Who the hell would want to go exploring tiny micro-organisms in the dead of night anyway? She's totally the Liz Parker of my insane little corner of the world. (And I kid you not, I can picture her writing in a journal, _"Dear Journal, I'm Bella Swan and I died today..."_)

Anyway, back to me....

Yes, I was moping. Sure, I was nursing my head, but I was also nursing my heart. Oh, come on, don't tell me you wouldn't wonder about where your heart truly lay if you reacted so wholeheartedly to one phenomenal kiss?

Well, that's the issue really, isn't it? Sure, it was one truly absolutely fantastical kiss, but it doesn't mean that I've gone all Portia Rossi in one night and that I'm going to fancy chicks for the rest of my life, right? She was good-looking: tall, leggy blonde and all that, but it's not like I've turned a one-eighty and become a total worshiper of the va-jay-jay. Maybe a slight inclination in that direction...

I pursed my lips as I stared out my window, watching the kids next door playing ball. Idly, I wondered what their mother would say if they ever came home and said, "Hey Mom, guess what? I favor Southside of the Dixieline." I'm sure my mom - God rest her soul - would have dragged me into the bathroom and watched my mouth out with soap and then proceeded to feed me with vinegar to help cleanse my insides.

Oh my God, I've never even experimented south of the border in my college days! How the hell would I even know what to do when we got there?

Woah, did I just think about what _we'd_ do? We? I think I need to get out of here.

Grabbing my jacket, I ran down the stairs and outside, breathing in lungfuls of dank Forks air as I hurriedly walked down the road, attempting to run from my thoughts. (Trouble is -- they are my thoughts and well, you can't run away from what is essentially yourself. But I swear I gave it a damn good try as I walked all the way into town.)

The center of town was its usual bustling self, if you can call it that, as people wandered through the few stores that were open. I stopped in at the Lodge and got myself a coffee and pie. Pie almost _always _fixes everything. Almost.

"Hey, Alice." The cheery smile of the owner greeted me.

"Hey, I'll grab a coffee and pie if that's ok?"

"Grab yourself a seat honey, I'll bring it out soon."

"Well, if it isn't little Miss Brandon," boomed a loud voice.

I looked up quickly in time to see a large familiar figure plant himself on the opposite chair. Oh great, just what I needed. A shot of testosterone to weigh in on my already confused self. "Hey Emmett," I greeted him. I'm guessing that my face must have shown my feelings because he peered at me until I squirmed.

"Why so down, Ally-cat?"

I rolled my eyes. Emmett liked giving people these ridiculous pet-names. God, only knows why. "What's with the Alien-under-the-microscope look, Emmett. Personal space, dude." He said nothing and I breathed out with a slight huff, "Well it's Sunday, Emmett, and I still have a hangover."

"It's the afternoon Alice. Surely you should have gotten over that by now. There's something else isn't there? Tell Uncle Emmett all about it." His cajoling tone made me laugh.

"Does that usually work?" A smile colored my tone, I'm sure of it.

"What?"

"Um - hello? Uncle Emmett?" I questioned him, amusement lacing my voice.

He squirmed before answering, "Well no, but sometimes people will tell me things. Look, you can tell me to butt out if you like. I guess it's important to some folk to mind their own business."

Pausing, I gave it some thought. Emmett was pretty okay in my book. Why not? I needed another viewpoint. My order came and I decided that I should talk to him. I mean, it should be okay, right? Shaking my head at the silliness in my brain, I told him, "No, no, it's fine," sipping my coffee. I stopped for a moment, wanting to work out how to say what I wanted to say. How do you say 'I'm worried I'm a latent lesbian'? Cautious, I watched his face, "I think I'm just feeling a bit introspective today. I had a date last night and well, it didn't go exactly the way I planned."

His tree trunk-like elbows lent against the small table and I fixated on his large hands in my nervousness. His kind face smiled at me, "Oh yes, I heard. Small town and all. You had a date with the Hales. Jasper said you were having a group date cos his sister doesn't like blind dates."

"Yes..." I started to reply, then my brain caught up, "The Hales?" My eyes widened a smidgen in horror. _They were brother and sister! Holy shit! And the townsfolk term them together? Like a species? _

My thoughts raced along with my heart as I tried to think over last night -- whether I had been introduced to her as his sister or he, her brother or what? It just whirled dizzingly in my head. Then a thought came to me. I gasped. Mortified and outraged, I accused, "You knew?! And you couldn't let me in on this before you broke my dryer? Emmett! You were at my house for about three hours. You could have said something!"

"Like what? So, you looking forward to your group date with the hot lesbian?"

Shaking my head with indignation I almost screamed my answer, "Yes!" Concious of a couple of heads turning to look at us, I lowered my voice before hissing, "You could have said something about it. Did Jasper tell you about it?"

"Gosh Alice, I think the whole town knew. Jazz wasn't exactly quiet about it. Something about Rosalie's been alone for so many months, not wanting to date after her last breakup which was really messy and became all SWF...

"SWF?"

"Single, white, female," he helpfully supplied.

"I know that, Emmett. I made you watch the damn film, remember? What do you mean by that?"

"Oh, her last girlfriend got all stalker on her ass. Watching her, following her and doing real strange shit like coloring her hair or something. It was so fucking weird. I think they took out some court order shit on her. Jasper is just looking out for Rosalie, like he does. He really liked you, and I know it bummed him out when you kept turning him down, but he figured when you jumped at the last time... "

"I wanted a date with him!"

"For real? We all thought you and Rose would make a real nice couple you know."

"But I'm not... I'm not gay. I mean, I'm not," I smiled brightly, but inside I was freaking out. Yes, I was totally freaking out. "Hang on. Rose? As in the Rose that Edward was bringing home with him?"

Oh yeah, it was all making so much sense now. Fuck me. Rose needing to get away, her knowing someone here, catching a ride in with Edward on his way home. If only I listened to the town gossip. In the words of Robert Browning, 'Ignorance is not innocence but sin.' I sat back in my seat, listening to Emmett drone on, thinking all the while how much I felt like a stupid imbecile. Who wouldn't have seen this, or at least heard about it? I guess I had become a little hermit-ish since moving here and I didn't want to know all the comings and goings of the small town, but you'd think I would have heard _some_ of the gossip, especially pertaining to me.

Dammit. I'm an idiot.

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Quotes:

ch3  
Make the world a better place. For you, and for me, and the entire human race. ~Michael Jackson  
The gods are just, and of our pleasant vices; Make instruments to plague us. ~King Lear, Shakespeare


	4. Never Watch Cable Late into the Night

Hale No, Hale Yes

Disclaimer: Twilight not mine. For longer disclaimer, see Chapter One.

AN: Thanks to my team: vampireisthenewblack and kblacknightingale. You girls are awesome and ILYSFM. And readers: thank you for all my lovely reviews. They make it feel this is all so worthwhile!

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**Chapter 4**

By the time I got home after that almost surreal conversation with Emmett, my mind was utterly confused, and my thoughts were completely scrambled - a little like a good B & B breakfast, with a side helping of bacon. I didn't know what I wanted, who I wanted nor why I wanted it. And my mind was full of fantasy images of 'ideal Jasper', intermingled with very real images of Rosalie, memories of all my old relationships (good and bad, which were a nightmare all on their own), my revised idealisms of what I wanted, didn't want and most unequivocally shouldn't want - all of which kept preying on my mind. Like the passengers on Wonka's chocolate boat, I felt like too many things were happening at once. 'Round and round we go, where we stop nobody knows.' The words circled endlessly in my head; a theme song for the myriad of muddled thoughts. I almost screamed with the frustration. Worse still, I was alone in the house: Charlie, Bella's Dad, was away, Bella was still at the damn beach and I had a house to myself with my pathetic thoughts to keep me company. Yay, how wonderful. Yes, insert sarcasm here.

Annoyed and frustrated, I threw myself on the couch and tried to immerse myself in something mundane on television. There was something about a vampire and a girl, but the sparkly put me off as well as the brooding intensity of the vampire was a little too close to my current state. I changed the channel to find one about a vampire slayer. That one was a re-run, and I had already seen the series over and over again. Still, the blond vampire reminded me of Jasper, but he had this sexy as English accent. Click. New channel - hybrid aliens from the Roswell crash and their love affair with human beings - nope, change to... ooooh the four friends in New York. I sat back to HBO's Carrie Bradshaw, envying her for those great shoes, but it did not last long before the endless wonderings of the fictional editor led me to wonder about my own woeful love life, spiraling down to those earlier thoughts. Quickly, I changed the channel once again. In the end, after flicking through endless cable channels, and swapping DVD after DVD, I decided to sleep on it and let Sunday night pass. It did... slowly, with much introspection in my dreams. (In reflection, sleep was probably a bad idea, but everything is 20/20 in hindsight.)

Through the night and early morning, I tossed and turned as indistinct hazy images coalesced to a 'dream me' walking down a hallway. I watched my dream self walk to a large mirror, watching as my reflection changed slowly. My hair growing lighter from its dark shade of midnight to become pale blonde, lengthening until it was all the way down my back. My dream self smiled satisfactorily at her reflection. Horrified, _I_ realized my dream self was Rosalie's single, white female stalker and I screamed as my dream self turned towards me, a malicious self-satisfied look on her face. Again, I screamed.

Then my stalker dream self opened a Year Book, placed her fingertips on the photo of Rosalie and fell back onto her bed, asleep. Everything went hazy, and suddenly we were in a diner. Oh God, I recognized it: The Crashdown. We were at the Crashdown. Rosalie and I were dancing. My dream self was watching them, sitting upon the counter. She smiled coldly at me.

Unnerved, I turned to run away, but was splashed by water as a bus - with my photographed face plastered on the side of it - ran through a puddle. Shocked at the cold water seeping into my clothes, I looked down and I'm dressed in a ... tutu? What the hell? Then I was surrounded by Angela, Bella, and Emmett, while Bella was extolling the virtues of something called 'The Rabbit'.

The scene changed abruptly and Rosalie was there, her perfect hands extended towards me saying, "Come with me, Alice." But Bella was at the edge of a dark forest yelling, "It's too dangerous, Alice! Come back!"

Then I was dressed in red leather pants, black top (so cute, I might add) and holding a sharp, wooden stake saying to someone, "What are you doing here? Five words or less."

Then it was Jasper (at least I think it was Jasper), standing before me exclaiming loftily as he counted upon his fingers each word he spoke, "Out. For. A. Walk..... Bitch."

His arms reached down, scooping me up, and began running, taking me away and I yearned for Rosalie, reaching out in earnest to try to touch her hand. My fingers reached out and it seemed they were only inches apart from hers so I tried harder to grasp hers. I could her myself sobbing as I tried to get to her. My fingers were so close... almost there... reaching... only a little further...and I felt myself falling out of Jasper's arms and ...

Landed face down on my bedroom floor, startling myself awake. Ugh. I crawled back into bed and tried to get back to sleep. But my eyes refused to cooperate, staring blankly at the ceiling.

_Fuck!_

Never watch cable late into the night. CW, Fox, HBO and random DVDs are not a good combination with errant thoughts and erratic sleep. Makes you _not _want to go to sleep, for fear of what comes out in your dreams. What's that saying? Oh yeah. 'You know you're in love when you don't wanna go to sleep at night because your life is better than a dream'? Yeah, well, I'm not in love – really. For some reason, it really wasn't convincing, even to me.

When Monday morning arrived, I had completely one-eightied and was back to being nervous at the thought of seeing Jasper in the hallways of Forks High. Not to mention hugely sleep-deprived, cranky and without a car. (I was hoping to get my car this afternoon, if Bella could drive me to Port Angeles. Fingers crossed.)

The trip to school seemed even shorter than usual as Bella drove in the entrance. My nerves kicked in when I noticed Jasper's car in the parking lot. 'Breathe,' I told myself. Our car came to a stop as Bella eased in by the entrance nearest the teacher's lounge. Gulping in large lungfuls of air, I tried to rein in my nerves, telling myself I hadn't done anything wrong. Bella was silent, but I knew she was giving me a moment to get myself together.

"I can't do this," I whispered. Her hand squeezed my arm reassuringly. Yes, I know. I was being a little pathetic. It's just I felt like there might be a billboard somewhere I hadn't yet seen that proclaimed that I had snogged a woman. Or perhaps someone had seen me and the gossip mill was rife with a skewed story of how Alice Brandon had been lip-locked with a tall blonde in the street like some common woman of the night. Okay, maybe I had blown Saturday night up in my head to be far larger than what had happened, but it's not everyday you snog a member of your own sex. After all, as far as I was concerned, it had been a date and that group of people was hardly what constituted a date. Especially when you bring two guys and a girl! (and I guess the restaurant could count as a pizza place). Nothing about it reeked romantic, intimate dinner for two. It was more a party. One at which I did something stupid that equated to dancing on the table naked.

"Alice Brandon, you march that little ass of yours into that school right this minute! You are a strong, independent woman. You can do this. No-one will be talking about you."

"How do you know?" I'm sure my eyes were wide and my face was undoubtedly pale, despite the blusher I'd applied this morning.

"I don't, but if they are, you hold your head high. Think of it this way, not all women are created equal and you, little Miss, are much sought after by both men and women. How many other women can boast that?"

"Tammy Lynn Michaels. Before and after she came out of the closet."

Bella gave me that look. You know the one that says, 'You're being silly, dear. All children are nervous on their first day at kindergarten. Now scoot,' - _ALL _mothers have them and in this moment, Bella had that look down pat.

"Yeah, I guess you're right." Still, I made no move to leave the safety of the car.

After a moment, Bella said, "Ally?"

"Yeah?" The reluctance in my voice was obvious.

"You need to get inside."

"Yep."

"Now."

"I know."

"Now, Alice."

"I'm moving."

"Right. So that's why you're sitting here looking like someone is about to get you." A pause, before, with a note of steel in her usually nice voice, Bella ground out, "Get out of the car, or I will come around to that side and carry you out of it. I will do it. You know I will."

I sighed, a long mournful sigh, feeling resentful toward my friend for kicking me out of her nice, safe haven of a vehicle. With a final heave of resignation, I gathered my things. "You're a hard woman, Bella."

"Yes, but you love me anyway."

Raising my brows quizzically at her, I retorted, "I'll come back to you on that at the end of today."

As I got out, she touched my arm, making me turn back enquiringly. She smiled as she quietly reiterated, "Alice, it will be fine. Don't freak out. I'll be back about four p.m. to pick you up and take you into Port Angeles to pick up your car. It'll be okay. Call me if you need to. My cell is on."

I smiled wanly in reply, muttered something snidely about how Bella's never in cell range when she's at La Push anyway so I could be murdered for all she knew, grabbed my things and walked away. (Yes, I know. I was being a touch melodramatic, and just plain old bitchy.) Disgruntled at how my day was starting, I headed towards the staff lounge.

One step at a time.

To my astonishment, the day proceeded as every other Monday morning. Various teachers and staff came in, complained about how weekends were never long enough, compared which students would be on detention before the end of the day, and asked how long before Friday came back around. Then I heard my name called out and a chill ran down my spine. I turned sharply, my heart thumping wildly. Oh phew! Not Jasper. Relieved, I smiled at the school administrator, Angela Cheney. The first person I got to know after moving to this little town. My closest friend, next to Bella.

"Alice!" she called again, waving this time.

"Oh hey, Ange. What a weekend, right? It was um, eventful, well not really actually. Really boring. Nothing happened. Yours?" I smiled weakly, cursing myself for that little verbal vomit. Angela hadn't even asked about my weekend yet and I rushed right out all defensive-like.

She gave me a quizzical glance as she poured her coffee. "Well, I was about to _ask _about your weekend, but you just preempted me. Didn't you have that date with Jasper?"

Shrugging, my eyes pleading to let the subject go, I replied as casually as I could, "Let's just go with it could be somewhat subjective, depending on who you talked to."

Her eyes took on that pitying look, reaching over to rub my shoulder in a consoling manner. "Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry. I know how much you were looking forward to that date. I tell you what, I'll lend you my Ben."

Laughing softly, I patted her hand. "Oh honey, thanks but no-one else wants your Ben."

She smiled ruefully. "Oh yeah, right. Not everyone likes geeky nerds. And besides, he kind of comes with baggage, what with the kids and everything."

We both laughed at her joke. Angela and her Ben. She would never give him up. Not for anyone. They were this happily-ever-after couple, all cute and sappy. Apparently, according to Ange, it wasn't like that behind closed doors and they argued like real people. Yeah, right. Apparently, it had taken them ages to work up the courage to talk to each other and sometimes, eight years later, they still didn't communicate very well to each other about their wants. I don't care. I see them and to me, they are so sweet and obviously care about one another, and it makes me want it all – you know, that whole I-want-to-love-and-be-loved-in-return. With their three kids, Angela and Ben Cheney were 'The Waltons' revisited – minus a few kids and the gabled roof.

I tuned back into Angela as she talked about their weekend and how one child insisted on climbing the furniture, saying he was allowed because he was a 'Jedi Knight in-training'. Indulgently, I smiled, wishing for the placidity and unflappability that Angela seemed to possess despite her somewhat hectic family life. Then she caught me off guard as I was busy reflecting on what it would be like to be a mom with kids.

"So, no news to share?" she asked unexpectedly. She stared at me over the lip of her coffee cup and I might have flushed a little guiltily. Damn. Need to work on that.

"No, nothing. All fine. Good, in fact."

"Uh-huh."

We talked for a bit longer and my eyes kept dashing to the door every time someone walked through, but luckily for me, Jasper had not made an appearance before I headed to my first class of the day. Rushing through the corridors, I managed to avoid any sight of him and got to my classroom only a bit flushed and a little out of breath. Perfectly normal way to start a week.

By the time lunch arrived, I was not only famished, but reassured that there was no billboard, ad, nor rumor out there about me. Relieved, I made my way back toward the teacher's lounge, but lo and behold, who do I bump into – Jasper. My appetite suddenly disappeared.

"Alice Brandon. Hey! How was the rest of your weekend?" His face was so genuine, so calm and not a hint of anything... odd.

"Oh, hey, Jasper." I was cool. I can do calm. I'm not flustered. Nope, nope, not me. Yeah, my heart was racing in my chest.

"Oh, thanks for coming out with us on Saturday. Rosalie hates hanging out with just us guys. I think she really appreciated having another girl there. She really liked you. Wouldn't stop talking about you. We should do it again sometime?"

Oh shit!

"Right. Yeah, it was fun," I squeaked. Again? What, another date that was a non-date? Okay, now we were about to go into weird territory. I was so sure of it. I didn't really want to go into all that so I quickly searched my mind for an excuse. "Oh look, it's young Mr Black. Yeah, gotta go. He wanted an extension and I promised him I'd get back to him. Um, yeah so see you later..."

And I ran.

Not literally, obviously. Duh. Don't want Jasper to think I am running from him. Okay I was, but I wasn't going to let him know that. A girl has to has some secrets right?

Hurriedly I walked as fast as my little legs would carry me before I dodged down a corridor, peering back to see if he had walked away. He hadn't. Damn. He was still standing there, looking as damn cute as ever, rubbing the back of his neck. Finally, after what seemed like an interminable time, he walked away. Phew.

'Way to go, Alice.' Mentally I kicked myself as I leaned back against the wall - only because Bella wasn't there to do it for me. I skulked around the hallways and corridors for the rest of the day and after school finished, trying to avoid Jasper. I know - big wimp, but look, it's weird all right?

Loitering around my classroom, I saw Bella's car as she drove into the parking lot and I ran to meet her, but a flash of something caught my eye and I turned. Blonde, pert bottom, cute skirt, awesome boots... I know that walk. As my eyes trailed upward, I realized I knew that body encased in its soft sweater and raising my eyes higher, I met the familiar piercing blue that had rocked my Saturday night.

_Rosalie..._

Yeah, I ran.

~*~

* * *

Quotes:  
'Round and round we go, where we stop nobody knows.' ~Willy Wonka, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory  
"What are you doing here? Five words or less." ~Buffy, Buffy the Vampire Slayer - TV  
"Out. For. A. Walk..... Bitch." ~ Spike, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, TV  
'You know you're in love when you don't wanna go to sleep at night because your life is better than a dream' ~ anon


	5. Driving Miss Brandon

Hale No, Hale Yes

Disclaimer: Twilight not mine. For longer disclaimer, see Chapter One.

AN: Thanks to kbnightingale You, girl, are awesome and ILYSFM for staying up late to read it over and over and all your lovely green comments in my draft docs. vampireisthenewblack - Thanks for all your continuity and pre-reading and most of all thank you for that awesome pimp in SSE (if you haven't read her 'Say Something Else' - go! Do! It's beautiful, but bring Kleenex. You'll need it.) Finally, readers: thank you for all my wonderful and make-TJ-happy reviews. I love them!

* * *

**Chapter 5**

For a long while, the radio was the only sound as Bella and I drove along the 101 to Port Angeles.

We had a silent agreement to not talk after my somewhat hasty, "Drive, Bella! Drive!" as I dove into her car after sighting Rosalie within the school parking lot. One look at my panic-stricken face and Bella had immediately gunned it out of the there, complete with tires squealing and my door still open.

Leaving the school grounds like we were the lead roles in Public Enemies and had just committed a bank heist was probably not the best impression to leave on any of the remaining students, and most definitely not the best impression to leave on one Rosalie Hale. Glancing back, I had seen Jasper join his sister and then, there were two blond people staring after our vehicle. Great. I'm sure that will bode well for tomorrow. Oh well, tomorrow's another day. With my door finally shut, I had instantly clammed up, slouching down in my seat and refusing to talk to Bella, aside from my cryptically thrown out, "Dukey, if this thing blows up, the Feds will be the least of our problems."

Furiously, she tried to question me, phrases fired at rapid speed while her foot was hard on the gas, but I still refused to say anything.

Hello? Rapid-fire Spanish inquisition is _my _forte. I have a degree in it! (Well okay, no, but I should, I'm that good at it.) Eventually, with a frown on her face, she had turned away from me and concentrated on getting the hell out of Dodge, or rather in this case, out of Forks. (Just for the record - for the daughter of the retired Police Chief, speeding was probably not something that Bella Swan should have been doing, but that was what she had been doing as she hit the 101 and I could tell that her foot was still pedal to the metal, obviously displeased at my silence.)

She hadn't asked any further questions, so I didn't have to tell any lies. Thank God for that small mercy. I don't know what would have come out of my mouth inadvertently had she asked just the right question i.e. "Was that Rosalie?" (Oh yes - that would have started a verbal explosion the size of the Mt. St. Helen's eruption and we all know how the people of Pompeii fared in that. It wouldn't have been pretty.)

My mind was still reliving the moment of meeting Rosalie's shocked gaze. She looked so surprised, happy and then dismayed. For some reason, the clarity of that moment was outstandingly clear in my mind. Her body language had indicated she was glad to see me, then it became defensiveness, but still somewhat open. Her eyes looked inviting and her face, shocked but also hesitantly welcoming.

My eyes aimlessly stared at the landscape passing by, but my ears seemed to be so in-tune with the censorship within the car, picking up every creak of the seat, the jingle of the keys as we drove over a small bump in the road and the sound of our breathing: mine, fast and shallow; Bella's, deep and low. I put my head in my hand and leaned on the window, not really seeing anything outside, so not ready to deal with Rosalie. Or my feelings. Or my feelings about Rosalie. To quote Buffy, "I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking. I'm not finished becoming who ever the hell it is I'm gonna turn out to be." Alice Brandon is not yet ready for someone to eat her.... yeah, that came off badly. I put it about as well as Buffy did. Let's rephrase that: until I'm ready, Alice Brandon _is _cookie dough.

Sighing deeply, I shifted in my seat.

I chanced a glance at Bella. Having come from the beach once again, Bella's brown hair was pulled back and swung like a horse's tail as she drove. Mine just fluttered uselessly around my face as the wind whipped it around me. I took in her profile: the small nose, the 'angular-ness' of her bone structure, the pointed chin. The obstinate tilt of her head indicated her level of annoyance with me.

I sighed and resumed my quiet contemplation of anything and everything out of the car.

(Riddle me this: surely, if I liked girls, I'd find her attractive? My roommate, best friend, and one of the most incredibly intelligent and passionate women I knew?)

Finally, not being able to stand the quiet within the car's interior, I turned on the stereo and automatically both our heads nodded and bobbed as the bluesy rock of Shannon Curfman floated around us. Yep. We were doing a good impression of 'nothing is wrong'.

It seemed all too soon Hungry Bear Cafe loomed, then went as we drove past and I noted a few cars parked outside of it. Booming trade today. Our unspoken agreed 'halfway point' to Port Angeles. We usually stopped in there for coffee, but not today it would seem. I chanced a glance at Bella's profile, noting the hardened expression on her face. She was really mad with me. I guess I don't blame her. Not really. I slouched down further in my seat, feeling the unspoken chastisement. Eventually, Bella broke the unspoken 'no talking' zone.

Her tone was level as she asked, "So, just clarifying - that was Rosalie?"

"Yes," I replied, my hands fisting in my lap in my misery.

"A.K.A. Rose?"

"Yep."

"Really?"

"Yes!"

"Luckily you aren't getting paid by the word." Bella kept driving, her eyes on the road, but the furrow between her brows indicated that she was deep in thought. "And you ran away?" she asked, wanting further clarification I guess.

Feeling flippant, I replied, "Not so much ran away as parted company abruptly."

My casual manner seemed to trigger another bout of anger from my roommate as she accused, "You ran away. More like avoidance." Her tone was clipped and very business like. The 'I am not amused' tone. Ouch. Unamused Bella was direct, shooting to kill and I knew that she would be fishing for - cancel that, _demanding - _a full debriefing in order to get clarification on the situation. (Maybe not so much clarification as wanting me to own up to my misdeeds. Na-uh. Not going to happen, Missy. I know that game.) Then when she gets all the info, she takes aim and shoots, usually ending with you wounded on the ground, feeling like a de-feathered bird.

I waved my hand airily when I felt anything but airy, "Avoidance, parting company, same thing."

"And I bet you evaded Jasper all day today?" How astute she was today. Quite remarkable. (Yes, of course that's sarcasm. Haven't you worked me out yet?)

"Am I naked? Cos in my nightmares I'm usually naked." I quickly patted myself down. Bella had a way of making you feel like you were in the throes of a nightmare, one where you were walking down the street in the Emperor's new clothes.

"Alice..." she warned.

"Okay, actually, I did talk to him today," I admitted feebly. Inwardly, I groaned. I had just shown a sign of weakness. She'll really go in for the kill now.

"What's this? Will the Baron have the last laugh? Are our heroes doomed? Can they get to the bottom of this mystery before they reach the bottom? If not, will this show end early?" Oh Bella was really in her stride now. Snarkastic. I winced as she continued, "Or what... a little, 'Howdy cowboy, how's it going? Enjoy dinner and the entertainment the other night? I was a big hit with your friends, I bet.' I'm sure that was it, wasn't it, Alice? Or was it more the squeaky 'Hey Jasper, how's it hanging? Man, I gotta run. Catch you on the flip side.' Am I right, Miss Ally-Cat?"

Yes, I squirmed a little in my seat. Her royal astuteness was probably going to guess it wasn't the most brilliant of conversations with Jasper. Yeah-huh. Turning to her, I put on my best squeaky Brit voice and airly tossed out, "Well actually, spit spot - I had a convivial conversation with the splendid chap today. It went rather swimmingly. We're going to have high tea soon."

(Oh, did I not mention I go all Brit when I'm cornered?)

"Well, from that awful attempt of a British accent, I'd say you had a crap conversation, ran like the Devil from Prada was after you and then skulked around the halls until I turned up."

I gave up. Slinking down in my seat, I muttered, "Yep. That was about it." (Stupid intelligent science nerds. Far too clever for their own good.)

The radio blared, filling in the silence in the car. As we made our way to Port Angeles, I could tell it bugged Bella that I had run not only from Rosalie, but from her brother. Maybe I was bothered by it too. After all, I was the one always saying you had to stand up for what you believed in, even if it was only five feet of female wobbly bits. It all counted. And what did I do? I ran like a mouse. I'm supposed to be strong, like the Lilliputians taking down Gulliver, dammit!

Many miles down the road, Bella remarked casually, "You know what? That's pretty coincidental. Her turning up like that when you were avoiding him. Like the fates conspired against you."

She was trying to breach the rift that was like a gaping maw between us. Snorting, my voice was only moderately snippy when I said, "Ha ha, yeah, I am so laughing at the Fates." Yeah, I was pretty unhappy with them - stupid Fates conspiring against lil' ol' me. What the hell had I ever done to them? Mind you, they are all women. I guess it could have been anything I've done. So my voice was very snarky when I virtually yelled, "Witches! All of them witches!"

Bella cracked a small smile, "Oh, 'Rosemary', I don't think Clotho, Lachesis or Atropos would dare laugh. Besides, it's more Aphrodite's brand of humor, I think."

"What? Twisted and warped?"

"I would have gone with evil and karmic." The rest of the ride to Port Angeles was filled with off color jokes and laughter. I felt the pain of my recent mistakes ease somewhat with every mile while we sang along to caulwater blues, jazzy blues and cowboy-you-hurt-me-now-I scratched-your-car blues.

I think Bella's mood had lifted too as she slowed down and was now driving below the speed limit (as a policeman's daughter would). Several cars did pass us so we had definitely slowed down considerably and one of them even honked officiously at us - obviously, not one from around here from the signs of the Massachusetts plates. Massholes. Think they own the road.

By the time we passed Lake Sutherland, I was feeling on top of the world - with the help of the gorgeous voice of Josh Homme. I think the whole of Port Angeles knew that too, for when we were finally gliding up to where I had parked my car, we were both singing at the top of our lungs.

Turning off the car (and the Dandy Warhols), Bella turned to look at me. Silence filled the car as she stared at me. Fidgeting, I sat there, waiting for her to say something, anything. Finally, after what seemed to be an interminable length of time, Bella asked, "So - what are you going to do about Rosalie? It looks like she's arrived in town to stay awhile. You can't escape unless you enter Witness Protection or something. She's like the Devil, here to stay."

"I know, right?" I banged my head against the headrest of my seat in frustration. Whimsically, I quipped, "Hey, at least I won't have to worry about her having her way with me while I'm out to it, and then I get all knocked up." I gave a weak laugh. "If I did get knocked up like that we could call it, '_Rosalie_'s Baby'!" A snort of amusement made me turn my head. Bella was smirking at me. "What?"

"You talk as if you're with her already. It's just funny."

Her knowing glance unnerved me somewhat. It was like she could see into me and knew that my carefully maintained Rhett Butler impression wasn't so contained at all. Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. Okay, I do actually, but the whole world doesn't need to bear witness to it. I needed to change the subject. "Hey, you like Edward, right?" I asked abruptly.

Blinking at the rapid change of conversation, she gave me a suspicious look, "What's that got to do with the price of fish?"

"I just overheard you talking with Esme the other day."

I noticed that Bella blushed furiously. Interesting.

"So?"

"Well, I was thinking.... if Rosalie is after a piece of moi, then it's obvious, she's not so much his Rose, as Esme implied, but potentially more a thorn in his side. You might want to tap that. Him. Edward. Just in case I wasn't clear. I know you've liked him for years and maybe now he's here..."

My voice peetered out when I noticed Bella blushing and fidgeting even more. She's kinda cute when she blushes. (Oh, I don't mean like that! She's my friend. Take your mind out of the gutter.) I watched as her fingers plucked nervously at her frayed knee.

"Bella?"

"Oh, I don't know, Alice. His mom drops these massive hints, I think. Like she knows that I like him and whenever he comes home for holidays or visits or whatever, she is always quick to tell me about it. I get the feeling she'd like it if Edward and I hooked up." Her fingers twisted nervously in her lap and her eyes darted around the interior of the car. "He probably isn't into me, really. I mean, as if he would be. I mean, I like him - obviously - but I'm no more than the girl that used to compete with him in biology at high school, you know?"

"Well, next time he's home - you know, like now - why don't you ask him for a coffee or something? Maybe he'll be eager to come back more often."

"More often than moving here permanently, you mean?"

Duh, Edward was moving back. I'd completely forgotten about that. "Yeah, sorry, I forgot. Well since he's here, you might as well start asking him out before all the woebegone spinsters and old maids start circling. Especially since we know he's not with Rosalie. He's not with anyone else, right? His mom pretty much said Rosalie was his only companion he was bringing home."

Her eyes darted away. Narrowing my eyes, suspicion dawned in my feeble mind. She knew something. "Bella? What do you know and why aren't sharing with your bestest friend?" Still she said nothing and my suspicion grew. I turned fully in my seat and glared at my friend. "Isabella Swan, you know something and you aren't telling me. It must be super sized if you won't tell me. Is it Edward?"

Her mouth in a grim line, she nodded. Oh no, maybe he's gay or something? I patted her shoulder comfortingly, hoping to cajole the information out of her before I started harder tactics - like just plain old shaking it out of her. "Bell? Honey? Tell me, please?"

Her suddenly wide brown eyes turned to me, both excitement and terror wafted from her. To be honest - it kind of freaked me out - just a little.

"Alice, he's come home!"

I frowned, clearly not understanding how this was significant, "And we know this already. So?"

Bella rushed her words, "Esme said he is settling down now that he's come home to Forks. But the big news is that apparently there is someone here that he is convinced should have been his a long time ago, but when they left wherever they were to come here, he never got the chance to tell them!"

"Yeah?" My mind was still blank. Not many people had moved to Forks. Only Jasper, me... oh and Bella moved back. Yeah, not anyone else that I could think of. Not anyone that would matter to the Doctor Edward Cullen anyway.

And I pretty much said that to Bella. (though I toned it down and made it sound nice.)

Again, her eyes shied away from mine and she was still doing the wringing hands thing. (Why do people do that? It's quite unpleasant to watch, really.) Her hands went through that weird washing motion and when she spoke her voice trembled as she stammered out, "I - I - I, oh shit, Alice, I think it's me! I moved back to Forks, remember? After those casual lunches with Edward back in Boston?"

Oh My Fuck. I so was not expecting that. One hundred dogs escaping from a window - sure, but Bella Swan telling me that a boy had come hundreds of miles to swoop her up and cart her off into the sunset and with his mother's blessing? Yeah-no, wasn't expecting that.

"Mercury Bubble Blast! Bella! That's - that is huge!" My mind raced a dozen times to the limit, and I don't know why, but part of me was extremely jealous (though I will deny it if asked) and part of me was held in disbelief. Edward had come home to tell Bella he wanted her? Was she sure? I know it's mean, but I just could not fathom it. Mind you, I was not privy to what their relationship had been like in the past so it could be perfectly rational. It was just.... part of me just could not comprehend this, God only knows why, and the other part of me - the romantic teenage girl in me - was literally squeeing like a fan girl.

(Guess which part I let win?)

I squealed as I gave her a hug. (yeah, I can't believe I squealed either. It's so... Jessica Wakefield. And I am so not the cheerleader, Valley girl type.) However, we giggled like the three little Mikado maids in our excitement before we sat back in our respective seats, large smiles on our faces.

"You know Bella, it's like a fairy tale! You can tell your grandchildren, 'Edward endured blistering winds and scorching deserts - he climbed the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower...'"

Bella grinned, "Stop it. You aren't the Fairy Godmother."

"What about Jacob?" I was referring to the guy at La Push who had crazy hots for my friend, though she claimed to be oblivious to it and wouldn't accept that he liked her - in that way. Um, and I am the Queen of England.

"Jacob? Oh he isn't into me, Alice. I've told you that before! I think he might be into boys, so there. I caught him with Jared in a bit of a compromising situation."

"Oh really?" Oh that was really interesting. Jared huh? At least Jacob had good tastes, but privately, I still think he had a thing for Bella. Doesn't matter what she says. I can read people.

We just sat there, big smiles on our faces. After a while, Bella turned her head and looked at me, "Ha ha, you said huge."

I grinned. "Took you long enough to pick it up."

(Hey, I never said that Bella wasn't as immature as me.)

Finally, I got motivated and climbed out of Bella's car, waving her off in the small blue hatchback that was nicknamed 'BB'. As soon as it was out of sight though, I dropped my hand and got into my car. My mood pensive, I sat there, waiting for ... well, hell, I don't know - a bolt out of the blue, a parting of the heavens - wait, that was the Red Sea, okay shoot, so that won't be happening any time soon, but waiting for _something_. I blew a gust of breath out, clicking my tongue over and over again, as I contemplated the road ahead of me and yes, Rosalie Hale.

Well shit, this whole thing with Rosalie and Jasper and kisses and dates - it had all thrown me for a loop and I felt my world was turned upside down.

Leaning my head back, I thought about what this meant. Was I lesbian? Or bi-sexual? Why did I even find Rosalie attractive when I had never found anyone else attractive? I mean sure, I looked at women, but it was more in a 'oh they are pretty,' or 'oh I have an outfit like that' way, but I don't think I ever thought about ever really doing it with anyone I ever saw. (Although I did have a thing for Angelina Jolie. But then, who didn't? Lara Croft was hot. Combat boots were always hot. Oh, and a thing for early Sarah Michelle Gellar. Then there was the chick that played Darla on Buffy. I rather liked her. I think I may have crushed on her. Oh, and Jessica Alba when she was in motorbike leathers. Dark Angel, hell yes! Yes, it all comes back to the leather. I wonder what else that says about me?)

What about Jasper? My attraction for him hadn't been tempered by much. My girly parts still got tingly around him, so I knew that still worked (damp panties proves that), and really - he only lost out to his sister. (Damn good genes I have to say. Damn good genes.)

Closing my eyes, I settled further down in my seat as I thought back to that kiss with Rosalie. No man has ever turned me on like that. Rosalie smelled incredible. She had felt soft, pliant and oh, so very willing. It had been like hugging an incredibly luxurious comforter, all velvety soft and warm. And I'm all about texture so I know that the feel of her skin, her silk hair, her full, soft lips were just fascinating to my senses. I can still recall the way her lips felt on mine and the way she tasted. It was sweet, soft and most of all, it felt right. Nothing in that embrace felt wrong, aside from my mind screaming at me that I wasn't queer. (And really, my mind didn't scream all that hard or loud, to be honest.)

My body was responding to my thoughts and emotions and I could feel my nipples hardening and my body becoming distinctly _moist _at the thought of her pressed against me. I groaned as an ache between my legs grew and I could not help but rub my thighs together. My eyes snapped open.

Oh fuck, what did this mean?! I couldn't make head or tail out of my tumultuous feelings. In my growing frustration, I gazed out my window, hoping that I would get a sign or something to help me out of my dilemma.

In my peripheral I spied a familiar head and turned. My breath hitched in my throat when I saw Edward coming out of a nearby store. Should I duck down in my seat or not? Internally I debated, but before I could decide, someone else came out of the same store and grabbed his elbow. Jasper. Shit!

* * *

Quotes:  
ch5  
I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking. I'm not finished becoming who ever the hell it is I'm gonna turn out to be. ~Buffy, Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, TV  
Dukey, if this thing blows up, the Feds will be the least of our problems. ~ Kid Twist, The Sting  
Am I naked? Cos in my nightmares I'm usually naked. ~Logan, Veronica Mars  
What's this? Will the Baron have the last laugh? Are our heroes doomed? Can they get to the bottom of this mystery before they reach the bottom? If not, will this show end early? ~Narrator, Danger Mouse  
Mercury Bubble Blast! ~ Sailor Moon  
He endured blistering winds and scorching deserts - he climbed the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower... ~ Fairy Godmother, Shrek 2

AN: the intelligent science nerds phrase is a small shout-out to some ladies who are some of the most incredibly smart, talented and lovely women I know. I am curious as to how many people pick up on the pop culture references littered throughout this story? I'm terribly geeky and have obviously watched too much TV, seen too many movies and read far too many books. Anyway, I hope you are enjoying it so far.


	6. Lions, and tigers, and bad taste, oh my!

Hale No, Hale Yes

Disclaimer: Twilight not mine. This story is. For longer disclaimer, see Chapter One.

AN: My thanks again to: **kBlackNightingale**, **vampireisthenewblack **and **rhenea5018. **You guys are awesome with your pre-reading and beta skills. Huggles to you. Thanks to **venis-envy** for letting me impromptu WC and running snippets past you. ILYSFM. And once again readers: you blow me away with your reviews. I loved all the reviews that came in. Thank you for letting me know how much you are enjoying this story and that you like this Alice.

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**Chapter 6  
**  
Slouching low in my seat, I observed Edward and Jasper as they argued outside the store. Yes, argued. All manly glaring and bullshit stiffening of the stance and all that. God, I hope they don't see me. All right, I concede - I was hiding from them. Keep in mind the last time I saw Edward, I was either barfing my stomach contents out on his shoes or behaving like a Woodstock groupie talking about love and world peace. And Jasper? Yes, that last conversation was a keeper. So, for now, I'm going to avoid them. Surreptitiously, I peered around my steering wheel and saw Jasper grabbing Edward, yelling something that looked distinctly like 'Hey!' but it was all too apparent that he wasn't having a bar of whatever Jasper wanted to say. Anger seemed to radiate from him as he shook off Jasper's hold. He started to stalk off, but Jasper refused to give up, lunging forward to pull hard on the other man's arm, spinning Edward around. Obviously, they were in disagreement about something - they just stood glaring at one another, their mouths both tight and twisted.

Despite my limited vision from behind the car's console and steering wheel, oh and my fear of them catching sight of me, 'inner me' was chortling with glee and was all 'ooooh, man fight!'. If I hadn't been so petrified of them possibly seeing me, I possibly would have lamented the lack of popcorn as I watched. Oh wait. I stretched to my glove box. Score! I have Milk Duds.

As I ate them slowly, I had to admit Edward and Jasper did make the scenery far more pleasant, adding a little eye candy-pretty to the foreground. Really zhooshed the place up. They looked complementary in a metrosexual kind of way - very Johnny Depp-ish à la Tom Hanson, minus the bad 80s dress. Maybe more Matt LeBlanc-TV101. Hmmm mmmm. Nom nom nom. One dark-haired, one light. Contrasting.

I had to give Edward his dues for being dressed in what was obviously a pair of tailor made slacks and a very expensive shirt - the mother-of-pearl buttons gave it away. And the well-fitting seat of his pants. (Oh, come on, he kept turning his back to me. What else was there to look at?) Nothing worse than a guy with bad taste. Lions, and tigers, and bad taste, oh my! Now, Jasper in his mock turtleneck and indigo jeans, fair screamed of haute couture branding. You can tell; Boss - as in Hugo - jeans fit a guy's ass that much better than any other denim out there. The Queer Eye guys would have been so proud.

There were some very angry gesticulations as the argument got heated, all Bruce Lee in Enter the Dragon, with a lot of face thrusting, belligerent chin jutting and cutting stares. I could only imagine what they were saying to one another since I was too far away to hear them. Fill in these word-bubbles time. Dropping my voice to a low, gravelly tone I ground out, "You wanna piece of me, fool?" (Okay, sure, neither one of them resembled Mr. T. but you have to go with what you know. Yes, I was possibly getting a sugar high.)

I deepened my voice as Edward jabbed his finger into Jasper's chest, "You hear me talkin', hillbilly boy? I ain't through with you by a damn sight. I'm-ma get medieval on your ass."

As irate words came out of Jasper's mouth and he jutted his face into Edward, getting into his face, I filled it in with, "I could come and find you, kick your ass and throw you out of your own party. What do you think about that, dickhead?"

Edward threw his head back and laughed. It seemed to be a very cynical laugh. I cackled, "'You can't fire me. I make your decisions and I say I'm not fired. Ha."

I noticed Jasper's fists clenched tightly at his side while his jaw was gritted together. I breathed heavily, "I understand that you are going through a selfish phase. And, I'm sure that you will understand that I am going through a destructive phase."

I was really getting into the whole 'ad-lib the argument' before I noticed that they were striding - oh crap - towards my car and my heart raced faster.

Oh, crap! What the hell was I to do if they saw me?! Panicking I looked around wildly, trying to work out a story. My eyes landed on my bag. Pick up my phone? Pretend to be on a call? Or maybe I could be marking some papers? Or just dive down and hope for the best? What would Jack Sparrow do? Think, Alice, think!

But luckily for me, they stopped before they reached my car, Jasper once more reaching forward and grabbing Edward. I breathed a sigh of relief only to suck in my breath in one sudden motion. In shock, I watched Edward not just turn around, but I think _he _actually took even Jasper by surprise as Edward leaned in to place a hard kiss on Jasper's mouth.

_'I wanna do bad things with you.'_ Yup, Jace Everett's 'Bad Things' was definitely running through my head. And I couldn't stop watching. Such a voyeur. Shhh....

Horribly fascinated, I gaped as Edward's tongue snaked out to glide with infinite softness along his bottom lip, Jasper's lips parting and Edward's tongue slipping in. Their tongues slid infinitely slowly against one another, just touching, tasting, teasing. Before long, Edward's body swayed towards Jasper and their hands moved up to tug in one another's hair.

Oh. My. Fuck. Edward Cullen was Brokeback Mountain. Oh poor Bella was going to be so heartbroken. God, he better not have led her on! Oh shootie-me-whatsies! Was Jasper? My brain quickly denied this, reminding me of the three persistent requests for dates so although not Brokeback, Jasper was at least Armand. (At least, you have to agree, Armand is not only bi, but hot. Both book _and _movie Armand.)

The slow relishment of Jasper's mouth seemed to be Edward's main aim at this point in his life as he peppered Jasper's mouth with open-mouthed kisses, coaxing and cajoling with the almost languid stroking of his tongue with Jasper's.

As one of Edward's hands plunged into Jasper's hair, he twisted the light strands in his fingers whilst moving closer, keeping the other man held in place. A slight grin graced his mouth before he captured Jasper's lips again and his palm caressed the side of the Jasper's face, smoothing the side of his cheek, along his jaw, and gracefully followed the column of Jasper's neck.

Edward's languorous motions while he was skimming over Jasper's chest and along his side was misleading, because it was anything but dreamy or lazy when Edward finally grasped Jasper's hip; gripping him tightly and jerking Jasper into the curve of his body and moving his rain of kisses along Jasper's jaw. The blond's head lolled back, giving Edward's mouth access to his neck and Edward made full use of that access, trailing his tongue up the column of his throat in one long, smooth movement before capturing that mouth with his once more.

_Holy fuck! _I took a deep breath as spots appeared before my eyes. "Breathe, Alice, breathe," I told myself as I avidly watched these two gorgeous men before me. A million questions ran through my head as I stared at the sight before me. Was Jasper gay? Bi? Het? Surprised?

It seemed Jasper was getting quite into it as Edward's mouth teased him, hands moving to grip Edward's ass. I could see Jasper's hips pulled in until he was situated between other man's legs and I could see them moving against one another, creating some much needed friction. Damn. That was some damn prime meat right there.

This was better than any CF action. (Man, I love me some Unicorns.) Where's the popcorn when you need it? I leaned forward in my gross concentration, but the Milk Duds leaped out of my hands and I struggled to catch them. When I did slam my hands on the packet, it was against my steering wheel and without warning my car horn blared. I jerked my head up. Fuck.

My eyes widened in horror when _they _stopped groping each other, and Edward obviously spied me. I smiled weakly and waved my empty box of Milk Duds. Jasper's face faded from surprise to pleased, pushing hard away from the other man's embrace while Edward's went from stunned to concerned to settle on angry. (At least he's consistent.)

Striding forcefully toward me, Jasper had a large, very fake smile pinned to his face and he aimed for my passenger door. Alarmed, I watched as he pulled open my door, got in and shut the door firmly. The smile dropped like a lead balloon. "Drive, Alice," he ground out. As an afterthought he added, "And lock the doors."

I did as he asked, pressing the control for my central locking as Edward tapped insistently upon my window. Briefly, I had a very disconcerting 'The Birds' moment as he kept tapping on the glass and I instinctively shied away from the window.

"Alice, ignore him. Just drive away. Please." Hearing the shakiness that breathed of barely held control in Jasper's voice, I started the car, smiled apologetically at a stunned Edward and drove away.

Seeing the other man in my rearview mirror kicking the ground and still gesticulating wildly after us, I quickly asked, "Where do you want me to go, Jasper?" I half expected him to say to hell, but figured he was there anywhere so when I received nothing but silence, I just drove. Having a feeling that Jasper had no desire to talk, and having no idea where we were going, I kept driving, but it was a pretty aimless direction I headed in. Seconds, then minutes passed until eventually, after driving in circles around the streets of Port Angeles (in complete silence, I might add which is totally unheard of in Alice world - silence is not golden, it's a torture that cruel people inflict on you. I'm just saying,) I slowed the car and pulled over, parking by the water.

Head swimming with a profusion of confused thoughts and an immeasurable amount of questions, nonetheless I kept silent, but I kept darting glances at the stoic man in my car. After all, sometimes quiet observation can provide more answers than asking endless questions.

Jasper's tightly clenched fist was pushed against his mouth, elbow on the sill of the window, eyes pointed out at the scenery. My heart went out to him. I got the feeling that Edward's actions were a little (okay, a lot) unexpected. Not everyone expects the 'Jake planting a kiss on Hamilton' moment. I could commiserate at how he must be feeling at this moment. Confusion, guilt, turmoil; all the questions that arise from an unexpected kiss from one of your own gender.

The sun had eventually fallen beyond the horizon and the lights turned on and I knew it wouldn't be long before the cold seeped into the warmth of the car's interior. However, not wanting to invade, I sat quietly, leaving the man to his own devices. It took some time, but eventually Jasper realized we were no longer in motion.

"Where are we?" he asked, his voice husky and sounding disoriented.

Having been casting sidelong glances, I turned fully toward him, taking in the haunted look in his eyes as he met mine. Feeling a little invasive at the openness I saw in his face, I slid my glance away and out his window. "West Railroad Ave, overlooking the water. See?"

"Oh yeah."

But he didn't really see. My heartstrings were tugged as he leaned back against the headrest, eyes closed. He looked tired, as if he had been running across deserts for miles. Deciding to give him some solitude, I turned the other way, leaving him to his probably disquieting thoughts.

It took fifteen recitations in my mind of the passages I had in my lesson plans for my classes the following day before I decided enough was enough and I wanted to go home. That and I'd run out of Milk Duds and had no further food in the car. My stomach was reminding me that I hadn't eaten today. Knowing I still had some work to do tonight when I got home, hesitantly I asked him if he wanted me to take him back to his car, or to another destination.

"Rosalie," he croaked, his eyes still closed.

I looked around wildly, thinking that maybe she'd shown up. Not seeing her, I thought maybe Jasper thought I was her, but I dismissed that notion fairly quickly. But I still didn't get what he meant and I was getting a little irritated with the whole 'woe is me' attitude when my stomach was rumbling so my tone was a little brusque when I asked him for some clarification. I was polite and civil about it, although it may have sounded a little - what would you call it? Brusque? What I wanted to say was, _'Wake up you idiot. What did you mean?'_ See? Brusque. You could also say bitchy. (I'm just not that good without food. Low blood sugar always makes me titchy.)

"Rosalie," Jasper repeated then clarified, "She brought me here. She came to the school to pick me up." His eyes opened, that brilliant blue that reminded me so much of Rosalie shining in the little light as he turned his head to look at me. "She saw you. We saw you. We passed you on the 101." He closed them again and resumed his former position. "Then we came here. To meet Edward. He talked. We argued. You saw how that turned out."

Oh. The light dawned. I had wondered how he got here when the last time I'd seen him was standing with Rosalie in the school parking lot. That explains it all. Rose must have driven him here, and if they passed us on the highway, no wonder he and Edward had already had a long conversation by the time I had seen them. Right. Oh. Another light dawned. Yes, I did know how that conversation turned out. The kissing. The making out. Yes. Although that kiss was hot, it was pretty obvious by Jasper's reaction afterward that he wasn't interested. Poor Edward. Easy mistake to make I guess. Jasper _is _a very pretty boy. Obviously, Edward had the wrong idea. Poor guy. I could have told him, had he only asked, that only _one _of the Hales was homosexual and I think I'm pretty safe in my conclusion that _that_ particular Hale was _not _Jasper. I said as much to Jasper and he snorted.

"Yeah," he said in a somewhat non-committal tone.

Or was it dejection I could hear? I looked at him closely, taking in the constantly clenching jaw, the lines that creased his face from the angry scowl he wore, and the tension in his body that indicated his level of aggravation. I let my eyes rove, noting the jagged breathing, the rapidly-blinking-though-unseeing look in his face, and most of all the definite bulge in his pants. This was not a man who was unaffected. This was a man who was most definitely, infinitesmically affected and turned on. Again, drawing my own conclusions, I opened my big mouth, "Are you interested in Edward, Jasper?"

His words exploded from him, "Yes! No! I don't know!"

Well, what do you know? Jasper _was _as dysfunctional and confused as I was. Yay! Or maybe not so yay. I was so not ready to help him deal with his gay relationship issues when I had my own issues to work through. Yes, I'm selfish. Screw me. It's been a long and trying two, three? days. I really wanted to slap him across the back side of his head, but honestly? It was just too much effort.

"Honey, I'm too tired to slap you. Bash your face up against my palm."

He looked at me like I was Fluffy. "What?"

"Confused much? This thing with Edward? Yes? No? I don't know? I think that pretty much sums up that you're more than a little confused."

He sighed. "Oh. Right. Yeah, I know. I don't know, Alice. Edward and I - I - Ed - It was supposed to be a talk... It was supposed to be a talk, dammit!" Jasper slammed his head back against his headrest and his hands slid through his hair in his frustration.

His hand hit the console. Melodramatic much? I frowned, part of me wanting to berate him for hurting Susie (the car) and the other part was all ooooh, intrigue! Teh dramaz! Hoomans are strangezt. Mentally, I was clapping my hands together like an over-excited two year old, and squealing silently, '_What did Edward say? What did he say?!_' (What can I say? I live for the drama.)

Then Jasper started raving and I had trouble trying to keep up as he ranted, "Bastard said it was going to be an explanation of why he was here. Why he had decided to come home. After all this time, he decides to come home? I'm the one who moved here when _his _mother got sick. He couldn't be bothered moving from Boston! But he managed to fuck off to Seattle. After all this time, he decided to come home? Really? I gave him space. And time! To get over all his emo fuckery. I'm trying to settle down here. I dated! I've been dating! I have dated almost all the women there are in Forks and every town in a twenty mile radius! Then Rose, _my _fucking sister Rose, is on his fucking side! What the hell is up with that? She's _my _sister, dammit. Leaving us alone with only 'Sort it out' and 'Don't hurt him or you will be dealing with me' before driving off. And then he says something like that! What the fuck?!"

On the outside, I asked quietly, "Who said what? Edward? Edward said what, Jasper?" but internally I was holding my breath waiting for the big reveal. I received nothing. Jasper was silent. Um, hello? I tried again. "What, Jasper? What's so wrong with what Edward said?"

I watched as Jasper took a deep breath and those startling blue eyes turned their vivid gaze on me as he spat out, "He said he was in love with me."

Oh, wow. Shakespeare could make a whole new play out of all of this. Letting out a shocked sigh, I sat there, assimilating this. Jasper's eyes bored into mine, daring me to say something, and I just sat there like a stunned mullet, gaping like said fish at him.

Then Jasper was lunging towards me, his lips seeking mine, his fingers twisting in my hair and his tongue plundering my mouth. I felt as if I was sinking under the deep azure blue of the sea outside of my car, wave upon wave crashing against the sea wall. I could hear our breathing, sounding heavy in the otherwise silent eve. All thoughts had flowed out of my head, only to be replaced with an urgency to prove I was still all woman. All the fuckery that had been my brain since Saturday night suddenly cleared and my girly parts were all tingly again. A man was all over me. Hell yes!

Hands grasped, clutched, as mouths grappled; legs entwined as I clambered over the console and slid into Jasper's lap. My lips anxiously searched for his, met, sucked, licked, tongued. Thoughts whirled dizzyingly through my head, but then I could only feel the excitement and the anticipation that flowed through my traitorous body as his hands roved. One of his hands twisted in my hair, pulling my face to his and his lips suckled on mine, bruising them as he kissed with a ferocity that left me gasping; the other hand smoothed down my arm, gliding over my breast, and palming its curve in his large hand.

Then there were the sounds of wrenching material, harsh, guttural sounds as we twisted and grappled, trying to remove superfluous material: he - his turtleneck, me - my jacket, then blouse until skin felt skin. I felt so alive, so free. My hands scrambled for a grip on him, against his shoulders, his neck until they finally settled in his hair and gripped tightly as my tongue played with his. His thumb unerringly found where my nipple was located and brushed lightly over the outside of my bra, my body jerking in excited anticipation. I wanted this. I wanted him. Desperation much?

Goosebumps rose in the wake of his fingertips and frissons of awareness ran down my back. Deftly, his fingers undid the snap of my bra and then his hand was there, slipping in, sliding warm hands against my bare skin. Wrenching my mouth from his, I flung my head back, my hands braced upon his shoulders as his hand pushed up my bra and his thumb flicked urgently over my nipple, sending pulses of electricity down my body and I could feel my panties dampen as lust for this man ran through me. Hot, molten lust. I want more. I need more.

My hands roved, touching his neck, caressing his chest, feeling the coarseness of of the line of chest hair beneath my fingers, and gliding down to run lightly over his abs. I heard the hiss of his indrawn breath and it emboldened me. Beneath my fingertips I could feel his bared skin; warm, hard, and --- very infinitely male. All muscles, sinews, and the familiarity felt so good.

Jasper's warm breath washed over my exposed skin, his breathing raspy and hoarse as he whispered, "Alice... look at me."

Compelled, I raised my head and was held helpless by the piercing intensity of his look as the light glinted off his blond hair, turning it golden. Disconcertingly a song started in my head... _Her hair is Harlow gold, her lips sweet surprise... _Those blue eyes - so reminiscent of Rosalie's - held mine with an intensity that threatened to remove what little breath I had left in my body as his hand glided from my tangled hair down, down my throat, between my breasts and down between us, roughly pulling up my skirt to my waist. Bare fingers grazed over my sensitive nub as they whispered their way beneath the cotton of my panties, and lightly dragged through the cleft of my damp nether lips. Sighing, I shuddered in both relief and anticipation.

The tips of his fingers coaxed their way into me. I shivered. I shook. My inner muscles sighed and gave way to his intimate exploration, and I could not help myself; I moaned and undulated my hips as he found that spot and ran his fingers over it, repeatedly stroking, all the while holding my gaze. Then his thumb joined in and with a gentle motion, firmly circled my clit. "Keep your eyes open, Alice. I want to watch you."

My nipples tightened in response to his words and he captured one erect nipple between his other thumb and forefinger, rolling it gently between them. All of it was overly intense and, strung out over Rosalie and my recent ruminations, it didn't take long before I was clenching tightly around Jasper's fingers as they smoothly slid in and out of me. Oh my fucking God. I wanted him inside me. Right the fuck now.

The sensations flowing through me were phenomenal. My hips pushed against the hardness I could feel between my legs and my lungs expelled air in jagged, shallow breaths.

I don't know what happened. It happened so quickly. His eyes faded in my mind and all I saw were Rosalie's eyes as they were at the school - full of hurt, dismay and sadness... and again, that song filled my head, _'And she'll tease you, she'll unease you, all the better just to please you_...' Shaking my head, I tried to remove the images of Rose, of her touch, her taste and desperately I grabbed at Jasper, plunging my tongue insistently against his, trying to rid myself of the ghosts.

Then his hands moved, tugging at his belt and all too soon, I could feel him - really feel him - as he pushed against my entrance. His length slid inside me, and his hands guided my hips. I rose and fell upon his hardness, but while I was allowing him to fill me, while I let him thrust into me; my guilt grew and grew... I felt like I was cheating on her.

Suddenly it, _he_ was too invasive.

And, like a dam bursting, the guilt came pouring out and like a bitch slap in the face, I pulled back. Harsh sobs rent through the air, courtesy of me, but Jasper mistook them for cries of passion for his thrusts became more urgent, and my guilt rose even as my body's lust grew...

I wrenched myself off him, climbing as far back as I could off his lap. His eyes full of desire, accusation and anger met mine. I couldn't move. God, I don't blame him for being angry. He had been so close and I pulled away. But I couldn't. I couldn't do that while she was in my head. I didn't want this Hale, I wanted the other one. Jasper - Hale no. Rosalie - Hale yes.

Stunned at myself, I stayed frozen in place, but my gaze slid away as I whispered, "I'm sorry, Jasper..." My fingers were shaking against my bruised and swollen lips and my eyes woefully met his in apology. "I'm so sorry."

Jasper, on the other hand, was not rooted to the spot and frozen in limbo like I was. In fact, far from it as he tugged urgently, wrapping his fingers around his hard cock. His hand slid along his length, deliberate movements, slowly at first, then faster, his hips thrusting with his movements.

I semi-crouched, semi-stood on the passenger side floor, my skirt still bunched around my hips, my panties still askew and pulled to one side. God, I dreaded to think what people would be able to see as they passed by. But I couldn't help but be relieved. At least he wouldn't be blue-balled by the end of this little episode.

His intense look at me holding me in stasis, my gaze was drawn to where his fingers were tightened around his shaft and he pumped himself. Nervously, I ran my tongue along my bottom lip and then my name left his lips. My eyes flew to meet his, I could see he was close. My body was responding to the heat in his eyes, as they fastened on my lips and snaking my tongue out, I moistened my lips once more, parting them softly. His hips jerked as he fisted himself faster. However, surprisingly, it was not my name on his lips as he released... Our eyes were held together as Jasper growled, "Fuck! Edward!" and with a cry and a grunt, he came, his entire body shuddering, hips lifting off the seat with the force of his climax, the reverberations running through my body with its intensity.

I held a fist to my mouth in surprise and shock as the startling revelation came to me, ignoring my momentary lack of dress and the mess that Jasper was creating on my leg. This was huge, on a grand scale of ginormous because like me, Jasper had been trying to banish the thoughts of the one he truly wanted. I could have thought of more, but all my mind could think of at that moment?  
_  
Oh my God. I need a cheeseburger.  
_

* * *

Quotes:  
ch6  
Lions, and tigers, and bad taste, oh my! ~Carson Kressley, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy  
You hear me talkin', hillbilly boy? I ain't through with you by a damn sight. I'm-ma get medieval on your ass. ~Pulp Fiction  
"I could come and find you, kick your ass and throw you out of your own party. What do you think about that, dickhead?"~ Live Free, Die Hard  
You can't fire me. I make your decisions and I say I'm not fired. Ha. ~Monica, Friends  
I understand that you are going through a selfish phase. And, I'm sure that you will understand that I am going through a destructive phase. ~ Mollie, Look Who's Talking  
Honey, I'm too tired to slap you. Bash your face up against my palm. ~ Karen, Will and Grace  
"Her hair is Harlow gold, her lips sweet surprise... And she'll tease you, she'll unease you, all the better just to please you...' ~ Bette Davis Eyes, Kim Carnes

And if you don't know the word zhoosh, here is the explanation of it.  
http: // en . wikipedia. org /wiki/Polari#Zhoosh

Has everyone seen my pretty banner by vampireisthenewblack? If not, please do. It's so pretty! Check it out (remove the spaces) http: // i663. photobucket. com/ albums/ uu357/vampireisthenewblack/banners/HNHY_banner-1. gif

**Special Author's note: I jsut received an email to say that Hale No, Hale Yes has been nominated for Best Overall in the Giggle Snort Awards. Unfortunately there is no Alice category. It needs more nominations to make it through to the voting stage so if you like this, so pretty please with all the sugar in the world on top, please nominate for Hale No Hale Yes for Best Overall (only once per IP address please or risk disqualification) **  
** http : // gigglesnortawards . mmmboptastic . com**

Thank you!


	7. And Words are All I have

Hale No, Hale Yes

Disclaimer: Twilight not mine. This story is. For longer disclaimer, see Chapter One.

AN: My special thanks to: **kBlackNightingale**, who knows that she has this every week to go through and fix all my mistakes. Yes, it seems I have a vendetta against the word 'been' this chapter. Thank you for doing this, even after a hard day at work.

**vampireisthenewblack **and **rhenea5018 - **You guys are awesome with your pre-reading and advice. Huggles to you.

And once again readers: I am humbled by your awesomeness. Thank you for the great reviews.

* * *

**Chapter 7**

I banged my head against my steering wheel. Talking with Jasper was doing my head in. We'd stopped. The making out. (Obviously.) But not before I'd had a pair of beautifully talented fingers doing their magic inside me and I'd come with abandon like some Barbara Cartland heroine around his fingers... And not before Jasper came all over my leg, moaning his desired lover's name...

Talk about awkward.

Clambering back into my seat was not nearly as smoothly done as when I had climbed over it to get to Jasper's lap. There had been a lot of head banging, awkward 'oh sorry' moments, and some very embarrassed glances. We then sat in awkward silence before finally we got around to discussing ... that. And even that conversation was, well, _stilted_. I can't put my finger on it exactly. Something changed between us. It was awkward, but a shared awkward. I daresay that our little moment of intimacy probably created a whole lot of distance that was never there to start with.

"Jasper...."

"Alice..." he singsonged. Why won't he be serious about this?

I glared. "Butthead."

"Beaver," he deadpanned.

Like a sucker fish, my mouth opened and shut a few times before I finally found some words. "You suck," I growled at him.

Grinning, he sat back, hands clasped behind his head. "For a woman who teaches English, your vocabulary is surprisingly small. I think I won that round."

I banged my head again - repeatedly. "Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid." Yep, my new mantra. Like it? I do.

"You might not like that little head of yours, but I do, and I think my sister certainly does."

I looked up to see Jasper's blue eyes staring down at me. Yeah, his eyes still had nothing on Rosalie's. Crap. I think Jasper was right. I need to just admit it. Especially when I came to the conclusion at the exact moment when he was about to shoot his load and I said no, and blue balls became imminent. It would be fair to actually come clean and just admit my feelings. Preferably not in the manner that Jasper announced his for Edward though, as that would be a little too caring-sharing and all that. Not my bag. Rosalie on the other hand...

"I have it bad for your sister, don't I?" I whispered. "Just as badly as you have it for Edward."

He smiled sheepishly at me, blushing and rubbing the back of his neck. Yeah, okay I thought he was still sort of cute. Oh come on, that bit of me hadn't been turned off overnight, just subdued a little... He bit his lip, sucking it in and letting it out slowly - not that I was really paying attention to it... I wasn't. Truly.

"Yeah, I think we established that earlier. But look, if it makes you feel any better, Rose feels the same way. About you. Edward - Edward is complicated. Alice... sorry, but never really been comfortable doing this. I mean, I expected - I mean, damn. Look, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have kissed you. Or..."

His fingers flicked my way. I blushed as I got his meaning. "No, no, it's okay." His brow rose enquiringly. I rushed to clarify, "Not in that way. Like it's a good thing we kissed... and the other stuff. Wait. I mean it was good that we learnt something from the... petting. God, I sound so old-fashioned. I mean who says petting nowadays? Fucking? No, so crass. I meant that it was good to work out that I wasn't just drunk off my tree and stuff. When I kissed Rosalie. Not this time. It's good. That we made out. Now. Because now we're not so confused. Right?"

"Right. Not quite according to plan... "

"Hey," I shrugged, "complications arose, ensued, were overcome. So it was a good thing we found out now."

His hand had risen to my face. "Yes, Alice it was a good thing." The backs of his fingers brushed my cheek, eyes roving over my face as if memorizing every inch of it. A little unnerving to be honest. "You're so tiny," he observed. I rolled my eyes. (Only worked that out now buster? I know - too snarky.) His tone casual, he remarked, "You're not the jock I expected Rosalie to fall for, you know."

I snorted and shook my head. Smiling gently at him, I asked somewhat teasingly, "And of course you know that sounds very stereotypical. Everyone likes jocks. I bet even you'd prefer them."

Those lips curved up into that familiar beautiful smile. God, what a shame it got weird!

"Not for the reasons you think. For _that_, I prefer them lithe."

"Like Edward."

"Like Edward. God, I know how to screw things up big time, don't I?" Amused, I looked at him. We were in the same boat. Guilt is an emotion too good to not share, huh? Jasper and I had a ton of it, it seemed. "Alice, Rosie's my kid sister. I just want to watch out for her. To make sure that even if I can't guarantee that she will not get her heart broken, to at least be assured that anyone she dates tries extra hard not to break her heart. But this? She likes you. She really likes you. And I do this. To the both of them." He cradled his head in his hands. My hand reached out to grasp his arm consolingly. When he looked up, his gaze was somber and it seemed he was trying to convey something to me in the depths of those ocean blue eyes. "I've fucked it, us, them. The deepest circle of hell is reserved for betrayers and mutineers."

I gazed at him for moment, confused as all hell. "You want me to worry about my own fortune? What on earth are you going on about, Jasper?"

Quizzically, he looked at me, "You got that?"

"Of course I got that," I retorted. "Jack's the best character. Pirate. Will's a plank. Wannabe pirate. Ever notice how Will goes to save Elizabeth, but she always ends up saving him, and it's Jack who saves Elizabeth? He should have stuck to being a blacksmith. But I guess he had pirate's blood in him. But look what that got him in the end - ferrying bodies lost at sea. And who got the girl? I reckon Jack did." I was rambling I know, but all this? It was unnerving to say the least. Talking about Pirates was the most sane thing that has happened all day.

Jasper broke in, his voice soft, "Alice, don't hurt my sister."

I stopped my ramble. "Excuse me?"

"As her big brother..."

What fuckery is this? I gaped at him. "Are you kidding me? You're doing the whole big brother act now? Where the hell was big brother on Saturday night? And thirty minutes ago when your cock was inside..."

Interrupting, he groaned, "I know, I know. Fuck, I know! Shit, like I said, Saturday night was supposed to be about Rose and the whole blind date thing with you, but I was distracted by my date. On Saturday, not tonight. Well I got distracted by him tonight as well. Fuck!"

My mind was slowly piecing things together. "Edward? Edward was your _date_?" I took a deep breath. "I thought Saturday was an honest-to-goodness date. With me! That I was having dinner with you, Jasper."

The silence was overwhelming and I chanced a glance at him. In return, he gave me a troubled look.

"Oh wow. Oh God. Oh Alice. I'm so sorry." Jasper looked so uncomfortable. He ran a hand through his already tousled hair. "Fuck, when I mess up, I mess up good." Beseechingly, he spoke, "Look, I'm so, so sorry. I thought when you turned me down three times and I heard you hadn't dated the whole time you've been in Forks - wow. Yeah, I thought... I mean... Christ Almighty, Alice. I figured you played for the other side, you know. That's why I invited you. I got that feeling about you. I thought you and Rosalie would be.. you know... keen to hook up. I mean, I told her you were a, um, lesbian, and that's why she was so interested in you that night. I mean... wow, yeah I can't apologize enough. I am so sorry. Again, I'm sorry, Alice. Yeah."

The penny dropped. Rosalie. Set up.

Accusingly, I glared at him, "So you set me up with Rosalie? I thought you said you weren't gay?" I was outraged and I rant a lot when I get outraged. He set me up. Jasper set me up! (Yes, I _am _ignoring the past half hour of talking about the fact he was in fact gay or bi or whatever it was that he declared himself to be. It doesn't excuse the fact he set me up!) "You certainly didn't feel like you were gay in any way half an hour ago. In fact, you felt decidedly straight, although you favor to the left a bit." I sat back and crossed my arms, staring out the window. "And here I thought Edward was Rosalie's boyfriend or something."

"What? Hell no."

(I had to smile. When Jasper says Hell it sounds like Hale. Kind of cute.)

He laughed, "Rosalie wouldn't go within a foot of any guy. I told you - she's a lesbian."

"Yeah, but I thought that was some joke! Like," I shrugged helplessly, "like, when you say it's the blonde in her, or the geek in her, or something! Not that she is actually an actual lesbian!" The laughter that came from him made me feel like someone should stick a cone on my head and make me face a corner. "God, I can't believe I was so stupid!"

I cursed a few times, thinking the gods really did hate me right now. All the insecurities, all the thoughts and confused emotions that had been running rampant since the 'Bella Italia incident' all came flooding back to me. Dully, I stared out the window. Fuck, how dense was I?

"Hey." Jasper's voice was soft and his fingers brushed against my damp cheek. I wasn't even aware I had started to cry. "Don't beat yourself up. When a Hale guns for you, they almost always inevitably get what they want."

"But I'm not gay! I don't make out with girls!" I wailed. Why won't people believe me?

Jasper's mouth dropped open and he just stared at me. "Rose was your first?"

"Yes," I whispered. "My first ... something. I don't want to tempt fate by putting a label on her. But yes. I thought..." Deprecatingly, I laughed, but it came out sounding brittle and jaded. "Yeah, well, it's done now isn't it? I'm thinking shit, and wondering what the fuck, and I'm all screwed up now. I just made out with you when all that's been on my mind is your sister. I mean - fuck! It's your sister! Way to keep things in the family!" Frustrated, I banged my hands on the wheel. "I've had boyfriends! Now, when I'm supposed to be considering finding 'The One', I'm a fucking lesbian? How the fuck does that happen?" I searched his face, hoping for the answers to be written there.

Jasper's eyes were sympathetic. "It's hard when you first realize. Both Rosalie and Edward had a hard time. But realizing you're attracted to the same sex is always hard the first time. Attraction is fluid. You never know who you're going to be attracted to. Don't be so quick to label yourself."

"How did Edward - and Rosalie - know? How did you know?"

Jasper scoffed. "Edward? He's always known, deep down."

I snorted. Poor Bella. She'll be so disappointed. She really liked Edward. Damn, why are all the good ones gay? "He's gay?" I needed to make sure, for Bella's sake.

Jasper grinned, his mouth curving sexily. "Dancing around the friggin' maypole, yes," he confirmed.

"Wow." I breathed, "So did not expect that. Gay Edward huh?" He nodded. I nodded with him, mulling this over, but then realized - "You told Rosalie I was a lesbian?"

"Hey, look. It's an easy mistake to make. And hey, after you saying no just now, it looks like I might have been right anyway. Like I said, you never know who you will be attracted to. Don't put a label on it. You're not necessarily lesbian, or bi. Just be you. It'll work itself out naturally."

My face flamed, but I still told him, "I gave you all the right signals, Jasper. I looked interested. I flirted. I smiled coquettishly even, and let me tell you that's damn hard to do when you want to leap someone's bone so freaking much instead - " I slapped my hand over my mouth, my eyes wide.

_Oh fuck me senseless, I did not just say that!_

Jasper roared with laughter. "So not a lesbian then?"

Shaking my head, grinning back with my face still flushed, I dropped my hand from my mouth. "No, not a lesbian. That I know of. But I do know that I like your sister. I don't know what that makes me yet."

"I guess that's you and me both, kiddo." Jasper leaned back, eyes staring at the roof of my car. "God, what a mess I've made," he repeated as he reflected aloud. His hand ran through his hair again, and he looked the worse for wear.

We sat there, alone with our thoughts, (though how you can be alone with your thoughts when there is another person in the car, is another matter. Technically you're not, alone that is, but you are. Way too confusing to work it out right now.) Assessing Jasper, I could see he was stressed about his own situation. I guess, that would be difficult - having someone you have known for a while, declare their love for you when you aren't sure about whether your sexual preferences are one and the same. (And before you say it, Rosalie and I are not at all the same. Neither of us have declared any love. Just a little lust and it was just once. I _will _delude myself for a bit longer.)

Call it sixth sense or something, but I just knew that everything would be okay. Leaning closer to him, I patted his arm. "It's okay, Jasper. You won't hurt her."

Looking at me, he smiled. "She'll be angry that I made moves on her girl."

"'Her girl' wasn't entirely innocent in the matter. She'll be angry that I used you to banish thoughts of her."

Grinning, he joked, "You used me? Wow, that's just mean. I feel so cheap." He shook his head, staring down into his lap, a small grin on his face. He glanced back up at me, from beneath ridiculously long lashes. (Bastard. Do you know what I would do to get lashes like that?)

"Help me fix this, Alice?" His eyes had that puppy dog look at them and I caved in almost immediately. Man, I am such a sucker for puppy dog eyes - especially on really hot men. (Hey, I still find him attractive, just not as much as I find his sister.)

"Whatever you need, Jasper."

"Take me back to Forks, please? I think I need to fix something."

"Not to see Edward? You sure about this?" I asked, my hand on the key in the ignition.

"About as sure as you were when you stopped fucking my cock."

God, he's still sexy when he smirks like that. I took a deep breath, started the ignition and stated matter-of-factly as I eased back on the road, "So pretty sure then."

~tj~

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Quotes:  
Ch7  
Complications arose, ensued, were overcome. ~ _Captain _Jack Sparrow, Pirates of the Caribbean, Dead Man's Chest  
The deepest circle of hell is reserved for betrayers and mutineers. ~ _Captain _Jack Sparrow, Pirates of the Caribbean, Curse of the Black Pearl  
It's okay, Jasper. You won't hurt her. ~ Alice, Twilight the movie.

AN: Thank you again for your wonderful support of this story. Unfortunately 'Hale No, Hale Yes' did not get to the voting round of the Giggle Snort Awards. But huge thank yous to those who voted! There are some mighty funny stories in the voting round so please read and support these fabulous authors. I think voting starts May 20. http: // gigglesnortawards. mmmboptastic. com/nominations. php

Until next week! :)


	8. Llama Llama Cheesecake, Llama Llama Duck

Hale No, Hale Yes

Disclaimer: Twilight not mine. This story is. For longer disclaimer, see Chapter One.

AN: My special thanks to: **kBlackNightingale**, who knows that she has this story every week to go through and fix all my mistakes. And I am so sorry that it took me so long to post this chapter after you worked hard to get it done!

**vampireisthenewblack **and **rhenea5018 - **You guys are awesome with your pre-reading and advice. Huggles to you. And thank you for prodding and pushing for me to update.

And once again **readers**: I am humbled by your awesomeness. Thank you for the great reviews. I am so very sorry for the delay in posting. Real life was not helpful in productivity when it came to writing and editing this past fortnight. I hope you enjoy this chapter and will endeavour to get an extra chapter soon to make up for the delay. :)

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**Chapter 8  
**  
As we drove back along the 101, I couldn't help but glance at Jasper until he eventually growled, "Stop it, Alice." I grumbled, but tried to stop. My eyes had other ideas and kept shifting to his inert figure.

A deep sigh left him and he turned to me, his voice full of exasperation, "I know I'm irresistible, but puh-leeze, top fangirling over me. I'm not some sparkly vampire you can drool over."

Flushing, I recalled the time that Jasper caught me reading the Young Adult series. He's never going to let me live that down. Luckily, my phone rang and I quickly pushed the button that activated my hands-free car kit. Angela's voice came through clearly. "Okay, sorry about that guys, I'm back. Ben needed a hand settling the kids. So, what did I miss?"

Jasper was snide, "Snow White's lost dwarf can't stop staring at the pretties."

My hand naturally gravitated to thump his leg, "Idiot."

A long pause from the phone and then Angela said slowly, "Okay. You guys are strange. So where were we? Oh yes - Alice, do you like Jasper's sister?"

Great, we were back to me and the soul searching. What I've always wanted - to talk about the person I like with her family next to me. Peachy-keen, baby, peachy-keen.

Breathing out slowly, I replied, "I don't know. I really don't, Angela. I mean, I haven't really gotten to know her, if you know what I mean? I stared at her during dinner, but didn't really hear much of what she said - more what she sounded like. And I don't think I can count sticking my tongue down her throat as a getting to know you moment." There was a snicker, covered by a cough from the seat next to me. I rolled my eyes. Trust Jasper to find this amusing. "Quiet, you. You'd think you'd take this seriously since it concerns _your _sister."

He made a motion with his hand, "Concentrate on the road, munchkin. Follow that yellow brick road."

"Whatever." I may have sounded dismissive, but I did turn my attention back to the road. It was needed there, rather than on the man next to me. Fog had been already lowering when we finally started the drive back in the direction of Forks and I had had to slow right down. Seriously, it would take hours at this rate. Damn. My mind was distracted enough by thoughts of Rosalie without the added worry of this pea soup rolling in and obscuring my vision.

My thoughts tumbled in my head.

'Do I like her? Where did this fog come from? Why is this highway so deserted? Do I like the goddess Rosalie Hale? Does she like me? Will there be champagne and rose petals? Will there be a Hardy Boys moment looming out of the mist?'

"Get a grip!" I told myself.

Angela's disembodied voice blared through my hands-free kit and I jumped. Thoughts of 'The Hardy Boys and the mystery of the Missing Chums' suddenly loomed in my mind. Except I was in a car, not a boat. (Hang on, wasn't Frank? Oh wait, no that was another book in the series.)

"Alice? So why don't you treat this the same way as any guy? Like Jasper said, ask her on a date. It's not any different from dating anyone else. It's not like she's got three legs and four eyes or anything pokey-outey. In fact, it's better! Everything's tucked away neatly inside and then you can forage for it! Like a game! Only better..."

"Angela!" My hands tightened on the wheel in shock at her words. Nice Angela doesn't say stuff like that, usually.

"Alice!" she mimicked. "I have three kids, Alice. I know how anatomy works. And let me tell you, that peen thing that boys have can sometimes be real annoying. Two heads are not better than one in most cases. No offence, Jasper."

"None taken..." He sat there, chuckling away like a loon. Again, I thumped his knee just as Angela spoke again.

"Since you seem to be chuckling in your corner there, Jasper, how about you tell me why the hell you were snogging - was that the term you used? - my good friend Alice? After kissing the hell out of another guy?"

The indignation was rife in Jasper's voice, "He kissed me!"

Sniggering, Angela answered, "From what Alice said, it didn't sound like you were scraping his mouth off your lips, nor were you anxious to get his tongue out of your..."

"You weren't there!" Huffing, Jasper sat back in his seat, muttering under his breath as she continued to needle him.

I had to laugh. Jasper was getting the grilling from Angela. His fault. Well, maybe mine when I called her. (I had been confused. Jasper hadn't helped. Yes, my nerves were shot and I needed to talk to someone. Poor Angela had been it. I had called her from my cell and poured out my pathetic story.) Now she was taking it out on the both of us. I felt as if we were in a therapy session.

"... but you still didn't answer me about why you felt compelled to kiss Alice. Was it because you needed to reassert your manhood? Your straightness? Are you as confused as our Alice?"

Hey! I felt like I should have been offended by that remark, but I stayed quiet. Apparently, Jasper was doing the same thing as the silence grew longer.

I could hear Angela clearing her throat before she asked quietly, "Alice? While Jasper is debating on his manliness, and licking his balls to make sure they are still there, let me ask you this - is Rosalie a fly-by-night fancy? Are you just intrigued because she's a girl? Was that why you stopped giving him head?"

"She stopped during sex!" interjected Jasper hotly at the same time as I corrected her, "It wasn't head!"

Jasper and I exchanged a furious glare at one another before I bit out, "It wasn't head, Angela. It was just sex."

"Right. Sex where you stopped at the crucial moment. And sex where he felt compelled to wank and reveal his 'one true love' as Edward Cullen. Did you ever meet such a proud, disagreeable man?" she quipped dryly.

Jasper ground out, "Shut it, Angela."

I threw out a reply to Ange, "The very rich can afford to give offense wherever they go. We need not care for his good opinion."

"Hey, you're about to screw my sister. I have to be the chivalrous one."

Incredulous, I semi-turned to him, "Chivalrous? What chivalry are we talking about here? You used my silk blouse to clean yourself up! I won't be able to get that stain out. You Monica Lewinsky'd my clothing!"

"Hey..."

Angela broke in, "Okay, okay, ding ding ding, time out. Answer the question. Or I'll screw up your photocopying for your next month's worth of classes." Silence ensued, although Jasper and I sat there glowering at one another. Lucky for us, Angela couldn't see us on the hands-free kit. "Look, Alice, why not try dating her first," Angela suggested, "then you can think about what's below the waist. Actually, below the neck, since she has boobs as well."

"Well..." I began hesitantly as my mind began to focus on Rosalie and her breastage. I recalled with a certain fondness how they felt pressed up against mine. Oh yes, she definitely had those.

"Dirty girl," Jasper's drawl sounded from his seat, the Southern accent sounding particularly heavy as he smirked at me. I threw him an aggravated look. "What? Admit it, Alice. You were imagining the breastage on my sister. You got that lusty smile thing going. You know, just to fuel those fantasies, she has this red, string bikini, and she likes working on cars."

I made a face at him. Annoying man. He batted his eyes at me in an attempt to look innocent. Instead, it reminded me of Rosalie. Great, now I have images of bikini-clad Rosalie covered in dirt, grease and looking at me. Le sigh. Now I just need whipped cream... I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment, quietly admonishing myself, "Dirty, dirty, dirty," trying valiantly to ignore the snickering man next to me.

"Alice? Are you still there?" Angela's voice broke through my nefarious thoughts.

"Sorry. Just... ah, turning a sharp corner," I lied, bringing my thoughts back from the tantalizing images of red-string-bikini-Rosalie lying upon the hood of my car that had somehow navigated their way into my mind.

"Uh-huh..." Two voices chorused at me. One was Jasper, still sitting in my passenger seat, staring out the window with smirk still plastered firmly on his face. (He's going to find himself out that door on his ass any moment if I had my way.) The other was Angela. Yeah, I don't think Angela believed me either. After all, she's been navigating this highway for years before I got to Forks and she knows there are no sharp corners. (Poor Angela. Instead of tucking in her children, she was giving me relationship advice.)

Angela was obviously doing dishes as the sounds of pots clattering in the background sounded loudly. Angela's quiet voice prompted, "Alice?"

"Ange... I don't know," I finally answered. "She's the first person that's really done anything for me since James. Jasper was, or rather is, hot, but he didn't do it quite like that, you know?"

"Hey!"

Ignoring him, Angela agreed, "You know that James was almost perfect for you. You're spoilt for all men after that guy. Like Ben is spoiling me for any guy. That's why.." her voice got louder - "... he isn't allowed to die before me!" (The answering 'Yes, dear' made me snort with amusement and I exchanged an amused grin with Jasper before Angela got back on the phone.) "You know I'm right, Alice," Angela chided me. "James was the 'it' dude for you. He was loving, kind, warm, unselfish towards you and dammit, the way you talk about the stuff with you two... I'd give up Ben in a heartbeat to run away to him."

We heard the distinct 'Hey!' of disgruntlement in the background.

"Well, if you did the dishes tonight like you said you would, I wouldn't be thinking thoughts like that!" she called back to him.

"Alice called so you told me to put the kids to bed!" came Ben's faraway voice. He sounded a bit defensive.

She snorted, "Well if I told you to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge, would you run out and do it?"

Ben must have moved to Angela as his voice was no longer yelling in the background. Instead it sounded close and full of warmth as he growled out, "Yes, because I love you. And I aim to make my kids' momma happy. Cause if she ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

I had to smile at his words. Aw, ain't love grand? I got the distinct impression that Angela was almost purring at that point. They really did have a great relationship. I want that. I need that.

"Who is James?"

I had almost forgotten the man next to me. Almost. I sighed. "My ex. I thought he was going to be my forever."

"Some idiot guy who broke your heart?"

"Don't be an idiot, Jasper. James wasn't like that."

No, my last boyfriend was not some idiot that deserved to have his balls cut off. James was a patient man, a worshipful man, a loving man and a giving man. However, with all of those men in my life at one time, it is no freaking wonder that no man thereafter was going to compare. It was only because of our differing life goals that we parted and even then, it was with some reluctance on both of our parts. (Even now, I still miss him and ring him occasionally.) He was actually a very decent guy, very nice, and lots of fun to be around, and in our three years together, we had a great time. However, he truly spoiled me in many ways for any other man. Hence the long dry spell.

"He was a really great guy, who made me realise that I wanted something more." Having been a single woman for a number of years, only dating the odd guy here and there had only made me redefine my criteria and my own goals. That and James was the ruler against which all possible men were measured. Any future partner I had would have a lot to live up to. And most of them - well, they just hadn't measured up.

Sighing, I explained, "James is my yard stick. He is the semi-ultimate man. The person I want to be with has got to be better than that."

With those words, my thoughts turned back to Rosalie as the miles (and the silence) stretched on. Rosalie Hale was obviously not a fly-by-night fancy. She figured in my waking thoughts and if the dreams were anything to go by, also in my sleep. She was a beauty, and intelligent and she wanted me. That alone made me think twice about giving her up. (Let me clarify something here; I'm not going into this on a sudden whim. While I may be spontaneous, I'm not that spontaneous. Usually...)

Angela's voice drew me back as it echoed through the phone, "All right, Ben, enough smushing up to me. Go, let me finish talking to Ally." Angela turned her attention back to me, "Alice, all I'm saying is give it a chance. James seems like he was a great guy, but when you talk about him, it's like he is nice. Just nice though. No edge, no moonlight and roses, and not all Sandy-meets-Danny-at-the-beach-love-is-a-many-splendored-thing, you know what I'm saying? Rosalie seems to knock you for six. Do you get that?"

I sighed. Yes, I did get it.

"Yes, I understand, Ange. The thing is..." The thing was - I wanted what Angela had. Her one true love, a person who loved her for everything that she is, was and could ever be.

I got what she meant too, about James. James was wonderful, but it ended because it was 'nice' with all the quote marks. It wasn't passionate; you didn't get all invested and fight to keep it. I wanted Grease 2, Michael and Stephanie fighting to keep their love alive, against their friends, against all odds. I wanted to be someone's for all seasons - summer, spring, winter, fall, and I wanted to be birds of a feather, forever and ever. It made me think about whether Rosalie would want me, quirky and flighty me. Flashes of Rosalie in a silver jumpsuit singing in the clouds as I jumped on the back of her motorbike emerged in my deluded mind. (I blame it on the fog.)

"Ange... I want it all. I want the house with the white picket fence. I don't know about the two point five kids, but definitely the dog would be nice."

Jasper piped up, "Rose doesn't like dogs. Just so you know."

"Then we'll get cats."

"We? So you're serious about my sister?"

"No, I'm hoping to score a one-nighter. Yes, I'm thinking about getting serious with your sister. Maybe. It might not eventuate. One kiss does not equate marriage. Rome was not built in a day. We'd have to get to know one another first."

I felt his hand on my knee as he spoke softly, "You're a good person, Alice. Just remember to not break her heart cos I'd have to take you out. And I have this policy about hitting girls so I'd have to find the local mafia to take a hit out and I just don't have that kind of money."

We both smiled at his whimsical joke. I knew he was semi-serious though, and that he had just given me the okay to date his sister, should she want to date me.

My car was getting closer to Forks where the fog did not seem to be as thick and it allowed me to consider a little bit more about my future plans and Rosalie. It also allowed me to see a blonde on the side of the road, next to what I assumed was her car. And who do you think it was?

"It's Rose!" Jasper craned his neck back over his shoulder.

_Duh, Jasper, really? _

"Don't be sarcastic Alice."

Oops, I must have said that out loud. I glided to a stop.

"Hey Ange... we um, need to go." Peering in my rear vision mirror, I checked out the woman that haunted my recent dreams... "Rosalie Hale," I breathed. For the first time since James, my senses where singing, and it was because of Rosalie Hale. That was enough said really. I could see Rosalie walking toward my car. My thoughts were bordering on sinful as I watched her, 'Father, forgive me for I will be sinning tonight...'

Rolling down the window as Rosalie reached my passenger door, I noted her wariness. Good girl, best to be safe. I tried to ease her by being cordial, "Hey!" then Jasper had to ruin it by saying something completely moronic. Honestly! Men!

"Hey there, you working this straight?" He even winked at her. I rolled my eyes at his childish behaviour.

"Hey! Jasper?" She sounded surprised. I don't blame her. She probably expected him to be with Edward, back in Port Angeles. I watched as she tucked an errant hair behind her ear. She seemed nervous, apprehensive even.

"Hey sis!" Jasper's tone though convivial was a little strained. Even I could tell that.

Silently, I begged him, 'Don't mention what we did. Don't mention what we did. Don't mention what we did.' (Oh and then I freaked out because I wondered if the car smelled like sex.) Wrinkling my nose, I wound down all the windows, but still Rosalie made no effort to open the door.

I decided to approach her directly and front on. "So, um, car trouble?"

She leaned down, staring at her brother intently until finally shifted her gaze to look at me. "Yeah," she started slowly, "not something I can fix without a hoist and the right tools so... ah, would you mind giving me a lift back to Forks? I'm staying with the Cullens." Smiling sweetly at her brother, her tone snarky, she commented, "Cos Jasper's place doesn't have room for his sister." I had to laugh - it was kind of funny - but I almost missed her request, "Do you know them? The Cullens?"

Wondering if it would be impolite to kick Jasper out of his seat and then offer it to Rosalie (My God, what would Miss Manners say?) I took a deep breath and rushed out, "Yes, sure, no problem. Hop in."

Jasper interrupted, "Hang on. Why don't you girls head back to Forks and call out a towie to come and get the car... and me?"

"What?" we chorused at Jasper.

He smiled beatifically.

I shot daggers at him with my eyes. At least I hope that is what it looked like. 'Smug bastard. I can see what you're doing. You're trying that whole set up thing again. Just you wait until tomorrow.'

Apparently, the daggers weren't sharp enough for he just patted my hand and clambered out of the car. "You take Rose back to Forks. I'll wait here with the car."

He held the door open for Rosalie.

Quickly inhaling, I held my breath and let it out very, very slowly as those long legs folded themselves in, followed by her body.

I found myself chastising, well, me. Things such as 'Don't be insane. Just breath and act naturally,' and 'Breathing. Good thing to practice. Stops the passing out.'

Once he had shut the door, effectively trapping the both of us in the car, he leaned back through the still open window, "I'll see you later. Don't forget to tell someone I'm here. M'kay?"

When she was finally settled in my passenger seat (Rosalie Hale is in my passenger seat!) and we were set to go, I slowly eased off the shoulder of the road and pulled out, driving slowly.

The silence was crushing.

With every sidelong glance, I took in a bit of her: the rigidity of her body, the hardness of her profile, the frown that caused lines to appear on her forehead and the jaw that clenched and unclenched. She made me all kinds of nervous. My palms became sweaty, my mouth dry and I kept shooting her these sidelong glances - hidden of course. I do have to look in my rear vision mirror, right? (that's my story and I'm sticking to it.) I wondered what she was thinking, what she was feeling, whether she was thinking about me, and if so, what about me exactly? Did she like me? Want me? Getting the courage up to talk to me? Or was I an amoeba, or a flea or something equally small that I didn't register on the Rosalie radar? I tried to break the seemingly endless silence...

"So..." Nothing. "Yeah..."

Lame. I am so lame. Like a Llama. And a cheesecake. I wanted to break the ice, but I didn't know what to say. I mean, it was my fault that things ended on a disastrous note. Wasn't it? And it was me that ignored her today and ran without even a word of greeting. Rosalie must be smarting from what would be in her view an obvious disinterest, or disgust in her and her sexual preferences. Hence the stiffness in her demeanor. I caught her eye briefly and saw the flash of pain.

Inwardly I winced. Yes, I'm more Wily Coyote than the Roadrunner. Drop an anvil on my head a few times and I can put it together - eventually. The woman in my car was probably not going to be interested in holding any sort of sane conversation with the woman who rejected her, then proceeded to treat her without a modicum of respect.

Wanting to break the yawning silence, I blurted, "Hey, we kissed." Yep, I'm subtle. Like a sledgehammer. Better yet, I have keys - let me just drive the bulldozer away.

A snort of derision from her direction. "Subtlety isn't your strong point."

My fingers gripped the wheel a little more than required and I suspect my voice sounded tight as I ground out, "Hello, Miss Phoebe I'm-gonna-kiss-you-senseless Buffay? That's a bit rich coming from the woman who came onto me the other night with all guns blazing." Come on. Who was she trying to kid? It was her fault we kissed. She started it! I was quite happily practicing my heterosexuality without her tossing in something different.

With my eyes fixed on the road, I had no trouble hearing the amusement in her voice as she commented, "Senseless. Noted. I like that I have that effect on you."

My mouth dropped open. Yeah, no, she was not going to turn this around on me. "Excuse me, I didn't mean I was senseless. It wasn't that kind of kiss." I paused. "I mean, it was okay, but it wasn't... I mean we kissed, right? Nothing major."

Yes, I needed to make sure she knew it wasn't that big of a deal. I mean it wasn't, right? Try to ignore what Jasper and I had been discussing all the way here.

And yes, I think I am rambling.

"Of course. If that's what you want to say, sure." Her tone was so dismissive-ish.

"Well, excuse me, Miss la-di-da 'I'm having a garden party and none of you are invited' Hale. That kiss was not the be all and end all of my world. I wasn't waiting for you to reward me for being a good person or a bad person... in fact, far from it."

(Briefly, an image of the Kiss of Death came into my head. Rawr. Jack. Lizzie. Tongue. Rawr. The Kraken. Err... not so rawr. UG-LY with a lot of 'e'.)

All of a sudden, Rosalie's attitude irked me. I know that she was probably peeved, but did she have to be so incredibly insensitive? It _was _a big deal. To me. And from her reaction to when I stopped our... interaction, it was to her, too. How dare she imply it wasn't? Did she go around just kissing any random girl that went to dinner? I think not. I was growing increasingly incensed. Okay, so I was working myself up to it. What you going to do? Sue me?

Trying to wrench some coherency out of my thoughts before I blurted out anything completely insane, I tried for some rationality, with a small modicum of success... I think. "Look, Rosalie, I know we had a ... _moment_, but that's it. It's not like it was an overwhelming life commitment and we're going to buy a duplex together. It was a kiss. A plain old kiss. People do it all the time. I'm not going to deny it - it happened. _But _it was nothing more, nothing less. No need to make a big deal out of it." Offhandedly, I tossed out, "Well, unless of course, you thought it was. Otherwise, why are you making such a big deal out of being so insensitive about it?"

Did I just do that? Show a small window of opportunity for her to ridicule me? Oh God, I did. I just let her know that I might have been considering it was more than a simple kiss. I stared straight ahead. Focus on the road, Alice. It's what good drivers do. Focus. Ignore the gnawing silence from the seat next to you. Damn it. Why can't this be a Bond car? It would have an ejector button I could press so she could not be in my car anymore.

And why the hell won't she speak? Huh? Huh?

When she spoke, her voice was low as she admitted, "I - uh, it was kind of good, I thought."

There came a clash, and a bang followed by a string of curse words and a 'Hey honey, you okay?' from my blue tooth speaker.

"Angela?" Fuck, I had forgotten to hang up the phone. Obviously, a certain Mrs Angela soon-to-be-deceased-if-I-can-get-my-hands-on-her-Cheney, hadn't hung up either.

Her voice came from the speaker, "Um, Alice? Yeah hi! Leave it, Ben! Yeah still here. Sorry. Fudgsicles! Dammit, Ben, will you just leave it? I'll do it! Um, I'm sorry. I'll hang up now." I swear I could hear her blushing from here. But then she cleared her throat and it was me who blushed as she blurted, "But just F.Y.I.? Rosalie, right? Alice really likes you. Don't screw this up. Oh hush, Ben! She needs this. Rosalie? She, Alice that is, is a great girl. Oh! And just you know. I'm married. No designs on her whatsoever. Okay? Bye! Have fun! I mean have fun, but not that kind of fun, but have a good one, I mean time. Shoot. Going now!" And the phone clicked off.

I sat there, stunned. Gorgeous girl in the car next to me. My friend just declaring on my behalf - some kind of undying love for said Goddess. Bloody bleeding fuck as Spike would say. (Or would he? Do vampires swear?) I literally wanted to bash my head against the steering wheel that my whitened knuckles were clutching tightly to.

"Pull over Alice." Still in shock, I did so and then just sat there, not wanting to look at Rosalie.

Perfectly manicured hands brushed my knuckles, pulling them firmly, but gently from the steering wheel. A slim finger under my stubborn chin forced my gaze up to hers. My heart hammered in my chest as her eyes bored into mine and after what seemed an interminable time, she leaned forward and brushed her lips across mine. My eyes fluttered closed as I inhaled her beautiful scent once again. They opened when I felt her pull back slightly, meeting her assessing look.

Rosalie broke the silence between us, "So, we should talk?"

We should talk. The words reverberated in my suddenly empty mind. We should talk. I could see her mouth moving, but I was suddenly incapable of comprehending what she was saying. My eyes were drawn to her lips, those sweet enticing lips and before I knew it, I captured her face between my hands and kissed her into silence.

My tongue swept over her lips, feeling them part beneath mine, and it was like my tongue had a life of its own as it slid in to conquer hers. I moaned at her taste. It was so familiar yet not. And it felt like I had literally come home. I became more earnest in my exploration and her arms rose to wrap around me and we tasted, touched, explored as the fog rolled on in around us.

Personally - talking? Overrated.

~tj~

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Quotes:  
Ch 8  
Did you ever meet such a proud, disagreeable man? ~Mrs Bennet, Pride and Prejudice  
"The very rich can afford to give offense wherever they go. We need not care for his good opinion." ~ Elizabeth Bennet, Pride and Prejudice


	9. Crazy Cat Lady

Hale No, Hale Yes

Disclaimer: Twilight not mine. This story is. For longer disclaimer, see Chapter One.

AN: My special thanks to: **kBlackNightingale**, who is undoubtedly my go-to person for all my words. Thank you for pointing out that there are only so many made-up words that you will let slide... in other words, um none!

**vampireisthenewblack **and **rhenea5018 - **You guys are awesome with your pre-reading and advice. Huggles to you. And thank you for prodding and pushing for me to update. You guys rock my world with all your wonderful, inspiring words.

And once again **readers**: I am blown away by the reviews. Thank you for letting me know how much you like this story and for those who have shared some personal experiences, I thank you so much!

I am so very sorry for the delay in posting. Real life was not helpful in productivity and then I got sick. Eugh. Cough, splutter, ugh kind of sick. I loathe winter with a passion (hear that, winter? Don't tell me you didn't get my memo this time!) Anyway, my dear and faithful readers, I hope you enjoy this chapter.

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**Chapter 9  
**

William Shakespeare once said that action is eloquence. I guess I was hoping that my actions would put my feelings out there more eloquently than any words that might have left my often stupid mouth. However, from the way that Rosalie pulled away from me, I'm guessing that it wasn't quite eloquent _enough_.

"I'm sorry. I'm guessing that wasn't exactly what you meant by we should talk, huh?" My eyes searched her face and to say I was surprised by the seething anger I saw there, was an understatement. Her face was pale, a tight look of consternation and bubbling rage marred its graceful surface, and instantly I knew I had made a mistake following my instinct.

"So, I'm guessing that you're mad?" I quipped lightly before easing back onto my side of the car.

"I said we needed to talk," came her response with its thinly veiled anger held barely in check. Woah, girl, where's the anger from? You're the one who was all touchy-feely with me, all thumbing my skin and all that jazz. Don't come off all sweetly innocent and outrageous anger here. I'll bite your knees... oooh I could bite her knees. I bet they have dimples...

I sat back against my seat, leaning my head against the head rest. So easily distracted and tangent-y is me. Yes, indeedy.

My brain kept saying, 'Dumb, Alice. So, so, so dumb. Rebound instincts after that fuck up earlier tonight? Perhaps. Better go back home before you do anything else more... stupid.' I had to agree.

"Talking is... good," I said finally, but I felt, well, numb. My voice was definitely flat as I monotoned to Rosalie, "I'll take you home and we can talk later. Now's obviously not a good time."

With a decisive turn of my hand, I turned on the ignition and eased back onto the road. I heard, rather than saw, her hand slam on my pretty dashboard.

"We'll talk now, dammit!"

Oh hell no! She did not just do that. My own anger rose and the turmoil of the evening's events caught up with me. Angrily, I turned to her. "No, we won't!" I said emphatically. "My car, my rules. I said no. I mean no! And please to not be hurting the pretty car. It's _my _car, and unless you fancy thumbing a ride on this dark, deserted highway, we are going back to Forks where I will drop you home and we will make a time to talk. Now is _so _not it. So, be a good girl and stay in your seat." To emphasize my point home, I floored it so she was forced back with the motion of the car.

"Bitch..." came the mutter from my passenger seat.

"So mature, Rosalie," I snarked. "Can you add a little pout, and a stamp of your Louboutin boots as well? Oh wait, you're waiting until we get to the Cullen's so you can slam my door, leave me with some witty little remark designed to set me seething as you flounce off? How very high school of you." I could feel myself shaking with misplaced anger, and my tone was definitely sarcastic, but I couldn't seem to turn it off.

Something inside softened a little as I heard her sniff, "I thought you were different."

But yeah, the bitch side of me was not finished.

Without batting an eyelid, I replied, "Yeah, well I thought you were too. Turns out you _are _different. One - you don't kiss like your brother..." _Fuck_. Heartbeat pause before I stuck my foot all the way in - "and you don't have the same equipment. At least with Jasper, I can say I'm saving the planet by riding a cowboy."

(Yeah, even I winced at that little piece of stupidity. Fuck. Fuck. Fuckity fuck.)

The iciness that filled the interior was well below freezing as she bit out, "Wow, we should get together and do this more often. Your friend was wrong. You don't care about me."

My fingers gripped the steering wheel tightly. I deserved that. Her eyes bore daggers into me, I could feel them even though my own eyes were focused on the road. It seemed an eternity before she turned away from me in complete and stony silence. I was stuck in icy-hell-just-froze-over-but-eternal-damnation-will-still-be-yours-forever kind of hell until we arrived at the Cullen's.

Once we got there, it didn't take much to notice that she was still in a mood as she flung her seatbelt off and stepped out of the vehicle. But then again, it didn't really matter because no sooner had Rosalie gotten out before I was gunning it and driving away, leaving her screaming after me as she stumbled from the surprise.

I resisted looking in my rear vision mirror... for about 0.5 seconds. Taking in Rosalie's huff of annoyance then the bitter glance she threw after my car... I slammed it into third gear, put my foot down and drove...

_Dammit. Fucking blonds. First Jasper, now Rosalie. Gentlemen (and ladies), I wash my hands of this weirdness. _

Sleep was somewhat elusive that night and when morning peeked gingerly through my curtained windows, I was in a blue funk, searching for coffee. Make-up was a special friend today - to hide the dark circles beneath my somewhat sullen looking eyes.

What was up with the universe? I ask for a sign - any sign - that I am still worthy and what do you give me? Two freaking blonds who have no clue as to what or whom they want. One is running away from their true nature and the other is some freaked out woman who is running from her life and her stalker. Both of them running - to me. Well, I'm not some oompa loompah who takes orders from crazy lunatics.

Irritated, I threw my eye pencil at my reflection before stomping down to the kitchen. Ugh.

"So, how come you made it back really late last night? Did something happen? I was _so _ready to send out the search dogs before your text." Bella was already there, leaning against the kitchen counter, and she sipped her morning coffee, waiting for my answer.

I couldn't help but grimace over the lip of my coffee cup as I sat down at the dining table, folding my leg beneath me. My look must have been a slight deviation on a wicked grin instead of a grimace because it caused Bella to arch a brow at me questioningly, and with decisive movements, she launched herself off the counter and into the chair opposite. I could feel her hard assessing stare.

"Alice, that look does not look ..." Her eyes narrowed and then widened almost comically as she stated, "Oh my God, you got some!"

Her exclamation was particularly loud and served as a warning to poor Charlie who walked through the door. Oh gee thanks, Bella. I really want Charlie to know I had sex.

"Sounds like you girls have some gossip to share," he observed as he grabbed a mug out of the cupboard. After pouring himself a cup, he glanced over at us and gave us both a hard stare. "One I'd best not be at so let me grab my coffee real quick and I'll be out of your hair. Bells, I'm off to see Harry. I'll be back about dinner time. You'll be fine, right?"

Bella dropped her head into her arms melodramatically at his question. He always did this whenever he was around - telling Bella where he was going, who with, and checking that she was going to be okay without him. I hid a smile in my coffee cup. Charlie - ever the overprotective father.

"Yes, Dad," came her muffled tones from the kitchen table, "I'm not a teenager anymore. I am allowed to be home without my 'pa' to take care of me, you know."

"Good to know." He gulped down his coffee before turning to me and he gave me one of his infamous stern Charlie looks. _Oh dear God, Charlie. Don't do it. _He took another sip of his coffee and frowned at me. "Alice, one word. Safety."

"Safety. Right." _Please stop right there._

"Practice it. I mean it."

Relieved that it wasn't more, I breathed a sigh of relief, but then I couldn't help myself. Tongue-in-cheek, I looked at him slyly as I asked in a breathlessly innocent wide-eyed way, "Why, Charlie, are you saying I should _practice _having _more _safe sex?"

He harrumphed once before exiting the room without another word. I grinned into my cup. So worth it.

"That was mean, Alice."

"Yeah."

"You've been itching to rile him up, haven't you?"

"Yeah."

Charlie poked his head back through the door, looking for his keys. Distractedly, he asked, "Meant to say before, how was the date on the weekend?"

I paused for a moment before replying, "Oh, you know. It was different... Um, how was your holiday and that so-called date you travelled all the way down for?"

"Oh you know... Food was lousy, but the sex was great," Charlie quipped, before making an "mmm" sound as he found his keys.

Bella and I shared a horrified glance. (Ew, Charlie. Grown-ups don't have sex. Ever. Ew.) Charlie just snickered as he left, shaking his head, and murmuring something about "Enjoy that talk..."

Ruefully, I smiled after him. He got me good. "It _is_ nice to have him back," I said to Bella.

She snickered. "Yeah, Forks isn't the same without Charlie here. Glad he's back. I might have actually missed him, just a little. Grizzly Adams and all that. Although I could have done without the mental image of my father having sex."

"Yeah, that I could have done without."

"Yeah, but it's good that he's got his sense of humour back. He was pretty much a grump without it. All dark and twisty."

"You missed him."

"Funnily enough, yeah. I mean it was always like I couldn't miss him before, you know? Renee was never very good at hiding her dismay when I said I missed Charlie. Often it was like I had to hide it in order to not hurt her for taking me away from him."

"And now it's okay to admit it?"

"Yes, because he's here and he's alive. I'll never forgive myself for resenting their decisions. I had opportunities galore to see him and I turned them down."

"Making up for lost time?"

"Making up for time lost. There's a difference, Alice."

Yes, I got what she meant. There is a difference between feeling like you've been abandoned and feeling like you did the abandoning. I myself, would never get back the time I didn't spend with my folks before they died. It was my fault. I just did not want to spend the time with them, and now they were gone, I felt like I wanted all those times I said I was busy studying or going to the movies, skating, or whatever back and instead, to have spent that time with them. But c'est la vie.

I contemplated what her innocent-seeming comment really meant. It was so hard for Bella to admit that she missed her family. I got that. She was such an independent soul, being the child of a split family and this moment was actually pretty huge on the Bella scale. I mean, torn between each parent, she had always tried hard to not look like she favoured one over the other, but sometimes, a girl just needs her Daddy.

Only in her latter teens had she come to live with him, and then off she went to college. It didn't give her a lot of time with him. That's why Charlie's heart attack had prompted her to move back to spend time with a father that she'd been strangers with for the majority of her life and it pained her that she didn't really get to know him as she was growing up. Not that she'd admit it, obviously. That would be too much for the scientific nerd brain that was Bella Swan. She preferred being noted for being cool, collected and well, let's just say the boys were usually left a bit cold at her abruptness. So for Bella Swan to admit she missed her father was monumental. Something akin to Mount Rushmore should be erected, it was _that _big.

I guess that's why I felt like I should come here too, to not force her to make a choice between me and Charlie. And maybe part of that was me not wanting to give her a choice because I was fearful that I might be the one that lost out. Yes, I have abandonment issues.

"So, now that he's gone are you going to let me in on what caused the cat to smile this morning?" Bella's comment drew me back to my own real time concerns with a small crash and a frown upon my face.

"A canary. What else?" Little did she know that it wasn't exactly a smile earlier.

"Would the canary be called Rosalie?"

"Perhaps."

She eyed me carefully. I could almost see the wheels turning in her head.

"The canary didn't sing."

"Let's just say the song it sang was a little screechy and repetitive. Less cat/canary and more cat/dog."

"Rut-roh, Shaggy. Do we need to get some Scooby snacks and veg to talk it out?"

"Sorry, Scoob, but Velma here has to get to work and face the big bad wolf who, if all clichés work as they have been so far, will be waiting for me to get there so he can have a go at me for wrecking his sister's heart, or some tripe." I guzzled the rest of my coffee and stood up. "See you later."

"Alice..."

I swung back to gaze steadily at her.

"Let me know when you're ready to talk."

My lips turned up into a rueful curve. "Oh, you'll hear about it soon enough. If Jasper's as much of a Queen as I saw yesterday, he'll scream about it all over Forks anyway. Oh yeah, Bella... newsflash: Edward's never going to be your boyfriend unless you grow a pair." At her confused look, I explained, "He's a little... gay, hon. There's no way you're tappin' that unless your name is Jasper Hale and last time I checked, Daddy Hale didn't have a daughter named Bella."

"Closeted gay boy?"

"Probably a walk-in one if his clothes are anything to go by."

Guess I'd be considered a bitch for throwing it out there like that, considering our last conversation consisted of Bella telling me that she thought Eddie boy had come back solely for her, but she's a big girl, right? Right?

Tilting her head to one side, she smiled, a small, fleeting sad smile. "Pity. Don't suppose he's bi and could do me on the side?"

"Like I said, unless you're Jasper... but, you just can't do blond, Bella."

Her lips curved, "Yeah, well last I looked, _you _'do' blonds. Both kinds."

Hefting my bag onto my shoulder, I grabbed the pile of papers I left on the table. "Yeah well, the last blonde I had objected to my tongue in her mouth last night. And before you say she'll get over it, I led the way to hell with _"You don't kiss like your brother and you don't have a peen."_ So yeah, fucked if I'm going to get any, any time soon. The males just stick their cocks in you and scream some guy's name as they pound the fuck out of you, and the girl ones, well they just scream at you. And not in the throes of passion either."

At her little moue of "O" and understanding dawning in her eyes, I made my way out. I could feel her eyes staring sympathetically after me as I grabbed my keys. Angrily, I swiped at the tears that fell as I walked out the door. She came after me.

"Alice!" Bella called from the front door. I turned back. "Don't worry, I'm sure it'll be all right. Forget blonds. They're trouble anyway." I heard her underwritten message: I'm here for you when you need me. I smiled my thanks and tried to throw some levity on the mood. After all, can't be a bitch forever, can you?

"They sure are!" I called back in jest. "So yeah... I'll forget Rosalie - who's Rosalie anyway? I'll just find a brunette girl and screw her instead. Forget the blonde bitch." I laughed.

But as I got to my car, I looked across the road... There are times when life takes a fist and hits you in the stomach, or a hammer to your thumb. Either way, it hurts so much until you can't breathe or you want to cut off your thumb with a rusty saw and to hell with the gangrene. That's what I felt like as I stood rooted to the spot while Rosalie watched me from her car. Her mouth settled in a firm line before she started her car and I watched with a sinking feeling as she drove away. Where the hell is that rusty saw?

My keys dropped out of my hand as I watched her car disappear.

Oh my God!

(Cancel that. I'm going to become an atheist. Gods like to see an atheist around. Gives them something to aim at.)

Oh my fuck!

"Alice? Alice? Are you okay?"

I turned, horrified, to Bella who was running out to me. "I didn't mean to say that. I didn't mean it! She thinks I meant it! Now we'll never have the talk, and I'll never have the relationship that she and I were meant to have and it's all going to be broken and I'm going to be a single old woman living with cats and people will point and say that's the Crazy Cat Lady! I'm going to die alone!"

"No, you'll have all those cats," Bella stated matter-of-factly as she steered me back to the house and sat me down on the steps. "Breathe, Alice."

"How can you be so calm?"

"Um, because I'm not the crazed midget sitting on my front step, hyperventilating about how she's going to die alone with cats?"

"Oh, right."

"Alice, it'll all be all right."

"How can you say that? It's not. It's all screwed up! I mean, the whole 'thing with Jasper', and the 'sex in the car' then the 'kissing Rosalie' then the 'running off to find a brunette', I mean it's just so screwed up!"

"Yeah, I meant to ask hon, what's with the whole Jasper thing? You said Edward's gay? With Jasper?"

Wincing a little at the recollection of how I broke that to her, I was very apologetic when I said, "Oh yeah, honey, I'm so sorry. Jasper's in love with Edward though he's not exactly admitting it. There's a whole Dynasty-Dallas thing there and maybe, hopefully they'll meet up in like a Falcon Crest or General Hospital kind of way. But at this point, they are both a little 'De-Nial is not just a river in Egypt' kind of thing. I'm so sorry for the way I broke it to you."

"Yeah. In a way, I'm glad you broke it that way. I wasn't sure how I felt about Edward coming back to Forks for me. I mean it was just a little too much responsibility and I would feel all beholden to him instead of letting the natural feelings flow. I know I had a crush on him for years, but I've sort of met someone..."

"Bella Swan!"

"Alice Brandon!" she mimicked. "It's a guy, but we'll go into that tonight. You need to go to work. Stop looking at me like that! I haven't met a girl and kissed her, unlike you."

I laughed weakly. "Yeah. There is that." Taking a deep breath, I gathered my cloak of courage (yeah it's like a cape) and stood up. "I need to go to work and then I'll deal with this later. I need to process."

"Good plan, Batman. Go do that thing you do. Knock 'em dead, roll 'em around..." I rolled my eyes as she did this weird cheerleader dance thing. "Come on team, let's work! Work!"

(Yeah, Bella, I don't think so.) I gave her a look that hopefully explained in volumes just how weird I thought she looked right now. "Um, I'll go if you stop doing that."

~tj~

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Quotes:  
Ch 9  
Action is eloquence ~ William Shakespeare  
Gentlemen, I wash my hands of this weirdness ~ Captain Jack Sparrow, At World's End  
Conversation was lousy, but the sex was great ~ Veronica Mars  
All dark and twisty - (not a direct quote but still reference to Grey's Anatomy, Christina.)  
Gods like to see an atheist around. Gives them something to aim at ~ Small Gods, Terry Pratchett  
Knock 'em dead, roll 'em around, come on team, let's work! Work! ~ Toros Cheer, Bring It On  
"Um, I'll go if you stop doing that." ~ Bella, movie Twilight

~tj~

If I missed any quote references, please feel free to let me know. I hope you enjoyed it even though it was a bit late. TJ


	10. Favorite Trio of lunatics

Hale No, Hale Yes

Disclaimer: Twilight not mine. This story is. For longer disclaimer, see Chapter One.

AN: Thank you to **everyone **for waiting patiently for this update. I am so sorry it took so long. On the upside - I have another chapter or two waiting in the wings, almost ready for posting so not too long to wait. Thank you for being patient. Also sorry for my slackness in replying to reviews. I will try to get to them over the next few days. Again, my special thanks to my betas and pre-readers **kBlackNightingale**, **vampireisthenewblack **and **rhenea5018 **

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**Chapter 10**

Music blared while I danced around the kitchen, licking a spoon full of cookie dough as Bella finished putting unbaked cookies into the oven. She had decided that today she was baking. Today? When there was a planned girlie evening? Le sigh. Who for, you might ask. Something about a group of boys down at La Push. I suspect there might be a somewhat altruistic motive there. No group of boys. One. Singular. A boy. Way to a man's heart is through his stomach or rather the way to his dick is to haul your cookies all the way down the beach in a skimpy pair of cutoffs. And Bella had really cute cutoffs - I know, coz I made them for her. So cutoffs plus cookies plus boy equals Paul. Fuck. Quick fuck. You fill in the rest of the details. I won't spell them out for you.

_'It's been one week since you looked at me, cocked your head to the side and said you're angry...'_

Sniggering at my thoughts, I continued to flit around the kitchen to the Barenaked Ladies. _What? It's a catchy song. Although... it might have had more to do with the pitcher full of Sangria that I consumed while she was mixing up whatever it is you put into cookies. Mmm... cookies. C is for cookie... Nom nom nom. Wait. Can't sing that while Barenaked Ladies is on. Talking of which..._

Airily, I waved the now half-covered wooden spoon of fresh cookie dough, splattering a bit at Angela. _Oops_. Oh well. She sat at our small dining table nursing her own drink and the remainder of the pitcher of Sangria. The gloop landed in her hair, but luckily for me she didn't notice. "This song is amazingly apropos don't you think?" I asked of no-one in particular. _The lyrics in this song really speak to me. No, truly they did_. Poking my tongue at Angela as she grinned at me, I elucidated for the benefit of those not in my head, "I mean it's been a week since my dismal failure of a date, although I did have a hell of a kiss at the end of the night..."

Angela smirked at me, her eyes a bit glazed over. "And because you have a history of taking off your shirt?"

Bella joined in and taunted from behind me, "And I think it's been three days since the living room when you did realize it was all your fault."

I dropped my head to my chest. Oh Lord, yes. That night was bad. There are things that should never mix for fear that those closest to you will murder you just to end your misery. Things like: Sleepless in Seattle; copious bottles of wine; morbidly depressive feelings; and three days of being ignored by the woman that you suspect might actually be worth the time investment. Don't go there. Ever. You might come dangerously close to being buried alive by housemates. I think Bella was very close to pitching me head first out the window and then hiding me in the nearby woods. Instead, she drank too much to be able to move herself off the couch, let alone the defenestration of little old me. Ah, good times.

My head came up with a rush as Bella spoke again and I was momentarily woozy as the alcohol sloshed in my brain. _Woah. Where's that chair? Ever wonder how chairs move from your memory of their placement to just beside you? It's disconcerting and discourteous of them. Really._

"But yesterday was good right? I mean she smiled at you?" Bella threw over her shoulder at me as she placed another tray into the oven. Seriously, ten trays of cookies? Who are we feeding? A tribe? A pack of wolves? Angela guffawed as I stumbled towards the ever moving table. _Ever notice how tables - and other things - tend to move when you start to get inebriated? Oh and how you tend to repeat yourself?_

"Oh yeah, you should have seen Alice's face," Angela laughed again just at the memory. _Bitch_. "She slammed into a book case face first and didn't even notice. So blissed out."

I stopped in my tracks as I contemplated that little quirk that had graced her beautiful lips (Rosalie - in case that wasn't clear) and that little tiny ray of hope that had flooded my being.

"Yeah," I sighed happily. "Yeeeah."

The sounds of raucous cackling from the two girls pulled me from my reverie.

I glared at them as they laughed outrageously and Angela even had to gall to point at me while she snickered, "Pretty girl smiles at you and you lose your ability to walk in a straight line."

"Shut up!"

They just continued laughing at me. I was almost tempted to stamp my foot, but really who does that in real life? Bah. Friends, huh? I contemplated throwing the wooden spoon at them, but it still had yummy cookie dough on it. Best not to waste that. With friends like these two who needs enemies? Instead, I wrinkled my nose at both of them, and turned my thoughts inwards reflectively as I thought about Rosalie.

Having reached my destination (the chair), I zoned out the conversation between Angela and Bella, concentrating my thoughts on, well, me.

Wasn't it Confucius who said "Study the past if you would define the future"? Well I have been doing that. Studying my past, and studying the past week to see if I even have a _chance _of a future with Rosalie. Why? Because I think I decided somewhere in all of that, that I would like to have a _chance _of _having _a future? Obviously, it _does_ depend somewhat on how she feels, but maybe if she will let me talk to her, I might be able to apologize for my total and complete stupidity.

"Hey," Bella broke in, "how's it been with Jasper this week?"

"Um..."

Good question, 99. We hadn't exactly discussed the stuff that went down in the car beyond the discussion we'd had at the time. (Angela and I had, however, talked about it - ad nauseum.) As far as Jasper and I... we'd managed to maintain a modicum of decorum whilst in the business environment, smiling or nodding politely as we passed through the hallways or in the teacher's lounge. Well, decorum so far as we didn't outright speak of said lewd behavior in the car on that night. It didn't stop the occasional glances at his ass as he strode past or was getting a drink from the water cooler. And it most certainly didn't stop him from admiring me in my flippy skirt as I sashayed down the halls.

_Yes, of course that was intentional. I think subconsciously I am still holding on to that het side of me and that bit wanted him to know what he was missing. Yeah, I know. In his head - not much really. Cow, milk and all that. Oh, and the gay factor. Little Miss Alice is not the subject of his dreams when there is hot Doc McEddie._

There has been very little _actual _communication between us. Obviously, he and Rosalie share a bond that is stronger than a one-night stand in the front passenger seat of my car.

I answered her, "Not so much conversing as avoiding. He sees me. He waves. He then disappears rapidly down the rabbit hole."

"So much for the whole share heart-to-heart moments, huh?" Bella wasn't good with how Jasper had been all this week toward me. She thought that he should at least try to hear what I had to say before backing up Rosalie.

Bella had been most intrigued when I had told her I hashed things out with Jasper, wanting to know exactly when it was that I had caught up with him since she had left me alone for only a few hours (really? I thought it was longer. It seemed longer. But then again, nightmares often tend to seem that way.)

Now, more than before, I listened closer to the rumor mill and found that Rosalie had been spotted in town, and heard talk of invitations from desperate mommas wanting to set her up with their illustrious bachelor boys.

You know, it's funny. People knew of her gender preference yet it seemed that there were many women, change that, mothers who thought it was a fleeting thing. I heard "a phase is all" being bandied around. Makes you want to roll your eyes. _Um, hello, girlfriends in the plural sense? That indicated pretty much that your son, no matter how prosperous he is, will not make the grade. He's missing some vital equipment. Or rather, he has too much equipment. _Yes, that did not seem to make any difference whatsoever to some of these ruthless mommas.

As Charlie often says, 'good luck with that'. If wishes were fishes and all.

Talking of wishes: you know, some people say that if you wish upon a falling star, you might be able to get that elusive wish. Others say that if you wish upon the first star you see at night, it will bring you your wish. Me - I don't know if I believe in those things per se, but I do know that there is something, somewhere that gives me luck and makes me land on my feet. I'm hoping that whatever that something is, it will get me out of this stupid hole that I have dug myself into. Something that will make Rosalie talk to me. Although that cute little smile yesterday did give me hope... just a smidgen.

My introspection was brought sharply to a close when Bella brusquely brushed remnants of flour from her hands and clapped them together. "Right. While these cook, we need to find that alcohol. I have the ice, vodka and cranberry. What were we missing Alice?"

_Um, al-co-mo-hol? Wait. What did I tell Angela to bring?_ "Triple sec."

Angela jumped up. "Oh wait, I left that in the hall. Alice told me to bring some with me." She returned shortly with a full bottle. _Nice_. We were _so _going to get wasted tonight. I think Bella thought the same thing too as she too nodded approvingly.

"Good job! Right, so ice, vodka, triple sec and cranberry... sweet."

Angela slumped back into her chair elegantly, "Sweet yes. My vagina's depressed. I need alcohol."

Pointedly I stated, "Angela, you're like the 300 Gansevoort Street compared to our 245 East 73rd St." _Meaning, she got sex and we didn't._

Grimacing she made a face, "Samantha, I'm not. Like Zsa Zsa said, I know nothing about sex because I was always married!" As Bella and I chortled at her words, Angela added, "And just because I have Ben does not mean that the sex is readily available. Sometimes it's all 'No more yankie my wankie. The Donger need food.' That's when the whole sparkly vibrating peen is my good, good friend."

Bella groaned and wrinkled her nose.. "Oh, not you too. I hear Alice's down the hall frequently lately."

"Hey!"

"What? You telling me it's not true? This is an old house, Alice. The walls are very thin." Well, can I help it if I needed a little help sleeping nowadays? Yeah it was a little too justification slash defensive to my ears too. Bella's voice was very cynical as she threw ice into the shaker and stated, "Why do you think you sleep in the room between mine and Charlie's? So I know that Daddy Swan has no clue that his daughter has an electronic friend. But your behaviour recently? I'm pretty sure he knows you have a very intimate and constant relationship with yours."

_Um, yeah. That's true. Not my fault my dreams are about a certain blonde. _Bella gave me a piercing look that I wavered under and my eyes skittishly moved away from her knowing ones. Huh? Charlie? Wait. My thoughts skidded to a halt. Oh. So that's why I sleep in the room between them? I hadn't thought about that.

Quizzically I looked back at Bella. "Is that why you opt for the backseat with your dates?"

_No, seriously, I want to know._

Bells sniffed, "Hey! Backseat is so last year that it's two years ago, thanks very much. It's front seat all the way, baby."

Angela broke in, "Coz everyone knows that the driver's wheel makes for a more stable hand hold when riding the boy."

Bella laughed, "And they use your hips for reins..."

These girls were _so _bad! I sighed, "You two are terribly debaucherous and yet the town thinks it's me that corrupts you! I'm such an innocent in comparison. You guys are the devils in disguise."

They chorused, "Oh yes, we are. Devils in disguise..."

I rolled my eyes. Elvis would be turning in his grave. Honestly. They were such a pair. But I was very grateful for the both of them. They were my gal pals, my port in a storm, my shelter. Nuts. A couple of nuts (and I'm not talking about the ones that hang behind a guy's peen either.) As I watched them cavorting and singing off key, they honestly brought a little tear to the surface.

Slightly misty-eyed, I hiccuped, "You guys make me think that life sucks less, you know?"

"Lemons. You were given lemons to suck. Get it? To suck?" Angela made a blowing motion with her hand and face and then cracked up on her seat. Alone. Methinks Angela was shitfaced already. But yeah, I have to agree. Most of my relationship dramas came about because life decided to give me lemons to suck on. And man, they were often sour.

Bella mused, "Well Grandma Higginbotham always used to say, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade."

I think Angela was almost serious when she asked, "What happens when life gives you Lesbianism? What would she say to that?"

Good question. I too, would have liked to have heard what Grandma Higginbotham would have had to say to that, but we were interrupted.

"Well, if it isn't my favourite trio of ... lunatics," came a dry voice from the doorway.

The chorus of "Jacob!" must have hurt his ears for he winced as he took in the scene before him.

(Personally, I don't think there was anything wrong with the scene. I mean - don't all girl parties involve cookie dough, pitchers of drinks, martini glasses and owlish blinking drunken girls clothed in only boy shorts and singlets? Come on. We're taking the piss out of girlie parties. We're rocking the girlie parties. We have even stashed feather-filled pillows in the living room for a pillow fight once the Grey Goose is three quarters down.)

"Woah, ladies! Have some respect for my ears would you?"

I peered up at him. "You're so tall." I turned to look at Angela who was doing her utmost to stay upright in her seat. "Did you know he was so tall? How'd you get so tall?"

"Cowpats. Stand in them to keep your feet warm."

I gaped at him. "Seriously?"

"No. But it's almost as bad as when Bella asked me, 'When did I get so buff?' This is pure man beef right here ladies. Natural."

Bella pushed past me and made a raspberry sound. "Whatever, Jake. Why are you here anyway? Charlie's out. Looking to join the girls for the night? Paint and polish up your alley? The boys too busy or are they doing manly things?"

"Bella... I was wondering if I could have a word?"

"Gregarious. There's a word. All yours, babe."

"Outside?"

"Right here is good, Jake."

The guy looked a tad uncomfortable, but there was an underlying earnestness about him too. I wondered what he was about. My head was getting a little fuzzy as Angela and I tried to nonchalantly listen into their conversation.

Jake drew his head close to Bella's and we could hear him as he hissed, "Lesbianism, Bella? And a girlie party? Do you think this is wise?"

And here I thought that lesbianism came from girlie parties and that you could pass it on. Obviously Jacob thought so too. Wait... did he think Bella was... _oh_. This would be very interesting.

"Seriously," he continued to talk low, "Charlie would understand if you just came right out about it. Don't hide it under a bushel."

"I'm not. It's Alice."

Jacob's brows drew together, like he was trying for a long mono-brow. "Alice? As in your best friend Alice? You and Alice?" His face cleared and he rubbed the back of his neck, his cheeks pinking up with a touch of embarrassment. "Aw, Bells, if you are confused then maybe I can help..."

She tilted her head at the tall, toothpaste-ad boy and smiled cynically, "Aw, take one for the team and set me straight?"

"Well yeah. You know maybe the right man hasn't come along and showed you what you're really going to be missing." He leaned over her, his palm on the door frame. "I'm willing to help in any way I can."

Um, sleazy much Jacob? I think Bella thought so too when she smiled up at him and replied, "I think I'm good."

Leaning in closer to our dear, dear Bella, Jacob purred, "You know, Bells, there's an old Indian legend that says man and woman were once united - four arms, four legs, two backs. And one day the great spirit grew angry at this creature and took his tomahawk and cut them apart. And ever since that day men and women have tried to get back together again. Don't you think we should follow our destiny?"

I think I threw up a little as his hand started to play with a strand of hair by her cheek. _Ew_. Okay the ick factor has gone way beyond anything I wanted to witness.

I was about to step in and rescue her from this Neanderthal when a voice came from behind them, the underlying note full of derision and scorn, but the surface was politely forced cheeriness that only Emmett could do, "Aw, are you trying to pick up my girlfriend? How cute is that? Like a really big puppy."

"Can it, Emmett." Jacob was almost growling. _Maybe a dog really is the best way to describe him_. Bared teeth and low rumble in his chest - possibly would have been all hot and that if it hadn't been, well, him. He was one of those really buff gym kind of guys. So not my thing.

"Gotta do better than that," advised Emmett as he threw a grin at Bella and a cocky, very saucy wink. Oh dear Lord. Emmett? Girlfriend? I saw Bella grin as she went over to the big lug. _When did she and Emmett get together? And how freaking weird is that? _Staring as they did this nose nuzzling thing and a bit of groping (ew), they finally stopped (thankfully before I threw up) and they moved over to the table. Emmett sat on a chair and Bella snuggled into his lap. _Snuggled_. Like a cat. What the eff was going on with the fucking universe? Emmett and Bella? He directed his comments to me after greeting Angela while I stared with my gob open. (Attractive, I'm sure.)

"Hey Ally-bear. I heard things aren't going so well for you. You know what they say - best way to get over a man is to get under a new one. Though I wouldn't have picked you for choosing a brother-sister team. High five for a bitchin' choice!"

I don't _entirely _recall holding up my hand nor Emmett's large palm meeting mine, but I do recall the moment when the hairs on the back of my neck rose and I could hear several indistinct voices from the front door. As my palm stung - the only reference I have to recall we even did a high five - someone walked through the door and my head was spinning.

Like a bad slow motion moment in film, Edward walked into the room, followed by... Jasper. I suspect that I may have said something, though what exactly is not clear in my memory banks. My heart started to thump loudly and I could hear blood rushing through my ears. All of a sudden, I felt all hot and my eyes felt distinctly like they were burning. Sick? Am I sick? I felt like I had an elevated temperature, but I couldn't be sure. All I know is that one minute it was all smiles, then the next... "I may look calm, but in my head, I've killed you three times," I greeted Edward. Then I passed out. I think. I'm pretty sure it was the floor beneath my cheek.

"Alice! Can you hear me? Edward! Do something! I swear - that medical degree better not be just a decoration!"

_Huh? Could have sworn that's Rosalie's voice. I must really be delusional._

* * *

Quotes:

It's been one week since you looked at me, cocked your head to the side and said you're angry... ~lyrics from One Week by Barenaked Ladies.  
Mmm... cookies. C is for cookie... ~ Cookie Monster, Seasame Street  
No more yankie my wankie. The Donger need food. ~ Sixteen Candles  
Best way to get over a man is to get under a new one. ~ One Tree Hill  
There's an old Indian legend that says man and woman were once united - four arms, four legs, two backs. And one day the great spirit grew angry at this creature and took his tomahawk and cut them apart. And ever since that day men and women have tried to get back together again. ~ Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman  
Well, if it isn't my favourite trio of ... lunatics ~ Johnny Depp as Mad Hatter, Alice in Wonderland

NB: there are a great many implied references, but not direct quotations to various books, movies, characters, shows. I hope you enjoy picking them out.


	11. Lucy You Have Some 'Splaining to do

Hale No, Hale Yes  
Chapter 11  
Published 14 August 2010

AN: Disclaimer - see chapter 1. Thanks to my village of pre-readers and betas. Kuroi, you make my document make sense, well as much as you are able with the verbal diarrhoea that spouts from dear Alice. Rhenea, vampisthenewblack - you make it possible.

Readers, as always, you make me humble with your reviews. All of your reviews inspire me to continue when real life sometimes gets in the way. Thank you. On with the show...

* * *

_Where the hell am I?_ Oh right, in a bed. Trouble was... whose bed? Frowning, I tried to get out of the conglomeration of blankets, sheets and me; planting one foot on the ground delicately as my eyes adjusted to the gloom, I could make out that I was alone. And the room was cold.

My eyes took in the floral curtains as I shivered and I frowned even more with my growing sense of ... apprehension? Doom?

_This definitely isn't my room. And I'm going to get wrinkles at this rate from all the frowning._

I turned my head, taking in the embossed wallpaper and looked down to where my fingers were nervously plucking the satiny-feeling comforter that was weighing heavily upon my slight and somewhat dampened form. I frowned some more.

"God, Alice, what kind of an idiot did you make out of yourself this time? You're all sweaty." I muttered aloud, my heart beating loudly - too loudly. My mother's voice came through my mind, 'Girls don't sweat, they perspire.' Yes, thank you Miss Manners. Why in the hell was I damp? It was like I had been running a marathon, it was _that _icky wet, sticky perspiration. Like, ew. And the only time I ever got like that was when ... oh my fuck...

A little worried now, I winced a little in anticipation of what I might find, and bravely lifted the covers - just to check, you understand - and... well...

_Thank all the fucking deities that I am clothed. Fully. _

I dropped the covers with a huge sigh of relief, pulling my leg back under - it was a bit too cold to get up just now - lying back down whilst I got my bearings.

_All right-y then Miss Alice, you didn't spend the past however-long screwing the brains out of someone, though who the hell that might have been considering it was a girly party... oh holy crap-a-moly, we had a girly party. But wait, wasn't it at our place? So why don't I recognize this room? Fuckity fuck fuck fuck! Damn, my fickle, forgetful mind!_

Ever notice that lyrics can invade your head at the strangest of times? My head was pounding astronomically at the same time Britney Spears lyrics ran through my head as I tried to work through hazy memories.

_'There's only two types of people in the world, the ones that entertain and the ones that observe...' _

Don't ask me why. It's one of those random things, I guess. But if I was pressed to say which type I was, I would have to say that I'm a put-on-a-show kind of girl. (Like you didn't get that already.)

As I lay there listening to these lyrics going through my head - very annoying I might add - something wet ran into the corner of my eye. _Ouch. That stings_. Closing that eye, I tried to work out what it was. Blood? Sweat? Tears? Or something squicky and oh, ew, I hope not... my fingers touched it gingerly. My forehead was wet with... oh, it was a damp facecloth. Well, thank God for that. I thought for a moment it might have been a drooling rat, an ugly coyote, or something equally gross. I sat up. It didn't fall off. Must be strapped on or something. (Hehe I said strap-on.)

Then a voice came to help me out of my somewhat dilemma-ish predicament. But I don't know if I was relieved, annoyed or apprehensive.

"It's alive!" came the mocking tone from the doorway. Turning my head rather quickly - and I might add, it might have been a tad _too _quickly as my neck was very sore and can attest to that fact, that it was sore, from the quick movement I mentioned earlier - anyhoo, turning towards the sound I could make out the outline of the figure leaning nonchalantly against the jamb.

It reminded me of a scene out of a sci-fi movie before some villain walked in and began his monologuing. Possibly why I was prompted to blurt out, "I don't feel right. I feel like I'm leaking."

"Well, you've been unwell and besides, a little suffering is good for the soul as Bones would say." The voice belonged to Edward I-last-saw-you-sucking-face-with-the-hot-teacher-I-later-fucked Cullen and with that kissing memory firmly in mind, I watched him rather cautiously as he sauntered into the room toward me. "Miss Brandon, I wouldn't have pegged you for a Trekkie," he said, a slight grin upon his face. "I think I like knowing this side of you."

"You're not exactly what the term Trekkie brings to mind either," I said, carefully gauging his movements. He leaned over me, and my heart started hammering. "What the hell are you doing?" I squeaked, wondering if I should attempt to cover up what little breastage I might have been showing. Weakly, I clamped a hand over the V in my top. 'Yep, that's going to stop him if he's going to do anything, Alice.'

A smile graced his face briefly (maybe he read my mind?) before he reached forward, his hand brushing against my forehead, and removed the offending facecloth. Cool fingers brushed my bare skin and I almost sighed in relief from the coolness of his hand. I didn't realize I was feeling so hot! _Hot flashes already? I'm too young for menopause! _

Edward hmmed under his breath as he stared intently at me before sitting back on the bed and grinning. I missed his icy caress, but part of my mind could not help but wonder what his patients thought of his less than warm touch. (Another part of me got ridiculously excited at the thought of his cool fingers... well, note to self: girly tingly parts are all A-okay.)

"Alice, what else was there to do?" he said finally, breaking the silence. "I'm a Doctor. I spent a lot of time veging out to Star Trek while I was a resident. I was too tired to do anything else aside from mindless TV."

Point taken. Lots of late nights and shift work. Star Trek would be ideal watching. No blood, not too much action, and lots of comedic factor to release the tension of the day. Kirk. Captain James T. Kirk. Spock. Live long and prosper. Not to mention the whole slash connotations of Kirk/Spock that spawned an entire world of fanfiction. No wonder he was a Trekkie.

My mind conjured up images of Edward with his fingers splayed in the Vulcan greeting. I grimaced, though whether it was due to the pain in my head or the pain of him being a Trekkie, I'm not entirely sure. "Star Trek, Edward? Really?" I shifted, moving to a more comfortable position somewhat gingerly. What the hell was wrong with me?

His eyes followed my movements. "Well, lucky for you, you weren't a red shirt. You'll live to fight another day."

"Oh yay," my voice showed I was less than thrilled at this diagnosis. "What the freaking hell happened? Last I remember is you coming in... oh yes, you made quite an entrance from my recollection."

"Well, I didn't expect quite the prostration at my feet as you greeted me. Although many men would gladly welcome women fawning at their feet, it wasn't quite the welcome I had in mind. Not to mention Rosalie screeching in my ear to hurry up and fix you. Have you been feeling unwell over the past few days?"

(hehe prostrate... sounds like prostate. Yeah, I'm five.)

His warm melodic tones washed over me and I could only stare almost hypnotically at him. 'He's classically beautiful,' I thought, taking in the angles and shadows that played across his face. 'His warm eyes seem almost golden, but I'm sure it's a trick of the light of figment of my imagination. I can see why Jasper seems almost mesmerized by this man.'

"Alice?" Edward repeated the question.

Still I stared at him - rather dumbfounded-looking, I suspect. Those brows drew together, but unlike the whole monobrow thing of Jacob Black's, his were this perfect alignment of magnificence... _oh dear Lord, I fancy a very, very, gay man!_ _What the hell is up with the Universe?_

Wryly, Edward spoke again during my lack of speech, "Then again, maybe some of you have come to Hogwarts in possession of abilities so formidable that you feel confident enough to not pay attention."

A voice came from the shadows. "You quoting Snape again, Edward? I swear you have an amazingly great fan-boy thing for that man."

"Ah, Rose, have you been checking out my fanfiction list again?" His voice was soft with a ghost of a smile playing upon his lips. Still, he never turned his head away from me. Almost silently, she glided further into the room. I tried to keep my eyes off her and focused instead on Edward. From the steadfast way he was staring at me, I think he was avoiding her too.

I picked up on the Harry Potter references and tilted my head inquiringly at the two of them, a little more specifically at Edward, since as I said, I am still avoiding meeting Rosalie's eyes. "Harry and Snape? I wonder about you. Considering your predilection for Jasper, I would have picked a little Malfoy and Snape instead."

Edward glared at me. "That would be... incestuous."

"You and Jasper?" I snorted. "Not likely. Unless you look at him like a brother then yes, it would seem incestuous. Although I wouldn't have kissed my brother-type like the way you kissed Jasper the other day. Hot, by the way." A pause before, "And I see, that my verbal filter is still lacking," I finished, a little warm in the face now.

Edward had the grace to blush, but side-stepped and avoided that subject. "I meant Malfoy and Snape - the whole godparent and godson thing. It's just wrong to have them together."

'I'll take that lead, Edward,' I thought. 'Point taken - you don't want to talk about you and Jasper.'

"But it's Alan Rickman," I argued aloud. "And why not a little Harry and Malfoy? _That _sexual tension is just about tangible."

"See, I'm not the only one that says that," came a smug Rosalie. Oh yeah, she's in the room with us. I almost forgot about that. She leaned against a nearby wall and continued in an almost know-it-all sort of tone, "You can't tell me that Hermione would be the one for either of them. They are so up for it whenever they are together. Oooooh Drayyyy-co," she cooed in a mockery of Harry Potter. "Oy, Potter, wipe that smirk off your face. You just know he's really saying: Hey Potter, I want that smirk there because of me. Me and my peen. Come here, Pottyhead and earn that nickname."

"Rose!" Edward seemed most affronted.

"Oh you _know _that is _so _what he's saying in his head," she scoffed at Edward. "Draco just wants to jump Harry, whip those glasses off and turn Harry from geeky Scarface to Sex-God-in-Draco's-bed. Kind of like what you want to do to Jasper all the time."

Speak of the devil... Jasper walked into the room. "I heard Draco's name."

I rolled my eyes. Trust him to hear Draco's name and not anything else. And to think he has always hassled me about my fondness for Tom Felton's version of Draco Malfoy. Now, I can hassle him instead. (Is it just me, but since knowing about Jasper's predilection for the male gender, I am now noticing just how gay he has really been all this time? I mean lots of things have pointed to it. Why did I not see it before?)

Rosalie snorted at her brother. "You can't hear me if I call you, yet mention Draco or Harry or Snape and you come _running_ from the other side of the house."

"Actually, I was just on the other side of the door looking for Edward. And I was walking," he poked his tongue out childishly at her.

Rosalie rolled her eyes, "I should have figured you were following him like a lost puppy. You have been like that since you guys made up. How long before you cut it out?"

"Well, how long is a piece of string? Probably when we stop having really great sex. It's been a really good make-up, hasn't it, Edward?" Jasper touched a hand to Edward's back. _I dare not think about how low he placed that hand. Oh wait, actually that would have cheered me immensely. I wonder if they would provide me with a little in-person action to watch. _(I know, I'm such a voyeur.)

Rosalie wrinkled her nose. "Oh, please don't gross me out, Jasper. Just the fact that I've walked in on you guys sucking face or whatever you want to call it..."

"Kissing..."

"... and had to protect my eyes - and my brain - since I caught you on the kitchen counter. Honestly, you're like a pair of randy teenagers. Why there of all places?"

_Interesting. Kitchen? Counter top sex? Phoar... what I would have done to be a fly on that wall. _

Jasper countered, "The counter was comfortable, and better than the garage when you kept walking in on us. And it's not as bad as when I walked in on you with that disgusting little bullet friend..."

"Seeing my brother being fucked from behind by _my_ best friend is a visual I can do without," she shot back.

Sensing the escalation into all out war and possibly hearing about possible other sexual situations involving the woman that I wanted to have sexual intimacies with i.e. encounters that weren't me (jealous much, Alice?), I thought I had better intervene - before something was revealed that I did not need nor want to know about at this stage of hers and my relationship._ I mean, um, hello? Back to me?_

I whined. "Can you guys focus off yourselves for a moment and recall that I'm still here? Not knowing what is going on?"

Three pairs of eyes turned toward me and I felt suddenly a little uncomfortable under their gazes.

"Well," started Jasper as he sat himself comfortably at the foot of the bed, "you gave us a start. Falling at our feet is one way of garnering attention, but Alice, seriously, as much as I like it, you shouldn't feel compelled to do it every time."

I growled at him. No, no, literally. None of this figurative crap. I growled... like, like, like Jacob.

Jasper held up his hands in mock defense. "I give! Don't bite me!"

Oh my God, now he was just irritating. (My brain said, 'The magnificence that is Jasper can never be irritating. Jeez, Alice.' My other brain said, 'How the hell did I even think he was great?' The other part of my brain answered with, 'When your head was working properly.')

Imbecilic moron. Though - was I referring to Jasper or me?

"I think you've pissed the munchkin off," commented Rosalie dryly from the sidelines.

Raucous laughter greeted her statement. Bitch. Bastards. Where the fuck are my friends? A little miffed, I declared, "You know, this is my first time being coherent and awake, and I would appreciate it if you eased up on the sarcasm."

"The first time?"

Making a face at Jasper, I clarified, "After falling at your feet, I have no later recollection. I might like it if someone would explain to me what happened. That kind of first. I've never fainted before."

"Well, there is _always _a first time for everything," Rosalie quipped, staring at me - dare I say, _intently_. Her eyes roved down my body and part of me reacted - as you do - and the other part well, let's just say _it_ was a little nervous at her implied, um, you know, insinuation of _other _types of firsts.

Nervous now, I stammered, "As flattered - and intimidated - as I am by your proposal, I am going to have to remind you... Hello? What did we just talk about? Sarcasm?"

"Honey," her voice purred and shivers ran down my spine - very pleasantly I might add, "that wasn't sarcastic at all. I meant every word... and _every _insinuation."

Those blue eyes smirked at me as they held my gaze causing me to swallow hard; at the thought of her implications _and _at the thought of, well, _all _of _those _kind of thoughts. Shockingly vivid type of thoughts: red bikinis; long blonde hair falling loosely over bare shoulders; pink tongue; pink lips...

"Out! All of you, out! Honestly, behaving like a pack of hyenas in an invalid's room. Shocking behaviour." Esme Cullen walked into the room and like little school children, the other three looked suitably chastised. Admittedly, I too felt a little guilty - like she caught me doing something naughty. Well, luckily she couldn't read my mind.

"Yeah, I'm an invalid. You need to stop... _that_," I squeaked weakly, glad to have the interruption from the very predatory gaze of one Rosalie Hale - though admittedly I can feel my nipples hard from being almost eaten by a single look.

I vaguely heard Edward say, "Sorry, Mom," followed by "Yeah, sorry Esme," chorused by the other two.

"Alice, honey, how are you feeling?" She fluffed up the pillows behind me. _Oomph_. Yeah Esme, um, I'm still on them? She fluffed them anyway and then pushed me very firmly into them. Very firmly. Right, gently does it. God, I hope she doesn't notice how stiff my nipples are. How embarrassing.

I think that maybe she had noticed as Esme smiled again before proceeding to take a thermometer and sticking it into my ear. Yeah, okay, that's enough to kill the buzz I had going. At least the thermometer was an electronic one. It beeps loud though. She grimaced as she peered at it, talking all the while. I wish she'd be a little less... ramble-y.

"You gave us a bit of a shock there. Looks like you have been coming down with this horrid flu. Then you passed out."

Wringing out the almost forgotten facecloth in a basin by the bedside, the doctor's wife then proceeded to wipe my face with it. _Ew_. It smelled horrible. I think my face must have shown that I was less than impressed with it. Gently, she gave me one of the pitying smiles that people give you when you are sick.

"Your fever was quite high and I'm sorry if the room smells like vinegar and rubbing alcohol. It's all I could do to keep it down."

She sat back and then proceeded to glare at me. Mood swing much?

"Honestly, you children," Esme started berating me. _What the fuck? Sick person here._ "At what point is alcohol the cure-all to feeling ill?" Esme tutted before wiping my face down again. I felt like a small child in the bath. "We had to wait a considerable time before you could give you any medication for fear that the amount of alcohol in your system would contradict the medicines. You had us so worried! Especially Rose. She was so concerned for you. How could you let yourself get sick like that? How could Charlie let you get sick? Honestly, Alice, you need to take better care of yourself."

_God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change  
Courage to change the things I can  
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill  
because they pissed me off_

My version of the Serenity prayer went quickly through my head as it pounded with her ranting and raving.

"Esme dear?"

_Thank you Lord! Pretty doctor. Nice pretty doctor. Please to be getting rid of raving lunatic woman hell-bent on basting me with stinky vinegar. Kthxbai._

It was Doctor Carlisle Cullen and not Edward, but I knew Doctor Cullen and I was infinitely grateful for him showing his face. Finally. I'll be even more grateful if his hovering wife would just leave now.

"Dad, perhaps Mom should organize some refreshments for our now awake invalid while we do a check up on the patient?"

Turning grateful eyes to Edward who I had only just registered was still in the room (well he's an adult. Of course he's not going to be run out of the room by his overbearing mother. I hope.) I breathed, "Yes, that would be lovely. I'm feeling a bit dehydrated."

"Oh of course dear, I'll tend to that right now. How careless of me." And with the rush similar to that of a bus driving past you on a windy day, Esme Cullen left the room.

"You have to excuse Esme. She loves to look after people. I think she would have been happy if Edward had never grown up." He paused as he looked me over - in a medical sense. Stethoscope and all that. But while he was doing so, a commotion in the hall drew my attention.

"...you like her. So tell her."

"I can't. Not after..."

"You fucked it up. You fix it."

"No, _you _fucked _her_! _You _need to fix that."

"I _can't_ take that back. We talked about that, Rose! She was straight before she met you! This is new for her!"

"Jasper..."

"No, Rose, you may be my sister, but you fucked her up good. She was into you and you fucked it up by your own insecurities! You _need _to talk to her. _Don't_ let this fester. You could be missing out on a good thing!" Jasper's voice was very insistent.

Hers on the other hand was very, well, bitchy. "You'd know better than me since you've had your cock inside her."

_Round and round we go, where we stop, nobody knows._ Back to square one, again. Really, Rosalie. Are you ever going to get off that point?

"Dammit Rose!"

My sentiments exactly.

"Fuck you! And her! God, I wished you'd never tried to set me up. It's all your damn fault, you fucking imbecile!"

I heard a door slam and I winced.

"I'd say they might be fighting about you, wouldn't you say?" Carlisle's voice was mild, but his eyes were lit with something. Intrigue? Knowing? An attempt to see down my top? (Well it wouldn't be the latter. He's seen _me _naked before and I gather I don't hold that kind of appeal for him. Mind you, having seen the Missus Cullen, it certainly doesn't surprise me. I mean who the hell is that gorgeous _and _nice? No wonder all the women in town tend to hold back on throwing themselves on the good Doctor. He's already got the best woman in town.)

"Alice?"

"Oh you mean the Ricky/Lucy show we were just privvy to?" I looked at Doc Cullen. He was giving me a very patient, understanding look and gathering all my courage I asked him, "Is Rosalie really ..." _'into me'_ is what I wanted to ask, but what came out was, "... a bitch?"

He gave me a different look. "You sure that's the question you wanted to ask?"

"Yeah, probably not exactly what I meant to say. The question is warranted though, don't you think? But what I meant to ask is, well, is Rosalie really..." I took a deep breath, "... into me?"

"Well, that might have to be something that you two girls need to work out, but suffice to say I think that her insistence on your treatment being here rather than in your home is a good indicator of something. Perhaps you two should talk things out?"

Yeah, talk. Talk. I'm good at talking. Not so good at listening, but talking I can do. Trouble is, when I'm around Rosalie I can do nothing but _not _talk. Yeah, talk. Not so good for me.

I nodded weakly.

He patted my hand and got up to leave. "I'll see what I can do to calm things down out there. Maybe she can come in and have a chat with you. What do you think? Or would you rather leave it up to your own timeline?"

I gulped. "No, no, here is fine. If she wants to, that is. No pressure. I don't want her to feel obligated or anything. I mean, you know if you think she is up for it, talking that is. I mean, yeah."

Laughing, he nodded and left quietly. _I like that man. He's a nice fatherly sort of fellow._

So as I sat there trying to work out what to do, how the curtains looked so perfect with every pleat, and how did they paint the thingee with scrolls around the edges of the ceiling, the person I was trying to avoid thinking about walked in. And sat. And looked at me.

Her soft voice came out of the gnawing silence, "Lucy, I think you have some 'splainin' to do."

I smiled. Carlisle must have told her about my comment. I took a deep breath. "Rosalie..."

* * *

Quotes:  
"Then again, maybe some of you have come to Hogwarts in possession of abilities so formidable that you feel confident enough to not pay attention." ~ Professor Snape a la Alan Rickman, Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, the movie.  
As flattered - and intimidated - as I am by your proposal ~ Chuck Bartowski, Chuck  
I am going to have to remind you... What did we just talk about? ~ Chuck Bartowski, Chuck  
'There's only two types of people in the world, the ones that entertain and the ones that observe...' ~ Britney Spears, Circus  
"I don't feel right. I feel like I'm leaking." ~ Kirk, Star Trek

Note: many references to Harry Potter, Star Trek, Chuck, Here's Lucy and life in general went into the making of this chapter. Next up, the conversation we've all been waiting for. Alice and Rosalie make a porno.. oh wait, wrong movie...

Another author note: for those who read After the Storm (Edward/Jasper), there is a sequel in the works. I have a number of chapters already completed, but will try to get as much written before posting.


	12. In Love, One and One are One

Hale No Hale Yes

Chapter 12

Published 25 August 2010

Disclaimer as per Chapter 1

AN: Thanks to my betas and pre-readers for helping me get this chapter out. Kblacknightingale, vampireisthenewblack, rhenea5018

Readers - again I thank you very humbly.

* * *

"Rosalie..." I started, then stopped. What was I going to say? I was at a complete loss for words - doesn't happen a lot in Alice-world, as I've said before - but right now in the whole Rosalie/Alice world, it was happening, much to my disgust. _What did I want to say?_

Not like I could blurt out, "Hey chick, you pwn me." Even if it was true.

And I'm not Julia Roberts, all "I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy - well, girl in this case - asking her to love... her. (That should sound weird, but funnily enough it doesn't. Not to me.)

Rosalie now ruled my heart, thanks to Jasper's matchmaking skills, yet had stomped on said heart much like Davy Jones' when she thought she was all woman scorned. Silence is not golden to the receiver. Yet I could forgive that, if she could forgive - oh crap it all - Jasper and ... that... _that_.

_Oy vey._ Another fight to be had and discussed and ... my head pounded just at the thought. Still, it was only a battle, a skirmish if you will and the war was not yet over. In love, one and one are... one. May sound cheesy but Sartre is not cheese.

I wanted to plead my case, but did I actually have a case to plead? At times, one remains faithful to a cause only because its opponents do not cease to be insipid. In this case, I was faithful to the cause not because my opponent was insipid, but because I feared I was. _Oh, shut it, brain._

Obviously, if it - Rosalie, me, this, her and I, me and her, she and me - if none of that was a case, I would have to state a case, but if the case did exist, then reinstating it would be easier than starting over again. But then it begged the question, if I did have said case, was said case worth pleading, and would I want to plead for it? In short - yes. _I think._

My head was already hurting and it hurt more, the longer I tried to make sense of the tumultuous mess that was my thoughts.

Well, and then there was the freaking out that I was doing in my head, of course.

Why? Because this was IT. The Talk. The one that could be 'the moment' which would be remembered for all the time of our relationship. If we ever got to the point of actually having a relationship. And I certainly didn't want it to be a real life reenactment of 'Skater Boi', regretting it five years down the track. Oh, why'd you have to go and make things so complicated? Avril Lavigne just floated through my head as I thought, 'I see the way you're actin' like you're somebody else,' as I took in her so-called casual pose on the bed. Hiding her apprehension. Very passive aggressive.

I tried again, "Rosalie...you're very..." and again I stopped. _'You're very lovely? You're very tempting?'_

Suddenly, Edward's voice sounded in the awkward pause in my speech, "Wonderful!, Magnificent! Glorious! ... Punctual!"

Confused, I turned to look at him, "Punctual?" I asked sceptically. "Really, Edward?" Then I did a double-take. "And why are you still here?" _Oh my God, I'm hallucinating? I must really be sick now._

"Right, gotcha! Ixnay on the suggesting. Zipping up now."

He stuck that damn thermometer in my ear again. _Oh right, he's the doctor. He's supposed to be here. _I had just assumed that he'd left when Carlisle did. But he hadn't, judging from the thermometer in my ear. One high pitched beep soothes one's temperament, or rather indicates one's temperature.

However, when Edward pulled it out and peered at it, he threw out flippantly, "But as a suggestion - she's smart, fun. The hair, the eyes. Anything. Pick a feature. Talk not about yourself, but about her."

Rolling my eyes at his obvious plagiarism, I replied dryly, "Thanks 'Genie' - you're like Doctor Spock, Freud and Sartre all rolled into one."

"You're welcome. By the way, your temperature is lowering. Good sign. Rose, you want to take up where she left off?" Edward was calm as he lifted the stethoscope up and placed it to my chest.

My eyes trailed from him to her.

She grimaced, but nodded. When she spoke, she said something I wasn't expecting to hear.

"Alice, I'm sorry."

_Huh? What?_ I think again that whole filter thing was still lacking because I swear I just heard myself blurt those same words. The 'huh what', not the 'I'm sorry' bit, though I was sorry. But that's neither here nor there. What surprised me was that Rosalie was the one apologising. Um, wasn't that supposed to be my line? Hey, that was supposed to be my line!

"Sorry, what did you say?" I shook my head just in case my hearing was defective.

Edward grunted, "Don't talk, Alice. I'm trying to listen."

Pouting, I forced myself to breathe deeply when he said to and tried not to freak out over the fact that Rosalie seemed content to have this conversation in front of Edward.

Her eyes crinkled at the corners, showing her amusement. She seemed amused - by me. Maybe because the fear and panic that was threatening to overwhelm me was showing on my face?

"Relax, Alice, she won't bite. Much. Unless you're into that kind of thing," Edward put his stethoscope back around his neck.

Well uh, that just put my thoughts on a totally different wavelength. Biting, huh? Pause. Rawr. Pause. Demented am I. Pause. But still... that was hot.

I was so distracted I almost missed Rosalie when she talked again.

Rosalie said, "I have to apologise."

(Anyone else hear The Fray? Huh, maybe that's just me.) I tried to concentrate on what she was saying, not just her words, but her body queues: the slightly stiff stance indicated her awkwardness at how I might receive her words; her lightly tapping finger upon her knee showed her irritation at my slowness; her eyes not quite meeting mine (but made a dent in the wall behind me, I'm sure), that betrayed her nervousness.

"Uh, sure, okay." Yes, my own nervousness was shown in my eloquence - of which I have none. Nothing new when I am around Rosalie though, so really was it nervousness or apprehension or just tongue-tied-ness around a person on whom I have a small wee crush on? Why, yes I believe it was. All three of them. Just to be clear.

I heard rather than saw her take a deep breath before she stammered, "This is hard for me. Alice, I-I-I am sorry for having been a..."

Hold it! I'm not ready for the big disclaimer yet! Alice Interruptus now!

"Actually I think it should be me that's apologising, " I broke in. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to be all wibbly and wobbly and floopy. It's just, this was hard for me. I've never been attracted to a girl and it scared me. All right, it freaked me out a hell of a lot. I'm sorry I let it get to me, and that I reacted so badly. Oh, and I have a little admission to make..."

"Oh?"

The pregnant pause was so heavy that you could have beached a whale. My eyes searched hers and hers likewise searched mine. I was drowning in the pool of blue and suddenly all the cheesy romance novels I secretly indulged in ran through my head:

_'In her eyes a thought grew sweeter and sweeter, deepening like the dawn; a mystical forewarning. '_

_'Eyes of gentianellas azure, Staring, winking at the skies. '_

_'If you close your eyes, it almost feels like you're eating runny eggs._'

(Dammit, Mouse, get out of my head! Not the most opportune time.) I let myself drown in those watery depths...

A voice called from the entrance to the room, "Edward..."

Both of our heads turned towards the door._ 'Dammit, Jasper!'_

"Dammit, Jasper!" Both Edward and Rosalie cussed at the poor man. Huh, well it seems great minds think alike.

Jasper's eyebrows raised, he inquired from the safe distance of the doorway, "Am I interrupting something?"

Rosalie replied testily, "Well, duh! Get out!"

Jasper looked somewhat satisfied at having found us together, and yet he seemed loath to leave us alone too. With a cheeky grin, he teased, "Harsh, babe, harsh."

"I'm warning you, Jasper Hale! I have a dwarf and I'm not afraid to use it!"

Haha, that was funny. _Wait, is that about me? I object!_ I turned my frowning face toward Rosalie, indicating my strong displeasure in reference to my size and pretty much told her - very vocally - how displeased I was with her choice of words. At length. (Small people can accomplish much you know. Look, at the Lilliputians. Able to take on Gulliver, they did.)

My small tirade was broken only by a small interruption from Jasper, "Parlay?"

I turned toward him. "Excuse me?" I asked coldly.

"I thought, 'Think like Jack' and 'What would Jack do'? Parlay," explained Jasper, still with stupid little smirk upon his face. Ooooh, what I would do to march over there and jump up and smack it off his smug little face.

Instead, I attacked - verbally, as you would, being an invalid and all that. "And that's the best you came up with? I despair of you, Jasper Hale. I truly do. Parlay? Honestly. But speaking of that, now, you really should leave as we," I indicated between his sister and and myself, "are having a parlay of sorts here."

"Just remember that hostilities must cease until the negotiations are complete." But as he left, a slight quirk played over his lips, and crooking a finger at his own partner who was still in the room, he drew Edward out and overly exaggerated the closing of the door. I gave him the bird - mentally. (No need to show my callow side to this woman just yet.)

The room was quiet after his departure.

"Sorry about my brother. He's a big git." Her long fingers plucked at the comforter by my feet. "Not to mention being daft when he thinks he's being funny. Well that's what Edward says anyway. But he's whipped so I don't know how much stock we should put in what he says."

That's what I love about her. She has these little idiosyncrasies. Things such as Brit-speak that she seems to have picked up from Edward. Git. Daft. So terribly British. I found myself softening a lot towards Rosalie, feeling the tough outer shell just becoming all jelly-like. What animosity? What crap? It's all roses, baby. I'm so whipped. With a big grin as large as the Boston Common upon my face, I leaned forward and grasped her nervous fingers. "Well, they've left us in a room together. Shouldn't let this time go to waste."

Her eyes searched my face. "Alice, we should talk."

Gently, I replied in a hopefully reassuring tone that nothing untoward would be happening - yet, "I know, Rosalie. But can we discuss it from a lesser distance? Why don't you come and sit up here with me?" I patted the pillows next to me. "I am an invalid after all. Can't have me sitting up straining what little energy I have. Doctor's orders are that I spend a lot of time resting. If you sit up here, then I won't have to exert myself to stare at you?"

Of course, I was piling on the guilt of the sick. It's what it's there for after all. Helps when it works too.

"You're so cheesy." Her grin was infectious.

"But you love it." My heart thumped a mile a minute when those words left my lips. I was so shit scared of what she was going to say in reply, but there was nothing... Nothing but a little spark in her eye and a glimmer of a smile. Thank you Lord. Sweet mercy. Amen.

With a heavy sigh, but a small smile gracing her lips, she slowly unzipped her boots, taking them off before climbing up on the bed with me.

Holy fuck me cows! I tried really hard to not be distracted by the whole boot pulling off thing, but phew, I think my heart rate was definitely getting a good ol' cardio workout. _Yeah, I'm a perv..._

Balancing her weight on her elbow, she leaned her head upon her hand, smiling softly at me. "So where were we?"

Trying to pull my mind back from the thought of her in boots and fuck all else... My tone was deliberately flippant, "I think there was something about some apology?" I squirmed under the covers. I hope like fuck she cannot read my thoughts. She would really realise just how untoward I wanted to behave with her right now.

"Oh yes..." Her tone became serious, "Alice, I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to be a bitch the other night."

"Just the other night?" _Damn my filter! I need to lock that thing down!_

"Alice..."

"Yeah, sorry. I don't work well when I'm feeling... vulnerable. As you were..." I fluttered my hands at her, indicating that she should continue. 'Fuck, will you just shut up?' I mentally told off my brain... and body.

"Yes, as I was saying before you so rudely interrupted..." I stuck my tongue out at her and she grinned briefly before softly stating, "I am sorry for being a bitch. I just wasn't sure how things were to go. Edward told me that you were straight after that first night, and I was angry with Jasper for trying to set us up, and I wanted to talk with you, but you ... ah, you kept avoiding me and..." She took a deep breath. "When you picked me up on that highway, I got into your car, but it had a scent. A very distinct scent. Then we kissed and... I don't know if Jasper or Edward has said anything, but my last gir... relationship didn't work out very well."

The light dawned on me. Like full 100 wattage type of dawning. _Fuck me._ Her last relationship must have been... "Oh hell, Rosalie, I'm sorry. Um, that thing with Jasper - it was just such a mistake. I don't think you get just how much of a mistake it really was." I was very very earnest in my speech and I hope she understood just how much I regretted the thing with Jasper. "Did Jasper explain..?"

"Yes. As much as he was able to. I think I got a very abbreviated version but it did contain just how bad you felt about it happening and how much you really liked me."

"Oh I do," I said rather fervently. "I really do like you, a lot it seems. I hope you like me a lot too. In that way."

She was about to reply when once again we were interrupted. Honestly, does this household know nothing of privacy or knocking?

It was Esme. "Oh, Rosalie dear, you're here. Keeping Alice company are you? I promised you a bit of food and here we go. Everything on this tray is edible - specifically for invalids, even."

"Everything?" I questioned.

"Yes, of course. I put the jello into some brandy snap baskets so you can even eat that. As Willy Wonka said, 'Everything is edible, even *I'm* edible! But that is called "cannibalism," my dear children, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies.'"

Rosalie and I glanced, startled, at one another before breaking out into laughter.

"Now, you girls can sit here and chat and gossip, but, Rose honey, you make sure Alice gets her rest. She is still recovering. Make sure she has that soup." Esme got up with a small smile upon her face, patting my hand briefly. We waited until her footsteps receded before we turned back to one another.

"I'm guessing that we aren't going to have much of an apology session, what with all the comings and goings of this room."

I muttered, "I wish I was coming and going." Then my brain kicked in and I stared at her horrified. "I didn't mean that we should be doing anything like that!" I squeaked. "I'm not even up to that yet. I mean, I would like to, but the doctors, and fuck. I'll shut it now."

The sound of her laughter appeased me somewhat.

"I am very, very sorry for the terrible distress that I have caused you. I am very, very sorry... "

Our fingers touched. My thoughts strayed as my breath caught. (Damn it all to hell, but yes, it was all cheese) ... I felt like it was the start of something new. And I couldn't wait to see where it would take us. Somebody once said, 'Follow your heart wherever it may lead you.'

Well all I could say to my heart was, 'Lead away, dear heart. Lead away.'

* * *

Quotes:

I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her. ~ Anna Scott, Notting Hill, a role in which Julia Roberts plays a famous actress who falls in love with a bookstore owner. (Honestly, watch it for that moment alone. Bring tissues.)

In love, one and one are one. ~ Jean-Paul Sartre

At times, one remains faithful to a cause only because its opponents do not cease to be insipid. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Oh, why'd you have to go and make things so complicated? I see the way you're actin' like you're somebody else ~ lyrics Complicated, Avril Lavigne

"Wonderful!, Magnificent! Glorious! ... Punctual!" ~Genie, Aladdin

"But as a suggestion - She's smart, fun. The hair, the eyes. Anything. Pick a feature. talk not about yourself, but about her." ~Genie, Aladdin

'In her eyes a thought grew sweeter and sweeter, deepening like the dawn; a mystical forewarning.' ~ Thomas Bailey Aldrich

'Eyes of gentianellas azure, Staring, winking at the skies. ' ~ Elizabeth Barrett Browning

'If you close your eyes, it almost feels like you're eating runny eggs. ~ Mouse, The Matrix

"I have a dwarf and I'm not afraid to use it!" ~ Corpse Bride

"Parlay?" ~ Jack Sparrow, Pirates of the Caribbean, Curse of the Black Pearl

"Think like Jack" "What would Jack do?" ~ Will, Pirates of the Caribbean, At World's End

Everything is eatable, even *I'm* eatable! But that is called "cannibalism," my dear children, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies.'" ~Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka

"I am very, very sorry for the terrible distress that I have caused you. I am very, very sorry... " ~Atonement

it was the start of something new. ~ High School Musical

Other Refs:

You PWN me - geek reference. Should be You Own me, but a geek made the typo error in WoW (World of Warcraft for those non-geeks) and it stuck in geekdom forever.


	13. Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?

Hale No, Hale Yes

Chapter 13

Published: September 1st, 2010

Disclaimer: Twilight not mine. This story is. For longer disclaimer, see Chapter One.

AN: My special thanks to: **kBlackNightingale**, my fab beta. Thank you for being patient and for seeing it through even when it means you stay up late and fall asleep on my doc and then I change it after you finish. ILYSFM.

**vampireisthenewblack **and **rhenea5018 - **You guys are fantastic for running scenes and dialogue by. All your advice is valuable, your comments a treat and your sanity-savers a lifesaver. Huggles to you.

And once again **readers**: Thank you for letting me know just how much you love this fic! I really did not think many people would like this. I am glad I am not the only one in this world that loves references to all things pop culture. At least I know that should I ever meet any of you, you might actually understand the drivel that I spout. Thank you.

* * *

**Chapter 13**

It took only four days of invasive people to get me chafing at the bit and desperate to get out of the house. Personally, I thought I took the whole confinement thing rather well. Well, except for the completely non-showering thing. Apparently, I was too sick to get out of bed and have one:

-w-

_"I need a shower."_

_The doctor in Edward tried to reason with me. "You have to stay in bed. How about a nice sponge bath?"_

_"How about a fat lip?"_

_Reason hadn't worked so he tried coercion, "How about I get Rose in to do it for you?"_

_"How about I castrate you with this butter knife?"_

-w-

Apparently, to everyone else, I was not exactly a model patient. I take exception to that. I didn't throw a tantrum once (twice, maybe, but it was only at Edward, and then Jasper.)

During that time, Bella and Charlie had paid me a visit so I wasn't entirely insane with being cooped up. Of course the visit with Charlie was its customary 'alcohol is not safe' message and a bit of a rant about how I should have let him know; how he felt responsible for me; and how terrible it would be if anything happened to me thing. I knew he cared for me, the gruffness does often belay that, but I knew. After his usual 'be safe' commentary, he patted my leg awkwardly, said he was off to find Doctor and Missus Cullen, then Bella and I were alone; free to talk and catch up.

There was an unusual silence once Charlie had left the room and I sat there worried, while Bella gave me an intense look. It was an unnerving sort of a look, like someone was seeing you for the first time.

"What?" I finally asked crossly. "Have I grown a wart on my nose or something?"

She eyed me over again and it was rather unsettling, like a minute pickover. "No," she finally replied. "You look different. Better. Glowy. If I didn't know better, I'd almost say you were pregnant."

Clasping my hand to my chest, I gasped aloud, horrified. "Take that back, Isabella Swan. That's a horrible thing to say."

Her head cocked to the side. "You don't want kids?" she questioned me, as if surprised.

"I don't want them right now when I have no other parent and haven't exactly settled down!" I declared. "It's not exactly the best time, after all. All this 'up in the air' stuff with relationships, gender preference, that kind of thing. Not conducive to bringing up a baby."

Bella sat back, leaning upon one hand. She had this satisfied, gloating look about her. Really. It didn't suit her and I told her as such.

She laughed. "You've had a talk with Rosalie Hale then. Obviously, it's all worked out. You wouldn't be all glow-y if not. And talking about relationships and gender preferences. Alice Brandon's got herself a gal. A gorgeous one at that."

"Hey! Hands off, Swan."

"Oh don't worry your pretty little head about it. I'm still very straight," she reassured me. "Now give me the details about you and Rosalie. Early stages? Are we talking base-jumping or is it still the whole talking phase?"

Yes. She knows all the stages, the looks, the differences at the beginning of a relationship. She also knows all about the breakups, the heartache because she picks me back up. I sighed. "Look Bella," I began, "it's.. she...well... it went fine. I mean we've talked a little, okay a lot, but it's still very early days yet."

"What about the whole 'take it slow and not fall in love at the first instant'? You have a tendency to do that. But this? It's a whole new ball park."

"I know, but I like her, Bella. I really like her. She's beautiful, witty, smart and she has this caring nature about her that most people don't get to see. She'll make a great wife someday."

Her eyes widened. "You're thinking marriage already?"

Aghast, I quickly stated, "Oh not for me! Good Lord, not for me! Well, not yet anyway. Who knows? I mean I don't even know if this is all going to work and pan out, but if in the future, then yeah... I wouldn't mind having Rosalie for a wife. But we have to get through this first bit and start to have a proper relationship. Like go on a date. Let alone talk about being a wife."

"If she'll have you as a husband. Ever consider that might not happen?"

What on earth was Bella getting at? Is she saying that she thinks Rosalie doesn't like me?

Bella let out a troubled sigh. "What I mean is: same sex relationships are hard. You are gifted with the bigotry of other people."

"It's no different from bigotry like racism or sexism."

"Don't be naive, Alice. You're not dealing with gay people. You are dealing with everyday straight bitches who don't deal with the whole lesbian thing particularly well. Women are understanding of gay men. They see attractiveness in gay pairings. But face them with two women in a lesbian relationship? They feel threatened. Men will see it as a woohoo moment, 'let's get our rocks off while fantasizing about a sandwich with those two'. Women will see it as a double attack. You're making them face a fear that they might be latent lesbians - I mean let's face it; women are latent lesbians. It's in the genetic makeup from primitive times. You can't tell me they sat around waiting for the guy to come home from a hunt to have a shag. They might be gone for three months. And now here you come along. A woman who they thought was straight, now in a lesbian relationship with a gorgeous leggy blonde who looks like she stepped from a damn catwalk or fashion house. You're giving their men fantasises that they will not be able to compete in the bedroom with. You're a double threat and you might find yourself shunned."

I made a scoffing noise. As if. This town wasn't like that. People weren't like that. "Oh don't be silly, Bella. Forks isn't like that."

Seriousness colored her tone flat. "Forks may not be. But the _people _in Forks might be."

The visit with Bella had certainly given me food for thought. I found myself wondering about the content of her words at odd times and it made me even more waspish than before.

Finally, Doctors Edward and Carlisle said I could take a shower _and _make a _small _excursion and I immediately made the most of that, dragging Rosalie out the door to my car. Luckily - for me, and maybe for the members of the Cullen household - Bella and Charlie had brought my pretty, little baby around a few days ago. (Such a good friend was my Bella. She knew I hated feeling trapped.) So we got into my little car and we had a moment to gather our thoughts free of other people. It was nice to be alone with my thoughts.

Who was it that said, 'Tis the most tender part of love, each other to forgive'? Freud? Nietzsche? Sartre? Whoever it was, well they may have been right. All this time being sick had given Rosalie and I time to talk. Lots of time. And lots of talks. And forgiveness. I was forgiven. She was forgiven. _All _was forgiven and it was a clean slate. Ah, forgiveness. Happiness and fluffy ducks. Because Rosalie forgave me. Ergo, I was all floopy and stumble-y and warm fuzzy-ducks, basking in the lo... oops, _attraction_.

_We_ had had 'the talk'. Obviously. What 'talk'? asks you. That talk, says I. The 'I like you, you like me, we're a happy' ... wait that's the purple dinosaur shit... well... whatever. _That _talk. Actually, if you want to be precise, then we had several 'talks' over the course of several days:

-w-

_There was the 'I'm happy, you're happy, we're happy' talk..._

"Rose, you were right. I was afraid of getting my heart broken again. You hurt me with your instantaneous rejection, just because I said stop. You hurt me with your quick judgment calls and you hurt me with your cool aloofness. However, I hurt you too. I was afraid of you and of how you made me feel, and I fled from my feelings, my fear, and from you. That was not fair. I'm sorry. You know, it made me realize that people play hard to get just so they know the other person's feelings are real, but just know I wasn't doing that. Just know that I spent these past two weeks wanting you."

"I'm happy to hear that from you, Alice. I think we can make this work." Hesitation marred her voice. "If you are willing, that is."

Touching her hand, I beamed, "Same, Rosalie. I feel the same here."

When she was happy, the sun shone, the birds called and the world was all rosy. Her tone showed that she was extremely happy when she teased, "Rose, call me Rose. It'll be easier when I make you come."

Alice world was rosy indeed._  
_

-w-

_Then there was the 'Let me tell you about the birds and the bees and the flowers and the trees but in a girl's sense' talk._

Gently, I ran my finger down her cheek. "This is freaking me out, okay?" I whispered.

A worried expression graced her face before she clasped my hand tightly. "Don't worry about it, Alice. Do what comes naturally. We don't even have to go southerly until you're ready."

Leaning in, I had kissed her softly upon the lips. "Oh but I do want to," I reassured her before moving to kiss her cheek, "and I am ready."

I peppered a few more kisses along her jaw. Slowly, I sat back, staring into her eyes while trailing a line down her collar, and undoing a button. Sliding my hand into her blouse and holding her gaze, I asked, "I'm just really worried about what you think of me when I do. I mean what happens if I can't make you... you know... the big 'O'?"

Her eyes had taken on that glint I love so much and with the manner in which she had leaned her breasts into the palm of my hand, it wasn't long before her kisses reassured me that it would be all fine in the end.

-w-

_Then we finally had the long overdue Jasper talk. Broken down into many sections a) Me and Jasper._

"There is not now and will not ever again be a me and Jasper."

"Okay?" Her brow rose quizzically.

"I'm fine with you guys having talked about it. I mean I'm embarrassed as all hell, but better you know about it."

"Okay."

"I mean we weren't together, but like I told you before, I felt like I was cheating on you."

She let out a sigh. "I know, Alice. Look, here are some letters I wrote this week. I wanted to share them because well, like you, I'm afraid to share too quickly, too soon, but I think our situation might need a bit of trust building and this is the only way I can show you I trust you. With me. To show you I trust you with me. After that make-up kiss, I needed to let you know how I was feeling. Disturbed, emotional, scared, hope-filled... it's all there. Read them and then tell me if we have something to work for."

It was my turn to say, "Okay."

Her brows drew together in a frown. "But no references to the sex you had with my brother, no comparisons and for the love of God, please detail the inside of your car."_  
_

-w-

_Then it was the conversation about 'me having Jasper's dick inside me' and the 'me not having Jasper's dick inside me'._

"I know I said no more screwing my brother and no talking about it, but how was it? Will you be happy with me and not his...?" Her hand lifted to tuck my hair behind my ear and a gentle shiver went down my spine and titillated my libido, again.

"It was like being split in half."

"Really? I never thought he was all that well endowed. Did you enjoy it?"

"At the time? I guess so." Uncertainty passed across her face. I grabbed her face and forced her to look at me. "But he wasn't you."

"But he has a peen." It was almost a wail and the sound tugged at my heartstrings. Rose was as insecure as I was.

Fervently, I gave my answer, "But he doesn't have sexy boobs, does he? Don't worry about that, Rose. You are all the Hale I can take."

"Are you sure you're okay with me not having that?" A frown crossed her face, her finger tracing the seam on the comforter.

"What? You think I have the wrong Hale?"

A sigh left her lips and she lifted her gaze to look at me. "Well, you have been straight until now."

I sat up in indignation. "Yes, but I like you and everything about you. You're a mystery to me and not in the whole girl-on-girl thing either. You as a person. Jasper - we've worked together for a long time, see each other everyday. He is more 'you have been down that road, you know that road, you know exactly where it ends.' Rose, you're more 'I know that's where I want to be.'" Leaning towards her, I stated, "I protect that which matters most - you."

A smile lit her face and warmed a place in my center. "You know the fact you speak Matrix is just a huge turn on right?"

-w-

_And last, but by no means least; we had the Jasper having Edward's cock inside him talk. (That was an interesting talk to say the least.)_

"You're kidding right?" I clasped my hand over my mouth in fascinated horror.

"No! He was so all about Edward, even when we were younger. And then I caught him with this whole candle up his butt thing and moaning Edward's name and that was before I even knew that he and Edward had a thing."

I leaned forward, curiosity leading me to ask, "Did he know he was gay?"

"Not then. He had a girlfriend then, but figured things weren't quite right when all he could fantasize about was Edward, and the only way he could really get the whole orgasm thing was to plug up his butt and think of Edward. I think every single one of his fantasies have come true since dating Edward. They have done it almost everywhere. It has been bad for the whole sister/best friend thing. I needed a blindfold in the Boston apartment we shared."

-w-

Yes, we had had many talks. Open frank discussion talks. All of which happened mainly because we could not get any action since the Cullens, as a family plus Jasper, seemed hell-bent on interrupting at all the wrong times. If I didn't know better I would have suspected them to all cock-blocking or whatever the more appropriate term is for this sexual orientation. Lesbianism? Bi-sexuality? Freaky-deaky? (Yes, I am still not labeling what this is, for fear my brain is going to go 'ARGH' and run a freaking mile as if the whole of the tribe of Pelagostas were after it. Best not to chance it, don't you think?) So there we were, days later, finally content to enjoy each other's company, not so angsty, not so emo, and definitely many sexually frustrating moments.

Moreover, lots of self-analysis. (I think perhaps there is an undisclosed revenge thing that is in the act of forgiveness. You forgive someone, and the resulting self-analysis makes that person crazy. I mean who needs revenge when nature and the universe are all about self-analysis.)

_'There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness.' _

What do you mean revenge? you ask. Well, there was always that thing of her having forgiven me because I did something stupid, and the revenge was that I thought my way in circles about the very thing she forgave me about. The guilt or righteousness ate away at me. Part of me was a little... meh, oh well, let's move on and the other part is all, why in the hell should I feel guilty? We were on a break! Well, actually we weren't even together! What's the fucking issue? Look, I know it was bad - what Jasper and I did - but really, was it bad when we weren't together. We weren't cheating. (Well, maybe _he _was, but I wasn't _dating _Rosalie.) I don't know how to feel about that.

Then you have the logical, practical side of me that says things like, 'Um, see, the issue little Alice brain is that you screwed her brother and then claim to care about her. You don't screw the crew and then move onto the rest of the crew. It's just not done.'

Then you have the emotional but factual side that says, 'I know, I know, but we weren't going out. See?'

Yes, conflicted is me.

Channeling my inner Yoda, decided had I to put it behind me for the time being and just enjoy this time together. Get to me I let it not. After all, we had finally got to a stage where we were talking, Rosalie had indicated to me what she thought about it all and well, there we have it.

Girl time...

Lover time...

Hammer time...

Oh God, I just had the Angels dancing in my head to MC Hammer. Stop.

Now where was I? Girl time. Oh yes... so, overall, when I wasn't mulling over the forgiveness aspect of thing, I was busy... well... just busy. Or rather, as busy as you can get when the Cullens keep busting your ass as you get it felt up. _Seriously, can't a girl get a little action around here?_ (See, I'm starting to become all petulant and whiny. Not a good state to be in.)

That very reason was why we were in my car, debating to where we should be driving. In the very, very, very small confines of my car. Very tight quarters indeed, especially when there was a long-legged blonde-haired woman in your passenger seat with FMBs on. (I positively love fashion. Did I mention that? Never mind that it took several hours to get ready to get out of the house in the first place. Before you make any comment, one word: Preparation... preparation... preparation.) Is it just me or do you want to say 'H' after Preparation? And then does that lead you to thinking about KY? And then about what Jasper and Edward do with said KY?

"Alice, you are away with the fairies again. Come back to me." Rosalie's voice was amused as I dragged myself away from my thoughts and back to the driving... and to her.

"Sorry, just distracted."

"Well stop being distracted."

"So..." I slid Rosalie a sideways glance, pretending not to notice those cute knees in that positively sinfully short skirt, "where did you want to go?"

My brain was clear on where and what it wanted. '_I_ know where _I_ want to go,' says my brain. 'Right behind _those _knees and lick my way up.' _(Um, Brain?) _'Yes, Alice?' _(Horny much?_) Brain went quiet enough for me to think... and recall a conversation I'd had with Jasper:

_"E took me to this secluded meadow with all these fucking lilacs. He's a goddamn romantic when it comes right down to it. Man, it was beautiful. You should take Rose there sometime. She'd be tickled pink."_

The Meadow. Maybe I should take her there. 'Scuse the innuendo. Well, actually, don't. I fully intend on doing just that. Lying her back amongst the flowers etc... no harm in hoping and praying, right? Licking my lips nervously and turning to face her fully, I stammered, "So I was just thinking..."

"Good thing, that thinking."

Rosalie's smirk was delightfully... well, wicked, and I suspect that it may have matched my exact thoughts - my wicked, not-so-saintly, deviant-ish thoughts.

"Oh shut up." I grinned as I shoved her lightly before turning the ignition. 'Yeah, be quiet and do something more interesting with that mouth.' (Gah, my brain is such a male.) Silly little grins shared across the tiny space that was the car's interior. Silly little minuscule brushing against one's fingers that created even more silly little grins. (Is this the way love is supposed to feel? It feels a little well... silly. But I liked it.)

"So you were thinking...," she prompted as I drove away from the house.

"I was? Oh, that's right. My train of thought deviates so much sometimes. You really have to haul me back before I go all tangenty and find another subject to stray to. Like the other day when I was talking to Edward, he was all about..."

"Alice? Come back." Her voice was gently admonishing as she bade me to return to myself. Her head shook from side to side whilst saying, "I swear you need a leash on your brain sometimes."

I had to agree with her. It took off at the most inopportune moments.

"Edward has a meadow..." I drew to a stop. Was I really going to _take _her there?

With a questioning look, Rosalie asked archly, "A meadow? Edward owns a meadow?"

"No, he _has _a meadow," I clarified quickly. "It's some place that he likes to go to on his own. Jasper was telling me about it."

"Oh! That meadow!" Rosalie exclaimed. I chanced a glance at her and took in her disbelieving look. "Yes, well Alice honey, I'd love to see it but I don't know how I feel about the place where he took my brother's flower as a trysting place for us, just quietly." Her matter of fact tone threw me a little and I said as much to her. Her answer, "I have to think about it matter-of-factly otherwise I'd have a barrage of images that I fear will creep up behind me going Grrr. Argghh."

The Mutant Enemy, Inc. logo flashed before my eyes and I well, giggled. Nodding, I mentioned in a somewhat deadpan manner, "Oh, I had those images when Jasper told me about it. I ran. I think I made it through three counties before I realized nobody was chasing me."

"Well, I think we can safely say they are not chasing you now so why don't we go somewhere where we can do things that I can never tell my father about since he thinks I'm still a... good girl."

(Did her comment lead you to think what else she was going to say instead? It did mine. A bad girl? A straight girl? A Cordelia? A virgin?) Never mind what it was. I should stop thinking so much. (Note to self: stop thinking so much.)

"Shall I drive out to La Push?"

"And those completely hormone driven boys and girls out there? I think not. I am not prepared to share you. Just get out of town and we'll find some place. There's always Lake Pleasant or something."

So I drove, content to take direction, for once. Still, it was all good. Humming under my breath, I let my mind wander as I drove through town.

I ended up pulling out of Forks, towards Lake Pleasant and Beaver. (Ha-ha, Beaver. I'm going to Beaver to get some beaver. Oh, how crass, Miss Alice. Oh, wait, isn't there an Inn this way?)

Quickly, I asked Rosalie, "Are you pondering what I'm pondering?"

"I don't know, Brain. Burlap chafes me so."

"Be serious, for a minute."

She seemed sincere when she replied, "I was. Burlap is so very, very chafing."

"You..." I stopped. Huh. Quirking a brow at her, I had to ask, "And you know this how?"

"My mother used to make us do the sack races. Burlap sacks. _Not _what you're thinking, honey."

Indignantly, I denied, "I wasn't thinking anything!"

"That'll be a first." She snorted a little.

I had to concede. True that. I'm always thinking. A little rumination and cogitation never hurt anyone to be sure. I might have said that aloud since Rosalie laughed that throaty laugh of hers.

"I'll encourage thinking outside the box when there is any evidence of thinking inside it."

Loftily, I sniffed, "Well, Ms Pratchett, contrary to your belief, I _do _actually think before I speak. It's just... well, it always just ends with let's say it anyway."

"Uh-huh. And how is that going for you?"

"It's gone pretty well for a few decades now."

"You're lucky someone hasn't run you over with a bus or stamped you under their feet."

"Well, doesn't matter. You love me anyway."

There was silence after my words and I couldn't help but shit myself. Damn, what prompted me to say that? It was supposed to be a semi-serious joke, but it came out far differently than how it sounded in my head. My palms got all sweaty and I think I cussed under my breath a couple of times. On the other hand, perhaps it might have come out stream-like. _Fuckity-fuck-fuck-shit-damn-fuck!_

After a few heart-stopping moments, Rosalie said carefully, "Yes, I think I just might do. Love you, that is. However, we might need to reaffirm that. A lot."

She loved me. Wow. Too soon? Not soon enough? Too trusting? Too on the rebound? I don't care. She loved me. Me! For some reason, the sun shone even brighter than before and I grinned broadly at her. She smiled back, a little hesitant at first, then out came the megawatt beam. God, it was glorious. I'm sure mine was just as bright. I found myself humming under my breath: _Oh, the sun shines bright on my old Kentucky home...  
_  
"Alice!"

Turning my head, I realized that I had moved dangerously close to the edge of the road. I swerved, swore and everything swung around dizzyingly as I attempted to right my little car's path, but when we came to a stop...

"My eyes! My eyes!"

"Rose!" Hurriedly, I tried to ascertain what was wrong with her, but her hands were firmly held over her face. "What is it? Are you hurt? What's wrong!"

"It's them!" She pointed with one shaking finger while her other hand covered her eyes. "Look! Don't look! I can see... oh God, I am traumatized... again!"

I cast my eyes around and saw it... _them_. Every single little detail was imprinted on my brain in indelible ink. It was like slow motion, but at the same time, everything happened so quickly. Men. Two of them. Jasper. Edward. Getting _busy_. What the everlasting fuck!

-a-

* * *

Quotes:  
I like you. You like me. We're a happy family. ~ Barney, the purple dinosaur.  
'Tis the most tender part of love, each other to forgive' ~ John Sheffield  
"Because you have been down there Neo, you know that road, you know exactly where it ends. And I know that's not where you want to be." ~Trinity, The Matrix  
"I protect that which matters most." ~Seraph, Matrix Reloaded  
Oh, the sun shines bright on my old Kentucky home... ~ song

Brain: Are you pondering what I'm pondering?  
Pinky: I think so Brain, but burlap chafes me so. ~ Pinky and the Brain. Cartoon. Famous.

Refs:  
_FMBs_ - fuck me boots, usually knee high to thigh high. Calf length does not count, no matter what one says.  
_Angels and MC Hammer _- a scene from Charlie's Angels where the Angels are dancing to that song.

* * *

AN: Thank you to all my readers. I have a question... inquiring minds want to know: what particular show, book, movie or other reference makes you LOL or squee like a fangirl most?


	14. Two Guys, a Girl and Another Girl

Hale No, Hale Yes  
Chapter 14  
Published: September 9, 2010

Disclaimer: Twilight not mine. This story is. Quotes as per bottom of page. For longer disclaimer, see Chapter One.

AN: My special thanks to: kBlackNightingale, my fab beta. She is also responsible for some of the quirky remarks since I plagiarize her beta comments and use them for Alice's brain sometimes. Thank you for your words and for your encouragement and your grammar skills.

vampireisthenewblack and rhenea5018 - Again, thank you.

And my readers: Please enjoy the small amount of slash that is in this chapter, a small tribute to my lovely reviewers who have followed me along this and other fics of mine. But needless to say, thank you to all of you.

* * *

"Whoa!"

I turned to Rosalie, repeatedly pointing at the two naked men. Her hands were firmly still over her eyes.

"Tell me about it!"

I turned back to Edward and Jasper.

"Whoa!" I repeated. "Whoa, hey, wow! Oh my God! It's even huger in daylight!"

"Alice! That's my brother! I don't need a running commentary!"

"They is _nekkid_!"

(My papa once said, "What is the difference between Naked and Nekkid? Naked means you ain't got no clothes on. Nekkid means you ain't got no clothes on and you're up to somethin'." And oh my God - Edward and Jasper? They were naked. No, correct that. They were _nekkid_. And _so _up to something. Actually, more like something is up! Not so innocent and sweet...) Like a replaying dream, I stared, not able to tear my eyes away as Edward and Jasper went at it like bunnies under the cover of trees at the roadside, and I got my own personal boy porn show. _NSFW! NSFW! _

Question - why were they there? And why are they doing that on the roadside? (Really, Alice? Who cares?) But then any and all questions were swept away as Edward's tongue glided along Jasper's full lips, parting them, and slipped in. However, unlike the last time I had watched them, they weren't slow about it. It was a ravening feast... of two very, _very _fine specimens. (Of which I was most appreciative.)

Two sets of fingers gripped hair tightly whilst two sets of lips crashed together, planting hot, passionate kisses on one another. The bronze tones of Edward's hair contrasted with the paleness of Jasper's. _Beautiful_.

Pausing, they leaned their foreheads into the crook of each other's neck, hair brushing forward to lay damply against bare skin, but I could see that they had not stopped. There was still evidence of nipping and stroking. Damn, I could feel my nipples hardening in mute response to the sight before me.

Gently, Jasper reached up and ran his fingers through Edward's hair, letting his fingers glide through the hair, now dark with moisture. A gentle kiss, a sweep of the tongue...

Almost simultaneously, Edward's hands moved to grip Jasper's ass as Jasper's hands gripped his face, and tongues thrust eagerly together into open and willing mouths, rhythmically in time to their hips grinding against one another.

The curve of Jasper's ass - Edward's hand curved protectively and possessively around it - clenched and unclenched as Edward pulled Jasper into the curve of his own body. Jasper's hips rocked purposely against Edward and _oh holy sweet mother of fucking mercies_, he moaned. Loudly. Enough to hear it in the car (of course I had wound the window down! What do you take me for?)

Two very turgid, hot and twitching, throbbing cocks creating friction between them.

My breathing became erratic as I gazed rather avidly, wondering what was going to happen.

Jasper took control, sliding ever so slowly down his man's bare and beautiful skin, kissing, caressing as he went. A pause at the nipples, controlled, teasing, flicks to the hardened nubs; a slow traverse from chest down to navel; the long, slow trail of the tongue along the 'happy trail'...

_I'm goin down down, baby, yo' street in a Range Rover (c'mon)  
Street sweeper baby, cocked ready to let it go (HOT SHIT!)  
Shimmy shimmy cocoa what? Listen to it pound  
Light it up and take a puff, pass it to me now _

(WTF, Brain? Nelly's Country Grammar may be inappropriate here, but it's what I heard in my head as Jasper teased his way down to Edward's cock. I think my brain may have malfunctioned from all the hot action.)

Talking of hot action...

_Oh holy fuck! _I gulped hard when Jasper straightened and smirked at his lover before getting down on his knees.

_Ah, fuck me. Fuck. Me. _A beautiful cry from a beautiful man as his blond lover nipped at his hipbone before going to work on his cock.

"Alice?" _Oh Rose._

Edward's head was thrown back, his throat arched and his Adam's apple bobbing, ragged breaths leaving his parted lips while Jasper was on his knees.

"Alice?" _Yes, Rose, oh yes, Rose! _I was getting all hot and very, very bothered. Any minute now and I was going to accost the pretty blonde woman in my car, calling my name. _Botheration_. Wait, calling my name?

The sound of my car door opening alerted me to the fact that _my _pretty blonde was not bothered in the same way as I, and the slamming of her car door was enough for the boys to pause in their shenanigans.

I stared at my ferocious woman stalking towards her brother and his lover, like an avenging angel, though to be honest, she sounded a little more like a banshee. (Oops. Don't tell her I said that.)

Two pairs of eyes, startled and wide, took in her approaching form and before my very eyes, Edward hit Jasper on the back of the head - causing Jasper's mouth to open - pulled his cock out from his mouth, jumped away and started dressing. _Boy, I bet he has never moved so damn fast. _

Jasper on the other hand, took his leisurely time about getting up; Edward struggling into his shirt while Jasper stayed upon his knees.

She shrieked, "Jasper bane-of-my-existence Hale! What the hell do you think you are doing?"

In the car, I put up my hand and bounced in my seat. "I know! I know! He's doing Edward!" (I don't think she heard me. Thank fuck for that.)

He stared at his sister churlishly, who was stalking towards his - very nude - self. In a wry voice, he answered, "Communing with the wilderness? What do you think, sister dearest? Having sex. Outdoors. I have 99 problems and one of them was not having sex outdoors."

"You have to be freaking kidding me!" Arms akimbo, Rosalie stared down at her brother.

"I'm not."

She was incredulous. "Seriously?"

"Seriously." Jasper was very serious. Even though he was still upon his knees... and naked. Reminded me very much of James. Completely, unequivocally unabashed about his naked form. Ah, good times. Good, _great _times. I struggled to free myself of my seat belt; I needed to go help. Yeah whatever, there were naked men! I got out of the car and ran towards them. I was going to help. Truly.

"Seriously?" I heard Rosalie repeating herself, but aiming the question at Edward, who was still struggling to get dressed.

It was Jasper who answered, having risen to his feet. Planting his hands on his hips, he too repeated himself, but with indignation in his voice. "Seriously!"

Reaching her side, I laughed as I grabbed her hand in mine. Naked men! Score! Gay porn - double score! I tried to wipe the smirk off my face. An exasperated sigh left Rose's lips as she stopped, took one look at my arrival at her side before she picked up his shirt and threw it at him.

"Are you still looking?" she muttered in an aside to me.

"Ya-huh!" _Um, duh! _

Sniffing disdainfully, she said to Jasper, "I'm not playing with you, you sexed up brother of mine. Now why?"

I wondered, 'Did she mean that as a 'why I am not playing with you?' or 'why sex here now' kind of question?' I wouldn't mind having both answered, just quietly.

Thrusting his arms into his sleeves, Jasper explained, "Because Edward got distracted when I tried giving him road head and we ended up in the ditch. What else is there to do, but take cover under the trees while we waited for someone to come along." Having stepped into his pants, he quickly pocketed his boxers. "I was trying to take his mind off the possibly long wait, and the damage to the car, and well, we got a little carried away."

"But it's in public! _Why _do you have this penchant to do this in public all the time?"

He spoke as if to a child. "It's outdoor sex." _Naturally_.

"In public!" she seethed.

"Um, hello? Outdoor sex," he stated as if that explained everything. _It did, it truly did. _

I sniggered. "He really reminds me of James," I said to Rosalie. She gave me a withering glance. I shrugged in my defense.

To Jasper, I called out, "You're not the strong silent type, I see, Jasper. More the action hero/G.I. Joe kind of thing. But outdoor sex? Where people can just pass and see you? Exhibitionist tendencies much? Might as well have found a glass elevator. We can call you Wonka!" I chuckled at my own joke.

But it wasn't Jasper who answered.

Edward turned his head to me and cocked it to the side. When he spoke, it was in a tone of voice I hadn't heard before and it made my toes curl in my boots. "Hullo, Alice. Like what you see?" My breath left me in a whoosh. Oh my, the charm flowed and I could see just what it was about Edward's bedside manner that drew Jasper. His voice alone was to die for. He carried on flirting with his eyes and _that _tone of voice, "We could have done with you thirty minutes ago when we were playing naked hide and seek. Jasper cheats. He always cheats. I bet you wouldn't cheat though."

I could feel my mouth opening and closing as I was stunned into silence.

"I'm his bitch, I'm his lover, I am his, to discover. I'm a sinner, I'm a saint, I do not feel ashamed." To my utter surprise, Edward was singing his own parody of Meredith Brooks as I continued to gape, stunned to the spot.

Jasper smiled, silently apologizing for Edward's behaviour, "Lost for words? Just nod yes and we'll call you next time."

I found myself about to nod (don't tell me you weren't about to because you'd be lying through your teeth) then Jasper winked at me and gave me the casting couch look. You know, the one that peruses your person and either makes you feel horny or exposed. Right now, it's more the latter bringing to mind the 'Incident'.

Recovering somewhat, I threw him a dirty look. "Don't look at me like that!"

"Like what?" he asked innocently.

"Like you've seen me naked!"

He spread his hands in front of him and shrugged. "Technically you weren't naked..."

The chorus of "Jasper!" sounded loudly in the open air. Obviously, I wasn't the only one who thought that remark was a little inappropriate under the circumstances.

Fully dressed, Edward started to walk to Rosalie, his hands deprecatingly spread before him. I think he was hoping to soothe her. I snorted. _Oh this would be interesting. Good luck with that_.

"Rose... beautiful Rosalie. My best friend Rosalie..." he started to say, but she interrupted.

"Don't." Her tone was firm, crisp and... _final_. And calm. Eerily calm. It freaked the fuck out of me because it showed just how angry she really was. The 'calm before the storm' kind of calm. Her voice was low as she quietly ranted, "You're fucking my brother at both ends, whenever and all over this town. You don't get a say right now because anything you say, will be used and held against you. Keep your pretty mouth shut for a little while and I won't get all Gordon Ramsey on you."

"Now there is no need..."

"Am I speaking too fast for your little doctor brain to follow?"

I stifled a giggle and schooled my features into a stern look, turning it towards Edward and Jasper. The two grown men wavered under both of our gazes.

Rose sighed. "Okay, I am going to say it in little tiny words so you can follow it. _Really _simple. You can react - or not - to what I'm about to say."

The boys looked a little terrified of her. She pointed one finger to my car, stuck in the shoulder of the road, teetering precariously at the edge of the ditch. Oh. I hadn't noticed that when I ran from my car. Good thing, possibly.

"I'm a woman on a mission: sex or death, so don't get in my way and don't cramp my style. Be useful," Rose grated out. Silence greeted her words. _Woman on a mission huh? Sex? Awesome!_ My inner glee was carefully contained. Her voice rose. "Get dressed and help us move our car! Don't be imbeciles! It's not damaged and we can still go on and get out of your way, but the wheels are stuck in the dirt. So get up there and push. It's what you're good at anyway. Pushing. And before you ask, Alice is still an invalid. She shouldn't be out here doing manual labor."

"Bet you'll get her to do other manual labor later though," muttered Jasper darkly as he buckled up his pants. _From your lips to God's ears, thanks. _

She gave him an angry look. "Just hop to it, exhibitionist boy."

Ah, Rose. My beautiful, talented, gorgeous Rosie - _wait, that sounds wrong, I'll never call her that again_ - my _Rosalie _shouted out her orders like a military general _or _the Christmas Nazi. So authoritative, so totalitarian, so frickin' _hot_!

"Well don't just stand there, Edward. Get those pretty hands on the car and push! Alice!" I started. "Get in the car!" When I stared at her blankly, she ground out through gritted teeth, "Get in the car, put your hands on the big circle thing, it's called a wheel, and turn it when I say. Got it?"

"Yes, ma'am!" The response was automatic. I'm just glad that I didn't salute her as well. God, Rosalie as a dictatorial tyrant was terrifying, yet extremely hot. (And made me wet. Like 'holy hot, oh my God, I almost came' hot!)

After much pushing and shoving the car was back on the road and Rosalie jumped back in the car.

"Well, that's done then," said Jasper somewhat needlessly. Captain Obvious. Good-oh.

I leaned over Rosalie and peered out at him through the open window. "Worst rescue, ever. Just so you know."

"Hey! You're lucky we even helped you. You interrupted us _coitus oralis_ and we could have just ignored you."

Recalling what happened when Rosalie and I were finally noticed at the time, I asked him point blank, "Wouldn't it have been odd staying _coitus oralis_ when the receiver was busy jumping up and dressing?"

Jasper pouted at the truth of my words, sniffed disdainfully, and turned away.

Edward leaned on the sill of the door. "I don't suppose you could drop ...?" Edward left that hanging as he took in Rosalie's glare. "Ah, I'll take that as a 'no' then. Awesome, just awesome." Rosalie pursed her lips, motioned at the dejected Jasper and Edward brightened. Like a fucking tomato. "Ah, right, yes. I'd best be dealing with that then. You sure you don't have time for naked hide and seek? I promise I'll stop him from cheating, if you like."

Rosalie wrinkled her nose at him. "Ew. Thanks, but no. I have but a smidgen left of my brain matter that isn't tainted by the two of you and I'd like to keep it that way."

He smiled and slapped the side of the car. "Okay, we'll do the group hug later then." (Obviously, they seemed to understand one another. Which is good because I sure as hell didn't.)

She grinned. "Yes, let's. It's all about the love. Take care of him, Edward."

"Don't worry, I will. Now keep her in bed. She's an invalid, remember?" _Yes, Rose, keep me in bed!_

We left the two boys on the side of the road waiting for their tow truck. Rosalie was smiling now, better than the 'hopping mad' she was before and the further away we got from them, the more her smile grew.

"Are you okay?" I asked tentatively. Maybe I misheard her and we weren't really having sex, or maybe she's changed her mind. Maybe tonight isn't going to be the night.

She blew out a soft raspberry and sighed. "Yes, I am. I'm sorry. I just... I don't handle it well when Jasper seems to do the most moronic things. I know that Edward and he, well that is the stuff he dreams of, but at the same time he is so scared of being with Edward that it's like he creates situations where he is going to get caught in a compromising situation just so he can go 'Ha! See, people don't like gay people' and justify why he's not with Edward all the time. They have been in and out of their relationship for years because Jasper gets cold feet."

"Not because he just wants to out himself?" _Okay, I guess tonight isn't going to be the night. Damn you, Jasper, damn you._

I tried hard to listen attentively as she continued to talk about her brother. "No. It's like he has this self-destructive tendency. He wants it so much, yet doesn't feel he deserves it. He moved away from Boston and Edward because of it. And hurt Edward in the process. Imbecile."

"He was in Boston?" _When will I get the sexing? Tomorrow? The next day? Next week? Will someone get those stupid walking carpets out of my way so I can get laid?_

"Yes, Edward was in his residency at Boston Memorial and well... so when the opportunity came to come here, Jasper jumped at it. They were both to move here, but Edward was offered a position in Seattle."

She stopped. I think possibly a good place to change the subject and take her mind off those boys.

"So where are we headed?" I asked. Le sigh. I was reminded of Captain Jack Sparrow attempting to plot a new course in DMC, but his compass refused to work. Sort of like mine as I wasn't sure of her intentions thereby affecting my intentions. Le sigh. _But why is the rum always gone? Fuck!_

"Don't get me wrong, but I'd really like to be alone with you right now."

Her words came back to me. Well, they never left, really. 'Woman on a mission: sex or death'_. (I vote for sex!)_ I read you loud and clear, Brain.

"There's an inn coming up. Well, it's more a house. I, ah, took some liberties while you were having your shower and checked with Carlisle too. I booked it for us. But we don't have to stay there. I mean, it's not like it's what you have to do, stay there that is. I don't mind."

"I don't mind." No, really, I don't mind. _(And now, your highness, we will discuss the location of your hidden rebel base... )  
_  
Rosalie interrupted my brain's train of thought, "We can just go on to somewhere else."

_(No, no, no! Sex! Inn! Now!_)

Her face flushed as she quickly suggested, "Or we can visit someplace and then head back to the Cullens. It's not like we have to find someplace to stay."

"True..." I tarried in my response. (_Sex!)_ Yes brain, I heard you._ (Oh thank fuck! I might get sex after all! Thank the fucking everything!)_ Shut up!

"But obviously it's up to you." She finally stopped talking. _Tell her yes! _It seemed that she was holding her breath waiting for my answer, but I knew what it would be.

"Rose?" Calmly, I reached over and placed my hand upon the still one on her lap. "Yes. Yes, Rose I would love to stay there with you." '_Sex, sex, sex! Booyah!_

She took a deep breath and exhaled it in a rush. "Well, thank fuck for that. Couldn't you have said that earlier instead of waiting for me to run out of breath? I said sex or death. Don't force the latter."

There it was. The explicit moment of truth: Sex or Death. And my Rose chose sex! Roger that, Houston, we have a go. I waited for my brain to break out in a chorus of 'hurrahs' or squee like a fangirl, but no, it was total and complete silence like static over the radio. I think my brain is DED.

~v~

* * *

_**Quotes:**_

_"Don't look at me like that."_  
_"Like what?"_  
_"Like you've seen me naked." ~ Grey's Anatomy, Derek and Meredith_

_"What is the difference between Naked and Nekkid? Naked means you ain't got no clothes on. Nekkid means you ain't got no clothes on and you're up to somethin'." ~ Delta Burke, Designing Women_

_Man on a mission. Sex or death so don't get in my way and don't cramp my style. ~ Kyle Valenti, Roswell_

_I'm goin down down, baby, yo' street in a Range Rover (c'mon)_  
_Street sweeper baby, cocked ready to let it go (HOT SHIT!)_  
_Shimmy shimmy cocoa what? Listen to it pound_  
_Light it up and take a puff, pass it to me now ~ Nelly, Country Grammar  
_  
_"Why is the rum always gone?" ~ Captain Jack Sparrow, Pirates of the Caribbean (he said "Why is the rum gone?" in Curse of the Black Pearl, and "Why is the rum always gone?" in Dead Man's Chest, but the ref was alluded to in At World's End)_

_'And now, your highness, we will discuss the location of your hidden rebel base...' ~ Darth Vader, Star Wars: Episode IV: A New Hope._

_**Ref:**_  
_The whole scenario of "Seriously?" "Seriously." "Seriously?" "Seriously!" - now while that might have popped up on a number of shows, I figure that since I have been saying that since I was at junior high, I figure that was a bloody long time ago and I can claim that ref as mine own. However, I will say that it has come up on a number of shows I have happened upon as an adult like Grey's Anatomy, but I swear I said it first!_

_NSFW - geek term. Not Safe For Work, used to refer to documents or links that would probably get you fired if you were looking at them on worktime. Usually R rated or higher._

_DED - meaning to be killed on a grand scale. Geek reference._

_And if you don't know Meredith Brooks' 'Bitch' song, you tube it. Edward made up his own words._

_Walking carpets - ref to Princess Leia's comment about Chewbacca on Star Wars IV when she was frustrated with Hans Solo. Let's call it sexual tension mixed in with a sexual frustration._


	15. Bibbity Bobbity Boo

**Hale No, Hale Yes  
Chapter 15  
Published: December 30, 2010**

**Disclaimer: Twilight not mine. This story is. Quotes as per bottom of page. For longer disclaimer, see Chapter One.**

**AN: My special thanks to: kBlackNightingale, my fab beta. She is also responsible for some of the quirky remarks since I plagiarize her beta comments and use them for Alice's brain sometimes. Thank you for your words and for your encouragement and your grammar skills. Apologies for the delay in updating.  
**

* * *

**Ch 15**** - Running Interference**

While my mind came to grips with the upcoming possibilities, I let my hands guide the wheel, my eyes automatically following the road. Yes, my mind _was _working now and boy, was it working overtime! Naked Rose. Smirking, naked Rose. Lust-filled eyes, sexy, naked Rose. "So...definitely cottage?" I croaked hoarsely, my mind filled with oh-so glorious imagery. I wanted to ensure we were on the same page hence the question, and I was fully prepared for her to say no. God only knows why, but a part of me kept thinking that she would suddenly scream out for me to stop the car; that she had changed her mind. I waited in silence while my teeth worried at my lip. I had tried to keep my voice nonchalant - just in case she _had _changed her mind, but between you and me - my heart was hammering in my chest as I waited with bated breath for her answer.

With one quick movement, Rosalie turned to me, abruptly asking, "Why not the cottage? You worried about losing your 'virginity'? Or did the intervening yards between saying yes and now make you rethink 'it'?"

The worried note in her voice made me stop and think that maybe she was worried that _I_ was rethinking 'it'. "No, not at all," I quickly reassured her. "Just... Brother didn't turn you off?" I had to ask. I was so afraid that seeing Jasper making out like that with Edward might have made her rethink... us.

A smile from her gave me instant relief as she answered, "No, not in the slightest. Jasper and Edward, they may gross me out, but no. Hope they didn't put you off. So err… no, I'm fine." I noticed the hesitant pause before Rose ventured, "Why? Have _you _changed your mind?"

Good God, we sounded like some stupid soap opera. Have you changed your mind? No, have you? No, have you? No, have you? No... Methinks it's time for some cold hard truth.

My breath came out heavily as I blurted out, "I'm hot!"

Her brows shot up at this statement and she snorted - out loud.

Shit! That came out wrong. I mean, I know I'm hot, but that's not what I meant at all. I held tightly to the wheel as I stammered, "I mean hot like turned on, like... like..." My mind raced for a comparison, but came up with nada. "I don't think I've _ever _been this turned on," I confessed with a sigh. "I don't think Jasper hindered your cause at all. I mean, one turn of the wheel and I'd slide across my car's upholstery straight into your lap." _That sounds sleazy, Alice. _Yes, I'm Alice 'Subtle like a sledgehammer' Brandon, don't you know? I don't need a spade to dig a hole for myself, I'll just use my bulldozer, thanks!

I heard her sharp intake of breath which made me glance her way briefly. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a satisfied smirk grow across Rose's lovely face as she caught that delectable lower lip between her teeth. It's unbelievable how that one small gesture made me want to pull over and leap on her. And _then _I noticed her legs rub together and she shifted in her seat. _Rawr_. There was a small break in conversation before Rose asked shakily, "Commando, Ally honey?" I think her question was rhetoric, but nonetheless, _there _was _my _answer. Obviously, she liked the idea of me going without... Needless to say, my foot hit the accelerator, the car shot off and gunned it down the road, my palms sweated while my heart thumped to the silent singing in my head of, '_Work it a little, get hot just a little, meet in the middle..._' The wind was streaming through the open windows, the landscape was flying past and my pulse was thudding in anticipation as my little car ate up the distance between us and the waiting bed. And we must have both been in anticipation, because I don't think we spoke a word as we were lost to our own separate imaginings.

The irony that took place next was... it took all of two short minutes before we had decided we _were _going to go to this cottage, about three seconds flat to decide we also were going to be having wild, hot sex there, and what do you know, it only took a further 10.5 minutes for the whirring and beeping of the police car to sound behind us as I sped down the highway.

"Shit!" I huffed loudly as I glanced behind us at the flashing lights. Can I just say? Stupid Forks Police - always showing up when it was inconvenient. Damn them. Hey, at least it's not Edward and Jasper... again. I slapped my hand against the steering wheel angrily before putting on my indicator. Pulling over to the side of the road, I glanced at Rosalie as she sat in her seat, smiling at me.

"You're cute when you're mad," she remarked. I stuck my tongue out at her and made a face. She laughed aloud before adding, "Only stick out that tongue if you're prepared to do something with it, Alice Brandon."

I also flipped her the bird. She deserved it. Again, she laughed. I think she's taking this better than I am (this little _interruptus pre-coitus)_. Witch. As for me, well I was still somewhere around 'somewhat frustrated'; my fingers drummed an impatient rhythm upon the wheel while I watched (in my rear vision mirror) the officer getting out of his car. However, I was _relatively _calm as I wound my window all the way down. I guess relatively calm is really not calm, but hey, I'm horny. We, correction, _I_ waited impatiently.

Fuck, this officer was taking his sweet time ambling towards us. I decided to respond to her earlier 'cute when mad' comment. "Cows go mad. People get angry," I tossed out in what I hoped was an airy tone, whilst still keeping an eye on Mister Policeman. "If you think that's cute, Rose, just wait. I'm about to get _real _adorable."

My brows drew together in a scowl - how long can he take to get out of the car? - but they eased themselves from their furrowed expression to a questioning look when Rosalie's hand gently moved upon my knee. A devilish grin sat upon her lips in answer as she waited for me to ream out the nice policeman. I drew a shaky breath. God, she was incredibly gorgeous. It took all of me not to give into the compulsion to lean across and trace that wicked, devious, little grin with my tongue... and _only _my tongue. Her grin grew wider, no doubt reading my mind and she chuckled, "It's okay, Alice. We've got time. Calmly does it. Patience wins the race." I gazed at her smirking face as her fingers trailed teasingly up the inside of my leg and I grinned back, although I did make a quick face at her clichés.

I checked my side mirror again. _Finally, he's out of the car. Oh God, no! _Internally, I groaned when I saw who it was - Michael Newton. _Damn_. The anger left me as resignation set in. If there was ever a bane in one's existence, in mine, it would be Mike. He had asked me out when I first moved here and stupidly, I had told him 'a raincheck please' considering I was still settling down and didn't know any better. Since then, I have heard all the stories as well as personally noted his somewhat grabby hands and lecherous sneers. Ugh. And I bet now, he would be working up to asking me out again. _Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._ When I noticed the swagger he tried to put on while observing him in my side mirror, I snorted, but tried to put on my pleasant face by the time he reached my side. _Happy place, Alice, happy place._

"Well, if it ain't Miss Alice," drawled the nasal toned officer, leaning towards me.

Smiling sweetly, I gritted out, "Well, if it isn't Mike Newton."

"That's Officer Newton, sweetheart," he replied disapprovingly, his arms hitching up to lean against my door. "I'm on duty." _What the fuck ever, Mike. Who gives a flying fuck if you're on duty or not? Fucker._

"Well then, that's Miss Brandon to you, Officer _Newton_," I returned, sarcastic sweetness dripping from my tongue. "This is what, the fourth or fifth time you've pulled me over recently. What did I do this time, _Officer _Newton?" I can be totally officious and obnoxious when I want to be. (Hadn't you noticed?)

He shrugged. "Sure, Mike it is then. So, sweetheart, you were speeding again. Now, you know there are only so many times we can let you off your speeding fines..." (I could hear the 'but' in his little speech), "..._un_fortunately for you, I have a quota to fill this week... although... we could make some sort of deal?"

The hopefulness in his tone got my back up and my temper rose again. I glared at him and huffed, "For the love of God, Mike, I've told you before - I will not go out for a drink, dinner or blowjob." _Stupid, imbecilic moron... and get those ham fisted ugly mitts off my car._

He shifted his weight around as he leaned on my door. "Now, that's no way to treat a law enforcement officer, Alice Brandon. I was trying real hard to be friendly like." _Dear God, the man pouted._ Mike was really pathetic at the best of times and even at that moment; he made himself look more pathetic and more desperate. For he attempted to pout like a cute puppy. However, he only ended up looking like an overgrown pimply teen. Really, that baby-face was a hindrance to any action he could have gotten, in my opinion. I did feel a bit sorry for him and his poor singular status. Since the idiot had dogged my stiletto heels from the time I had arrived in this small town, I felt magnanimous enough to throw him a bone.

"I'm really sorry, Mike. I'm tired and I haven't been well so I'm just a touch cranky. I didn't mean to take it out on you."

A tentative smile touched his face and I felt a bit better about being a bitch earlier... but he had to ask, "So, about that drink?"

_Persistent bastard. _I leaned out my window towards him in such a manner so as to look conspiratorial, but _really_, it was just to give him the distraction of my cleavage. Duly, he ogled while I spoke. "Mike, honey," I purred in my most honeyed tones, "there comes a time when a girl just has to realize that some men are just out of her league. And I just _know _that you are out of my league. I have resigned myself to that now. You are just _too _special to keep to myself."

His chest puffed out with imagined pride and I could almost feel Rosalie's snort of disbelief from the seat next to me. I gripped his hand as if it was the most precious living thing on this earth when all I really wanted to do was take that disgusting sweaty paw off my precious car. The broad smile on his face showed I had cinched the deal. _Ugh, those teeth_.

I watched as he leaned down further and peered into the interior of the car. "Well, Miss Brandon, I think I can slap you with a warning and tell you to slow things down. Don't want to be too fast around these parts."

"Thanks, Mike, I appreciate it." I smiled warmly at him, willing for him to go so Rose and I could head off already.

"So... who might this be?" Obviously he was referring to Rosalie, otherwise he was talking about an invisible cat on my lap. _Oh God, he wants a conversation. I think I'm going to die..._

I answered tightly, "This is Rosalie. She's not your type." _More mine, bucko. Wait, do I have a type?_

Mike's eyes flashed angrily at me as he snapped, "Let me be the judge of that, Alice." _Oh, how quick he was to dismiss me, now he had another target in mind._ "I'm Mike, the eyes and ears of Forks. I'm also the savior of damsels in distress or distressing damsels. Perhaps I can be of service sometime." The rapacious leer he gave MY Rose made me grind my teeth. _Lecherous pig_. I glared at him, preparing for a furious retort, but it was Rosalie who stepped in.

She leaned across me and batted her eyelids as she purred, "Oh, believe you me, honey; you are so not _my _type."

"But you don't know me yet." He tried hard to flirt, but failed abysmally when he shot her a wink and a crooked smile.

Rose looked squarely at him. "But I don't have to. Nor do I have the inclination to," she objected before adding, "You have a third leg and I don't do dangly bits. I'm vegetarian and I don't eat meat." At his confused look, she clarified, "I don't do blowjobs."

His neck went bright red, unprepared for her matter-of-factness. "Well, that's okay, we can work around that."

"Well, sugar, unless you're prepared to let me be Lorena and cut off your Bobbitt bits, then thanks, but no thanks. I'm a boxed lunch kind of gal," she finished with a smug smirk. _  
_

_God, she was divine. _She drove me insane just by her nearness. Well, okay so that was cheese. But better than to mention her hand trailing along the inside of my thigh as she leaned back into her seat. Devilish woman._  
_

Back to Mike. His eyes rounded at her statement. Now, I understand how appealing it is to the male race, the idea of a lesbian woman with one you happen to know is heterosexual, but that was no reason for Mike's face to flush an ugly tomato red while his eyes glazed over with a very sleazy leer.

"Well, now..." he started, shifting his weight, leaning in further and smothering my offended nostrils with his cheap cologne. I _knew _where his thoughts were headed and I worked quickly to stop them from leaving his mouth.

"No, Mike," I stated firmly, "Neither of us are Britney 'wanting you to get down with 3P'. So take that threesome action going on in that head of yours and throw it away. It's not happening. Now, if you don't mind, we have somewhere to be and if you don't stop propositioning me, I will tell Charlie." I stared hard at him, willing him to take my bluff and run away.

Thankfully, although somewhat sullenly, he pushed himself away and stalked back to his car. Not without a few dark looks over his shoulder at us, I might add, but I could live with those. I peered in my rear vision mirror, waiting for him to get back in his car and drive away before taking a deep, well-earned breath. "Well, that was interesting, to say the least."

Rose agreed, "The very least. However, I was looking forward to seeing if he would let me cut off his Bobbitty bits."

"Oh, please stop referring to his penis like that. It's giving me the heebee-jeebees!"

"Bob-bitt-ty..."

Images of Cinderella's Fairy Godmother came to my mind... _bibbity, bobbity, boo, the penises come off in two_... I gritted my teeth before grounding out, "I'll go if you stop saying that."

"Annd I'm done."

I held my hands to the sky, "There is a God!" I turned the key and was about to drive off when _another _car passed us, beeped once and pulled over. "Oh, for the love of all that is holy, who the fuck is that now?" I banged my head against the steering wheel in frustration, not recognising the vehicle in front. _Dear Lucifer, do you not want me to get laid by this gorgeous creature and do wicked, wicked, debaucherous things?_

Four bodies heaved their way out of the tiny car - one little Miada - while I peered out through the steering wheel. _Satan, you have a hell of a sense of humor_. Great, just what I needed. A pack of dogs - all shirtless, tanned and tall. The tallest came over, a smirk plastered on his boyish face. "Hey, Alice, what's up with your car again?"

Confused, I stared up at him. "There isn't anything wrong with it, Jake."

He leaned down on my car, the others standing behind him. "Yeah, right. So you stopped along this deserted piece of highway for no reason?"

A light dawned in my brain._ Jacob thought we needed rescuing! Let me set him straight!_ "Oh! No, we got pulled over by the kindly policeman. Mike."

"Again?" he snorted, kicking the ground with one toe. Pebbles hit the side of my car. "What's that? The fifth time he's stopped you in how many weeks?"

"Hey, it's not me..."

"... it's your car, it has a mind of its own. Yeah, yeah, we've heard that one before." Jacob leaned in through the window and waved at my passenger. "So hey, Rosalie, how's it hanging?"

"It's not? Unless you're referring to the twins and they don't hang so much as they are something to be hung up on..."

Jake snorted at her joke. "Sweet. That's gold right there." He turned back to me. "You know, he might just be chasing your tail. He likes you, you know."

"You think? Way to go, Captain Obvious. Now, can we go?"

Jacob laughed. "Yeah, well _he _is a little obvious. Sure, if you gals are not distressed in any way other than the trauma of Officer Newton, then we'll let you get on your way. Where are you going anyway? Aren't you supposed to be resting and being all invalid-ish?"

I checked that I had kept the ignition on before replying, "Got a good girl pass so I'm free for a few days. Rosalie and I are heading out of town for a wee vacation." I didn't see the need to allude to what we were actually going to be doing. Resting was not part of _my _plans by any means.

He thumped the roof of my car with his hand in farewell. "Sweet. I'll go with my boys then. See you around. Oh, and Alice?" I looked up at him, my hand on the gear shift. He grinned wickedly. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

He knew! Quickly, I pulled away. I'm a woman on a mission, don't you know? Thinking about what Jake said though - does that leave me with anything to _not _do? I don't think so. Point taken. Advice will be heeded at the most opportune moment.

* * *

Sorry for the delay on the update. Thank you for being so patient! And I can't recall which were quotes and which were my brain, so please, if you see any quotes, please let me know and I'll ref them. (I'm sure there was one from Buffy at least...) Thanks. TJ


	16. 2 Boldly Go Where no Man has Gone Before

Hale No Hale Yes

Chapter 16: To Boldly Go Where no Man has Gone Before

Disclaimer: Twilight and its associated characters are not mine. I just twist and turn them for my own amusement. Thanks for the loan. Twilight not mine. This story is. Quotes as per bottom of page. Twilight and its associated characters are not mine. I just twist and turn them for my own amusement. Thanks for the loan. For longer disclaimer, see Chapter One.

AN: Thanks to my betas and pre-readers, kblacknightingale, venis-envy and vampireisthenewblack. Thanks specifically to Darkira and vampireisthenewblack for holding my hand through the sexing and making sure that it was realistic, hot and everything that I wanted it to be, and not a comedic farce of gigantic proportions. Oh for everyone's encouragement to not pike out and make it a fade to black. Now about that smut...

* * *

Finally, we arrived at the den of hellish sin that we were about to embark upon! Not for the lack of the Universe trying to stop us. Seriously. If God was a woman, I would say that she was being a bitch; - a twat-swatting bitch. All that malarkey for us to get somewhere that _literally _was 5 miles out of Forks.

Upon our arrival, we gazed upon the place we were to stay at. Nice. Modest. The place was very nice. It had a bed. And a table. And was big enough to fit, oh, only ten guests. Honestly, what the hell had she been thinking? We're going to have a gang bang? I don't think so! Again, what the hell was she thinking? I'd like to think she'd been busy thinking about ways to do me and how, but my bravado was fast eluding me. My keen sense of anticipation of being laughed at was coming to the forefront of my mind. Well, not quite, since the forefront was still Rosalie. Oh, and SEX. Sex with Rosalie. Sex with Rosalie and those boots. Sex in every single one of these rooms, and on that couch and, oh my God - do you see _that _table? Brain DED. Hello?

While Rosalie was fluffing about downstairs doing God only knows what, I went upstairs, conversing with my brain... my poor overwhelmed, highly excited brain...

_'This is Kermit the frog with another fast breaking news story. We're here - just out of Beaver waiting for Rosalie Hale to conquer Alice Brandon. So, Alice, what do you think will happen now?'_

_'Well, Kermit, I believe that we'll strip off, have mad, passionate sex, and well, do it again. All over this house. Yoooou can watch... if you so desire, you sexy green thing...'_

_'Err... yes, well this is ahem... Kermit the Frog, reporting from the sex den that will be Ms Brandon's playground for her cherry popping experience.'_

"Really, Alice?" I scoffed, thoroughly disgusted at myself. I paced a little in the confines of my room. Truly I suspected I may be officially insane: I mean, Sesame Street? I mean the Electric Company would have been a far better choice, in my opinion. Those leopard skin dresses were always so fuckhawt! And before you ask, no, I was not disturbed in the slightest at the idea of Kermit playing voyeur. I mean, he does a lot of it on Sesame Street, why not here?

Now why was_ I_ up here? On my lonesome? By myself? Alone? I'd like to say that I needed a little time to myself to ponder the ramifications of what I was about to embark on, but in truth, I was ordered up here. To quote a certain Nazi-like blonde woman, "Get your cute commando-going little butt upstairs and rest while I get our things sorted. No arguments. I want you well rested for what I have in mind."

Yes, my mind went on a rampage, wondering what it was _exactly _that she had in mind.

Needless to say, I hoofed it up here and well, here I am. So, here I am... I am here... I thought about being a little introspective, considering this was my first real foray over the "other side." It was a little like I was losing my virginity all over again. Now that, let me tell you, was an exercise into why one should not over-analyse their first experience too much. Talk about feeling a little strung out before, during, and after, the exercise.

"I wonder if Dutch courage would be a bad idea?" I wondered aloud as I walked over to the window, thinking longingly of the wine that I was not yet allowed due to my medication. Perhaps not. It might be misconstrued to the other party involved if I needed alcohol to do the deed and I certainly did not want her to get the wrong idea. I no need to be drunk to be doing said deed. No indeedy!

Talking of the other party... I looked out the window. _Whoa... Yeah, just a little bit further... _While the leaves from a nearby tree moved in and out of my vision, I leaned forward, watching Rosalie unpack the car. Although I was being pensive, contemplative and all that, my mood was changed considerably every time I appreciated the line of flesh visible every so often between her boot top and her skirt hem. Biting my lip, I moved even more as she bent over the trunk of the car, to get a better angle, and her skirt rode higher. _Thank you, God or Satan. I will ensure the five dollar bills are left on the mantle._ What? May as well make sure my trip to hell is in a bushel basket. More comfortable that way, I'm sure.

I ducked back as she paused and stared up at my window, breathing deeply. _Please don't see me!_ Chicken, much? Well, in short - yes. I'm not stupid. If I was caught not following orders, who knows what plans she might have to cancel. I mean, the ice might not come out to play, or perhaps it's food play she had in mind, or...

Hey, don't let my perving on my soon-to-be bed partner lead you to think I wasn't shaking inside. I was nervous, like so incredibly, hideously nervous I-think-I-might-throw-up kind of nervous; there was no denying that. I felt like everything was happening all at once and yet nothing was happening at all. I knew I had agreed to this; I mean hell, my vajayjay was calling for less of the twat-swatting and more of the actual sexy-schmexy, but when it came right down to it... I was a chicken: a great, big, huge, albeit tiny, speckled chicken. Moreover, my stomach was busy revolting against me; the roiling tumultuousness inside threatened more than once to let loose its meager contents.

I wondered in passing if people could pass out from being terrified beyond belief? I mean they say so in the movies - have you never seen any Alfred Hitchcock or Agatha Christie murder mysteries? All the victims die as if they have seen something so terrifying! Okay, maybe I'm overreacting - just a little. Or maybe... it was that and the overwhelming anticipation and excitement, like when a kid eats all the candy at Christmas before going to bed and waits for Santa and then throws up and makes the parents sleep with him or her until morning and then jumps on the bed when they see their presents.

Yeah...

I might throw up...

Or I might just carry on perving - to calm my nerves, to be sure...

Sure enough, when I was sure that she wouldn't be looking up at my window again, I leaned forward, only to be disappointed when she was no longer there. _Fuck, where'd she go?_

"Alice?" Rosalie called from downstairs.

_Christ on a cracker, she scared the fuck out of me! Fuck, I'm supposed to be in bed! _I stood up straight from my perving position, only to bang my head on the window frame.

"Yes," I called back, "I'm up here." I sprinted across to the side of the bed while rubbing the sore spot on my head. _Wowzers, that hurts!_

"Are you resting?"

_No, Mom, I'm trying to climb out the window..._ "YES!" _Damn, should I be in bed? Out of bed? On top of the bed?_

"Good. Then it wasn't you standing at the window when I had told you to lie down." The smug note in her voice made me wrinkle my nose in slight annoyance.

_Honestly, I'm not an invalid, really. Should I take off my shoes?_ I placed one knee up on the bed, preparing to kick them off.

"I know you're not," she answered as she walked through the open door to the room. "And yes, you should. Sanitary and all that."

_Crap, there's that verbal filter gone awry again._

"Yes, you really should learn to stop vocalising aloud."

_Dammit!_

A very slow grin appeared on her face as her eyes slowly ran down my person. My breath caught as she slowly licked her lips. I suddenly felt like she was looking at me like I was something to eat and damned if it didn't feel great. She walked towards me and my eyes ate up her body as she added this little jaunty swing to her hips that I was so sure was for me. Good grief. I'm about to die and at her hands. Thank you, God. This was _IT_. She and I, me and her - we were going to get _busy_!

All sounds decreased until all I could hear was my own breathing and every little sound she made: her footsteps, the brushing of her arms against her shirt, the small puffs of air I heard emanating from her direction. Everything visual seemed to fade to a tiny pinpointed view, the colors dissipating, the peripherals diminishing until all I could see was what was right in front of me, and it was all in a sort of sepia tone. Washed out... trippy, very trippy. It made me frown because I knew I didn't suit sepia tones well. I looked better in back and white.

"How you doin'?" she greeted me as she wrapped her arms around my waist, and I kid you not, my hooha was suddenly at attention at the husky note in her voice.

Then I realized what she said... and how she said it. I laughed. "You _seriously _did not just 'Joey' me!"

She tilted her head and stared at me, a look that disconcerted me somewhat. I was suddenly distracted by the tip of her tongue snaking out to run along her lips. My lips parted in response.

"Did it work?" she asked huskily.

_Huh_? I considered the wetness at the top of my thighs and had to concede that it did. The voice, the mannerism and most of all, that tongue - pink, moist and very desirable. I wanted that. Like yesterday. Oh yes, it was _all _working. Like a six, not quite a seven. I had a sudden Monica moment: seven, seven..._ seven!_

"Alice?"

"Hmmm, Rose?" My mouth answered automatically. I couldn't hide the giggle that left my mouth most readily.

"Are you okay?" The concern was obvious in her tone.

It just made me giggle again. I think I bumped my head and got concussion. I'm not crazy, I'm just a little insane. It reminded me of Northern Exposure and the 'Sometimes the mind, for reasons we don't necessarily understand, just decides to go to the store for a quart of milk.' My mind it seems, went for milk, then sugar, and then gods only knows what else, but it was certainly taking its time to come back.

Absently, I murmured, "Mmm-hmm...yes. Thanks."

Then I felt it... the movement of my hair off my nape; the tender way in which she nuzzled her nose in my neck before placing a soft kiss against my bare skin. I swear, all the muscles beneath her lips melted at that small touch and I found that my chest wasn't tight anymore (I didn't realize that it was, but stress can do strange things to people, you know). Funnily enough, this wasn't any different to a guy, although better, more... electric.

Sorry for the analysis. My brain apparently returned from the milk and sugar run and wasn't ready to shut off yet.

Then she dipped out her tongue, licked my skin and my breath was shallow in anticipation; shivering in excitement as Rosalie slowly trailed circles of hot wetness over my skin. Her lips stilled at the join between my shoulder and neck before her tongue delicately tasted the dip in my shoulder. Her hands danced across my back and I arched forward, my hips grinding into hers as tingles shot through my body, bringing electrifying awareness to my skin in its wake. My brain stopped saying anything coherent or rather anything that I'd be willing to share with any of you reading this story. Wait, if you insist... I'll share...

Somehow we moved towards the bed and as the back of my knees hit the bed, I fell backward, taking Rosalie with me.

"Oomph! What the hell...?"

"Did I hurt you?"

"No. Are you hurt?"

"No, but that was... I think I fell for you! Either that or the earth moved and I suspect that it might be a little early for that..."

Laughter broke through the mood, sending it from dizzying sexuality to a comfortable sensuality.

"Well, hi there," I murmured as I brushed hair from her face.

Her lips quirked up and a smile just for me graced her face. "Well, hi back," before leaning forward to brush her lips against mine. "So where were we before that ungraceful fall to heaven?"

"Are you always this corny?"

"It's a hard feat, but someone has to do it."

"It's just very amusing." My fingers walked up her arm teasingly.

"Glad I amuse your funny bone."

"I'd rather you amused some other part of me."

"Now, who's being corny?"

"Who cares...?"

Amidst a mad tangle of limbs, hair and laughter, we moved onto the bed properly, and lying side by side, resumed our re-acquaintance of one another. Tasting, nibbling... I swear there was something indescribably different about kissing and making out with a woman, or rather specifically making out with Rose. She was incredibly soft, and her lips; oh my, they were terribly addictive. Something about the feel of them on mine, her taste that was sweet yet tart... it just made me want more of her. (Like cherry pies. God, I love cherry pies. And now I will forever associate cherry pies with kissing Rosalie Hale.) Held in that moment of time, I nibbled, cajoled and earned my way into her sweet mouth; dipping, tasting, touching with my tongue while her fingers trailed lightly up my back. My eyes closed, reveling in the feel of her fingertips as they traced numerous circles up, down and all around before slowly... sinuously... sensually sliding their way down via my spine. Goosebumps rose upon my skin and my head lolled back, welcoming her searching lips.

I felt her arm rise, then her fingers in my hair encouraged me to move downward. Obligingly, I let my lips do the walking. Moving down her collar, from the top of her breast down to the valley between the twins. Luckily, Rosalie was very accommodating and with a small moan, moved her head back to give me easier access. _I like that in a woman_. While my mouth followed the now revealed skin, my other hand slowly found its way down her shoulder, over her breast before my questing fingers fluttered along the edge of her blouse. A small oooh of pleasure emboldened me to slip my hand inside and brush the back of my fingers against the naked curve of her breast. Mmm... I was expecting lacy lingerie, Miss Rose, but this distinct lack is quite exciting. I concentrated on Rosalie, my beautiful Hale. And what she was doing to my equilibrium. And what I was trying to do to hers.

She gave an impatient movement against my lips and sat up, forcing me to release her. Her hand lifted to wind in my hair as her lips grazed my jaw, before moving down my neck.

_Oh._

_My._

_God._

Her other hand had somehow found its way beneath my shirt and oh my fuck, was doing a million delicious things to me; from her fingers dancing across my skin, sending electric shocks directly to both my brain and my lady parts; to the pads of her fingertips teasing my nipples to erect points, making my eyes cross as I tried to control my breathing while my hips ground against her leg in undisguised lust; but it was the cupping and remoulding of my breasts into the palms of her hands while her lips traced the whorls of my ear that finally undid me.

"Oh _my _God. Oh my _God_!"

Nibbling upon my lobe, she paused as I repeated the phrase over and over again. Then she teased, "I prefer to be known as Rose, but God works too."

I grinned, a little shy, but elated too. The pause was enough for me to recoup some of my fallen brain cells. I couldn't help but tease her with one of my favorite Lorelai Gilmore quotes, "You're God huh? That's so cool. I'm gonna totally ask for favors."

She chuckled at my teasing as my hands skimmed along her back, down to the swell of her ass and chickening out, I ran them slowly up along her sides, stopping as I reached the underside of her breasts. Tracing the under curve with my thumbs, I glanced up at her and paused as I observed her. I loved the look upon her face; that change that defined a woman in full arousal: lips fuller from being kissed, parted as she breathed shallowly in anticipation, eyelids hooded with lust. Lovely. Beautiful. Provocative.

Well, now I know, God is a woman for here was sheer perfection made in _Her _image. And _she _is all _mine_. Seriously, I think my brain just giggled. Remind me later to berate it thoroughly. After I have made sure that every part of Rosalie was made in the actual image of God Herself. I mean, it's about quality control and all that, right? Better take it slowly and make sure She made 'woman' right.

She drew me close and kissed me - deeply. With tongue. All hot, moist, sweet and delicious. I wonder if she would taste like that all over. _I hope everything goes well. Oh God, I hope I do it right._

Pulling back a fraction, softly Rose intoned, "Alice, you have to be sure. This is not something casual to me. This means something more. I'm not an experiment for you to see whether you like being into girls. I'm in this for life. I'm a lesbian, Alice. Not on occasion, and I'm not bi. This is me. And if you want to be with me, you have to be sure." Her voice shook as she spoke. "I can't... I cannot be... I'm not ready for my heart to be broken by someone who isn't sure if she is really into me or into testing the waters of the 'other side'. Please be sure, Alice. Please be very sure."

It unnerved me, that intent stare as she waited out the silence for my reply. Her words flooded through my consciousness and I questioned myself again, like I had for the past four days, if not longer. Gently I assured her of what was in my heart of hearts. "I'm sure, Rose. This is not an experiment. This is... I don't know what this is, but I want to find out. I have wanted to find out since I first laid eyes on you. You know that. It scared me; not so much the whole girl-on-girl thing, but the way you made me feel. You made me come alive in a way I haven't been for a very, very long time. I feel like I have waited for _you_."

I could hear the sound of my heartbeat pounding in my head as quietness fell between us. _Fuck, did I say it wrong_?

Her eyes crinkled at the corners as her mouth lifted into a sweet, radiant smile. "You, my dear, are so full of cheese. When this relationship progresses to where I hope it does, I will be getting rid of all of those trashy novels that you seem to read."

Oh God, I think I stopped breathing. She had already thought of a future with me? _Oh. My. Fuck. Yes._ Breathe, Alice, breathe. What had she said? Oh yes...

"My bodice rippers? I won't need to read them if I have you. Books are an escape from life, from reality; you wanting the heroine or hero in the book. Why would I need books when I have you?" I leaned in to kiss her fully on the mouth, grazing her lips lightly with mine and my heart may have leaped a little when I heard her small intake of breath.

Her eyes narrowed a little, her face changing as the mood moved; the atmosphere charged with a definite type of tension._ Oh yes. _She laughed - a low, wicked chuckle that reverberated through me and sent a thrill tauntingly to my nipples. Her arms tightened around me, pulling me closer as her lips brushed against mine. She murmured, "Okay, maybe I won't rid you of all of them if they make you come out with lines like that. You know how to make a girl feel good."

Snaking my tongue out, I ran the tip across her lower lip and felt her shiver in my arms. I brushed my palm along her arm while I nibbled along her lip and breathed in her scent. Interesting. I could discern a change in her scent and it took a moment for me to work it out, but then I realized - Rosalie was aroused. The thought made me incredibly turned on and heat worked its way down my body, coalescing in the pit of my stomach... and lower. My fingers threaded their way through her hair, feeling the light, delicate strands float through my fingertips.

Then it was all hot breath brushing against my cheek as her mouth claimed mine, tongue dancing along mine, and hands busily divesting our bodies of cumbersome clothing before we settled upon the comforter, bare flesh sliding against naked skin. I could hear our breathing, see the light dancing upon her skin and my mouth followed its trail, my tongue dipping into crevasses and shadows, and I listened to her sighs, moans and little catches of breath. I felt the elation well up within me as each touch, every smoothing of skin, and every light stroke created a response in both her and me. I could feel the roughness of the covers as she pushed me onto my back and could compare them to the smoothness of her bare skin sliding against mine.

Then it was all panic-stricken me as she gravitated toward Dixieland, but I was gently smoothed back to anticipation by Rose, with her gentle words and comforting ministrations before her mouth moved southward... then it was all feeling, of the slight roughness of her tongue against me, teasing its way through my lips, gently dipping inside before insistently parting my lips to find my clit. The sucking, licking and tapping of her tongue and lips against me finally pushed me over the edge and I arched my back as I screamed out her name...

ROSE.

_Yeah, that was a seven... (and I don't mean on the Richter scale)... Seven... ugh. So fucking DED. Epic._

vTJv

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_Author note:_ There you have it! Okay, so how was that for a long awaited get-together? Did that hit all that right places? ;) Cheers TJ

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_Quotes:_

'Sometimes the mind, for reasons we don't necessarily understand, just decides to go to the store for a quart of milk.' ~ Northern Exposure

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little insane ~ Rob Thomas, lyrics to Unwell, Matchbox20

That's so cool. I'm gonna totally ask for favors. ~ Lorelai Gilmore, Gilmore Girls

vtjv

_Ref:_

Kermit the Frog - from Sesame Street. Reports on unusual goings on and has an interesting take on many newsworthy items

The Electric Company - a kids show from The Children's Television Workshop that ran in the 70s. There was a jungle scene where they always used to wear leopard skins that had a gorilla in it. It also had Spiderman and his spidey senses plus... "Faster than a rolling "O"! Stronger than silent "E"! Able to leap capital "T" in a single bound! It's a word, it's a plane, it's Letterman!"

Friends: A Joey's "How you doin'?" Designed to bring a girl to her knees...

Friends: Seven...seven...seven - comes from the scene where Monica and Rachel are explaining to Chandler about the erogenous zones in the body. http : / www. youtube. com/ watch?v=Bsl19-J_H4s

Monica: "you could, uh, start out with a little one, a two, a one, a two, three... a three... a five... a four... a three, two, two... a two, four, six... two, four, six, four, two... two, four, seven... five, seven; six, seven; seven, seven, seven, seven, seven, seven, seven, seven..." then holds up 7 fingers silently mouthing "seven!"

Lorelai Gilmore reference is from this scene in Gilmore Girls:

Emily: You were on the phone?

Richard: Long distance.

Lorelai: God?

Richard: London.

Lorelai: God lives in London?

Richard: My mother lives in London.

Lorelai: Your mother is God?

Richard: Lorelai...

Lorelai: So, God *is* a woman.

Richard: Lorelai.

Lorelai: *And* a relative. That's so cool. I'm gonna totally ask for favors.

Richard: Make her stop.

Rory: Oh, that I could.


End file.
